Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

So did I but I’ve just seen the update.

I think he means living abroad, not just for holiday?

I use it a lot, there are a lot of tells in the writing style.

I've been with my DP for 5 years, living together for 4 of those. Am I single, too? 😂

YANBU for being very upset. This is the sort of decision that should be made together. I think that she's not the one for you.

Having said that, your family need to stop with the drama. The prospect of being the "black sheep" daughter in law is very unattractive.

You forgave her? For what, daring to go abroad without your permission?
You have kept her a secret from your family for 2 years, got angry with her for daring to go abroad without you and now are angry again because she’s taking up an offer of working abroad for another year. You’re not coming across very well here. Seeing as you’re from 2 different continents, the chances of you having a lifelong relationship are slim.
She doesn't need your permission to take up this job offer.

Yes because you’re not married. That’s what single means.

No it's not

Why should it be made together? He clearly doesn’t want her to go - what if this is the job of her dreams? Should she acquiesce to his wishes and forget her own?

Of course it doesn’t. I was with my now husband for 13 years before we married with two children. Was I single all that time?

Look up antonyms for the word ‘married’. You’ll find ‘single’ in there.

Legally, yes.

I completely agree with you op. She should have at least had the decency to discuss it even if she knew she would take it anyway . It isn't much of partnership otherwise. How hurtful for you and a big red flag to reconsider if this is the right relationship.for you both imo.

No, you weren't. I'm baffled why people keep saying if you're not married then you're single. What a strange, black and white way to look at it. I mean in a legal sense maybe (but even then I believe the preferred term would be 'co-habiting'?) but of course you're not single if you're in a long term relationship.

I think there are some really harsh responses here that are a bit misandrist. I feel really sorry for you - this must be painful.
I have two friends who actively hid the love of their lives from family for years (5 years for one!) because they knew their families would be unbearable - they were expected to marry within their culture and the pressure was so so intense. Both eventually ended up marrying the person. The fallout was absolutely awful (lasted decades) for one and was not so terrible for the other (family had come round by the wedding). I don't think people can understand who haven't been through it.
If she understood your reasons for shielding the relationship from your family, that's not a reason for her to think less of your connection. I don't agree at all with the PPs who say that.
But it is obvious you're not aligned. I think if I'd desperately wanted adventure and my husband had asked me not to I would have found a compromise. Because I knew he was my person and there was no single adventure that mattered to me more than him. She obviously doesn't feel that way.
It's okay for her to go - it's her life and she should take the opportunities that matter to her. But she hasn't been very kind to you. To be fair she may have not understand at the time that she was chosing a job over you - maybe she thought you'd change your mind?
I think the relationship is over though, sorry.

It’s hard- I understand you feel hurt. However, women carry a lot of baggage with their careers. They have obstacles that they can’t avoid, and need to get ahead early if they are to have any hope of staying on track. They go through periods of vulnerability in their lives that make it important they have financial/employment security.

She can’t afford to miss opportunities as well.

Perhaps she thought no point in "discussing" as the answer would be no?

It has only been two years which I think is when a lot of people decide to commit or split.

The secrecy from your family plus their reaction must have been hard on her.

Perhaps she thought that this would eventually split you up?

She probably didn't quite appreciate what a big deal and commitment this was for you.
I think you are both in the wrong a bit - you hadn't committed to marrying and she wanted to take this opportunity and should have discussed it with you.

This is something she wants to do with her life. It’s obviously important to her, it’s obviously who she is right now if it’s not the first time. My perspective is that you are wrong to want to change her, and you are wrong to not let her be who she is. Working in international locations especially challenging ones is an incredible personal growth opportunity. Real love is wanting your partner to be fully themselves and evolve into their highest expression of that person. If instead your inclination is to hold her back, keep her close for your benefit, I suggest you don’t actually love her. You love how she makes you feel, which is an entirely different thing. So you can let her be free and stay together knowing you will work around it. Or you can let her be free and know it’s not what you want right now. But not letting her be free is not on the table, thankfully.

If you intend to stay in a relationship, you talk to your partner before making big decisions.

There's stuff going on on both sides here.

You not telling your family about your relationship is HUGE.

Yes she should have talked to you about her posting first but it could be that this is a great career opportunity for her and she needed to appear very keen or it could have been offered to someone else. I have had friends in certain sectors who have done exactly this. A relatively short posting abroad has really accelerated their career.

Is she very career focussed?

That's all about you. This decision is about her. If you want it to be about us you should have at least included marriage plans in your living together moving abroad together future.

Sounds to me from this,'We agreed early on not to go abroad alone, that we'd go together' that one of you has a career that necessitates involving travel. Is she a diplomat or going with your countries version of the FC(D)O or DBT or another department? If so, she'll be fine. Even if she's with a big company, such as BP, loads of them have significant protection and extraction plans over there.

DH has been in Iraq and Syria. He came back fine. Happy as Larry. He's spent most of the last 20+ years overseas (minus 4 years whilst we had our DDs) because saying no would have harmed his career and he's (obviously) a man so he had it a lot easier. Almost all our friends have been, or still are, in similar situations. If you have a job (which clearly your partner does) that involves travel like this, then you cannot hold the other one back - it won't work long time because resentment festers.

Honestly though, I think if you keep someone a secret for two years you have absolutely no right to act the hard-done by party.

Honestly, as hard as it feels right now, I think you need to accept that she doesn't view this relationship the same as you do. I accept what some posters have said that this may have come from you hiding her for two years (which certainly isn't great and I know I'd also be upset in that position). But regardless of whether that is at the root of all of this, the facts are there. I'm a big believer in listen to people's actions not their words, and right now her actions are showing that she doesn't prioritise your relationship.

And whilst I dont agree with other posters that she's single (they have literally been in a relationship for 2 years), the fact is you're not married, you don't have children and she's entitled to do this if she wants to. I would also be upset that she's gone ahead and accepted without a conversation with you, but again I think you need to look at those actions and what they mean. I dont think this is the person or relationship for you.