Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

And when yo both took your opportunities did you talk about it with each other before deciding?

Honestly, in my 20s, offered a year abroad with work......... I would take it.
If my manager offered it to me, I would be immediately keen and accept, then talk to my BF.

That's how I would play it.

I see. I’ve never used ChatGPT (or any AI, for that matter) so I wouldn’t know.

My personal experience with this sort of thing has been among Indian friends. More than one had genuinely close, loving and committed relationships destroyed by their families on grounds of caste. Destroyed by cutting off funds so they couldn't continue university, thus losing their visa; by abducting them and shipping them off to family in America, Africa, India or Australia; and by the families conspiring to sever all relations with the couple entirely. That's without considering the threat of 'honour killings', which didn't arise with my friends but are very real.

Caste is a form of racism, you might say, but different from what PPs are assuming here. Religious affiliations can be just as harsh. A Jewish secretary of mine was told to choose between her atheist boyfriend (both English) and her family. We all know about the issues with Muslim families and unapproved marriage, but it's naïve to imagine these things are easily overcome.

Yes, there has to be a better word; "racism" is easily misconstrued.

I don't mean to say that it's easily overcome. I mean to say that people just seem to make excuses for it because it's "cultural". Well, white supremacy is also "cultural", and examples like this are almost exactly the same thing. None of it is remotely acceptable.

You write beautifully.....even if English was your first language.... So the fact it isn't, then, wow

is she thinking that this is never going to happen and saying yes meant she had shown her company that she would have gone but the company are never going to send her.

OP doesn't know what she's thinking, does he - because she hasn't discussed it with him!

I think it’s the ‘therapy speak’ that suggests AI not the punctuation! ‘Sit with that’ etc

She’s mid 20s, and keen to progress her career. If she’d have said no it could have stalled that progress and denied her future opportunities, so I can see why she’d had wanted to show willingness when asked. I would say the same if the sexes were reversed.

Presumably you knew what job she did, and that this was likely? I don’t actually think it means she doesn’t love you or that she’s not committed to a future with you either, as many couples can and do navigate their relationships through overseas postings.

I do think you’re probably incompatible though.

UAE is hardly a major war zone. It will
pass. Let her go and move on with your
life or move with her if it’s possible
to transfer your job. Stop thinking how bad it is for you.

youve been so misleading - her boss asked if she’d be interested, of course she said yes. She’s a career minded 20 something year old, she is interested. Then she talked about it with you and got this nuclear explosion, poor woman. And if it’s the uae then no you can’t go because despite you thinking you’ve made the biggest sacrifice a man can make for a woman by telling your family about her, she doesn’t have to buy into that for a second- you’re not married to her and you don’t qualify for a spouse visa.

I also don’t think you have any understanding of what it’s like for a woman in a professional environment- she is young ambitious and unmarried, the last thing she wants to or should do at this stage is look like she only makes career decisions to suit her husband. I moved my husband internationally with my work at your age, but he’d had the sense to propose so the spouse visa was just admin. Now I have kids I’d say to the offer I’m interested but it may not be possible with the kids, let me think for a few days. When I just had the husband I wouldn’t have made that caveat in my response. And when he was just a boyfriend I’d have decided on my own without needing to discuss it with him except to tell him my plans.

Update for those who were kind enough to respond.

We finally spoke Monday night. First contact in 4 days. She called close to midnight. We talked for 2 hours.

I said what I needed to say. The pattern. The not consulting. The fact that I have never been against her going abroad, only against her going alone, and that she has never once said "come with me" or "how do we do this together."

She listened. Then she said things I wasn't expecting.

She said she doesn't believe my plans will ever have real dates. She said telling my family felt like I crossed a finish line and stopped moving. She said she has been waiting for concrete steps from me and they haven't come. She said she is terrified of getting older and never having worked abroad, and that the window closes once kids happen. She cried about this. It was real.

She also admitted that saying yes on the spot is a habit. Her first boss taught her to always say yes and figure it out later. She said she assumed I would say no so she didn't ask. She took away my chance to be on her side.

I told her that saying yes to her boss and talking to me first are not opposites. She could have done both. She agreed.

She also said the posting probably won't happen anyway because of the current situation. But she was clear that if something else comes up, anywhere, she will want to say yes. That is who she is.

She promised to talk to me first next time. Not ask permission. Just include me before deciding.

We didn't break up. We didn't fix it either. We are somewhere in between.

For those who said I was controlling or clipping her wings - I hear you and I have been thinking about that honestly.

For those who said the secrecy from my family damaged things - you were right. Several of you called that on day one and I pushed back. I was wrong. The damage was deeper than I knew.

For those who said she should have discussed it - she agrees. She knows she was wrong not to.

I still don't know what happens next. But thank you for the honesty. Even the hard stuff. Especially the hard stuff.

No real person writes like that. The last post is written like bad fiction.

Chatty G

No offence to the posters who have said they don’t know any men that write/ think like this - but I suspect you’re dealing with an older generation/ quite simple blokes.

For better/worse younger men these days, especially anyone who’s had any therapy do think/ communicate like this!!! I promise!! And you know chat gpt can only go so far right, it can’t just invent feelings?

ChatGPT can absolutely invent feelings.

OP has posted an update thread, also chatpgt written. I don't understand what he thinks he's doing.

Ok that’s definitely chatGPT style

its not about the feelings, its about writing style. I see a lot of chatGPT posts and I use it a lot myself so I can totally recognise it, it has specific formula of “storytelling” and formulating sentences

She sounds career-focussed while looking ahead to a time in the future where she may not be as able to relocaye for her career if she is married/has children.
She wasn't planning to break up and thought your relationship could continue long distance.
You have been together for 2 years and live together and yet only recently told family about the relationship. It's a half-in half-out situation. Which is fine as you are mid 20s. But from her perspective may not be worth damaging her career prospects over if you're not making concrete steps together.
Imagine she turned this opportunity down and then as a result of family pressure the relationship breaks down. She may regret not having gone.
What would you have said if she had talked to you before accepting? Would you have persuaded her against it because you couldn't accompany her?

But even here you’ve had to put in quite a specific prompt for a “woke man” (lol) who’s had those quite specific realisations (I was too controlling/ should have told family sooner). That’s what I mean about it’s not invented the feelings. He’s had to come to those conclusions himself. And so I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss the post entirely.

I see your point that it may have done the writing of those feelings. I think a lot of people communicate in this therapised way - but maybe it is just chat gpt embellishing.