Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

I'd assumed this was two women?

I think you're quite right to feel unhappy about this.It doesn't sound as if you've kept her as a dirty little secret.Think that comment was a bit unfair.
You sound very measured in your approach, when you speak about this.
Basicaly she is telling you her career is more important than consulting you about your joint life palns.
You need to decide if you can except that.

She's not invested in your relationship. It's perfectly possibly to have an LDR for a year or two and many couples do make it work if they try really hard. But the fact that she didn't even discuss it with you tells us everything we need to know.

I’m assuming you’re both women, OP? A lot of people not being very understanding of the implications there. In my experience it’s still far from abnormal to not meet family for a long time while still being in a serious relationship.

I would be upset if I were you, OP. It’s probably better to know now than later that she prioritises her career. Her comments about you not having clear enough life plans - does she mean career-wise? What were her expectations for your relationship for the year that she’d be abroad? I’m assuming it’s not a gay-friendly country?

I’m sorry your relationship with your family has sufferered. It’s not easy

Not being married doesn't make a person single. What a weird way to look at relationships.

Thank you, everyone. To clear things up — I'm a man, she's a woman. Neither of us is Muslim. We come from two very different cultural backgrounds (different countries, different continents). That's why telling my family was delayed and why it caused such a rift. It wasn't shame. It was knowing what would happen — and it did.

Some of you are right that keeping her from my family probably hurt her more than I realised at the time. That's fair, and I need to sit with that.

But I also need to be honest — this isn't the first time she's done this. We agreed early on not to go abroad alone, that we'd go together. She broke that once before with a different posting. We worked through it. Now it's happened again. Same pattern. That's what's breaking me. Not just this one decision — the fact that our agreements don't hold when an opportunity shows up.

The one that hit me hardest here was "she'd rather live in a war zone than with you." I don't want that to be true. But I can't argue with it right now.

I have the weekend to think. Thank you for being honest with me, even when it hurt.

Come on, don't pretend you're not using ChatGPT to write your responses. Can you just write your own words?

I'm not using ChatGPT. English is my third language, so yes i rewrite things before posting because i dont want to be misunderstood. I'm sitting at work right now trying to hold it together. This is real.

To answer some questions: no, she wasn't formally offered a contract. Her bosses asked in a meeting if she'd be interested, and she said yes immediately. She could have said let me think about it. she didnt.

And yes, this is the second time. We had an agreement to go abroad together. She broke it once before with a different country. I forgave her. now same thing again. That's the part i cant get past. not one bad decision (a pattern).

Someone said she'd rather live in a war zone than with me. I keep reading that over and over. i dont know what to do with it.

What makes you think the posts are AI written? I don’t get it…

In your position I too would be gutted, OP, especially because this is the second time in a 2 year relationship that she's done it.

She's choosing to go to an active war zone?!
She sounds crazy - that is not a move many people would make right now.

And she accepted a year's posting abroad without consulting her partner of 2 years? That is really unacceptable.

I know you said you'd take the weekend to think about it, but really what is there to think about? She has shown that she doesn't take your feelings or your relationship into account when making life decisions.Twice.
She is not the one.

If the sexes were reversed, most of MN would be screaming LTB...

I assumed same sex couple too but see I was wrong.
I’m sorry OP, I think you have found out the hard way you see this relationship differently,

I hate this “not married then you’re single” nonsense. I’ve been with DP 13 years. We own a property together. Do you think I’m single too?

OP I would be very hurt by this too. As well as thinking she’s bonkers for going to a war zone

I think this nails it.
You saw yourself as living together in a committed relationship with shared plans for the future. She clearly felt quite differently, maybe that was the not telling family thing or maybe she's just not as committed or in love. Who knows.

But I agree, if my DP suddenly announced that he was off to another country with zero discussion. I'd be shocked and upset and we don't even live together! I'd at least have expected a quick phone call to say "I've been offered a once in the lifetime opportunity. I really want to take it, what do you think."

OP I'd be upset too - in fact, many years ago I was in a similar position when my boyfriend of 2.5 years announced he was moving to the US and I didn't feature in the move. It absolutely floored me. There will always be some on MN who leap on posts from men in a way they wouldn't do if a woman had posted - if this was reversed there would be a great deal more sympathy.

She should have discussed it with you, but I think sadly she has shown you she views your relationship as a temporary one with her actions.

From her POV, she might see it as her following the best career path and doing a role that won't always exsist or have the opportunity to do again. When you say you decided to not go abroad without each other, was that for work or short breaks? Does she also ask you to not follow the best career trajectory? How old are you both and was there marriage on the cards? I'd tel my DDs to think very carefully before giving up opportunities without very good reasons. When you got into a relationship did you realise what her job could entail? Do the women in your culture usually give up their dreams for their relationship?

I’d be upset in your shoes but I’d also struggle to commit to the relationship from her side given the influence of your culture on the relationship, so I get her side too.

I expect that the extended period of her feeling like your guilty secret has caused her to think that you don’t see yourselves as a unit so why should she?

Whilst appreciating the “cultural barriers” you speak of, I don’t buy that as a reason to keep her secret for 2 years. I came out as gay in my 30s. I had kids and my parents, to whom I’m very close, had always been quite homophobic. I told them all about my girlfriend within 6 weeks. My parents said terrible things and we then didn’t speak at all for a long time. It was an awful time. But I had to do it. I couldn’t keep the love of my life a secret, however much my parents weren’t going to like it.

It sounds to me like she’s nowhere near ready to make her life about anything other than her own dreams. You’ve been Mr Right Now, but she isn’t looking to settle or compromise. She’s following her dreams not joint dreams. If you’re both young that’s not hugely unusual.

I’m not sure the keeping her a secret is that relevant. I agree with other posters that it’s generally going to make someone feel like you’re not as committed as you might feel you are, but it doesn’t sound like she’s doing this because she’s looking for something different as you she doesn’t think you’re committed. It sounds like she’s doing this because this is her priority - not the relationship she has with you.

The one that hit me hardest here was "she'd rather live in a war zone than with you." I don't want that to be true. But I can't argue with it right now.

This is painting it a bit blacker than it is. She wants opportunity (and adventure?). She will take risks, but she isn’t choosing the war zone, she’s choosing the opportunity. It sounded like she’d rather you were around but isn’t prepared to sacrifice this for you.

I don’t think she’s in the right place for you. She doesn’t have the same goals and she isn’t prepared to sacrifice for you. She may or may not be amazing in other ways. But she’s been future faking with you and you’ve been buying it, despite her actions not following her words. I think you’ll be happier with someone who is looking for the same things you are in a relationship.

You took 2 years to tell your family and you think she is the issue?

Sorry @YourShyPlayer but you have clearly shown her you are not committed to her and she has mirrored that by accepting the postings. Honestly. You need to accept that you are party at fault.

Given you live together then she should have had a chat with you about it. But given the veiled misogyny in your posts I dont blame her at all for not doing so

A very sensible and measured post by @RawBloomers - I agree with everything they've says.

We agreed early on not to go abroad alone, that we'd go together.

What?!?! But why?!? Did that idea come from you, and if so why? That is so controlling imo. No chance a partner or anyone would tell me where I'm allowed to go in the world on my own or not. Check yourself! And if she went anyway, it sounds like you didn't actually agree, but like you told her not to do it, and she wanted to.

My answer would be best of luck in your future endeavours. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would not put myself in a conflict zone and I certainly wouldn’t put my partner in one. I really don’t think this is going to work out and deep down you know that.

I think she has panicked at your families reaction and now she is running.