Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

I think it’s very dodgy they’re sending her to an active war zone, decent companies are NOT doing that. How is she covered insurance wise by the company ?

that just doesn’t make sense

I think people here don't really understand the cultural differences, OP.. They assume because you didn't tell your family then it's somehow a matter of shame on your part that you didn't. And that plays a part in what you do. FWIW, I understand why you took so long to tell your family, in some cultures it's not done to marry outside and your family were upset when they saw the likelihood of that happening.
Regarding what is happening now. Perhaps it's time to end things. I would not be happy if the person I had given 2 years of my life to, decided to take a job in another country without a proper discussion. It would make me think I was unimportant. I would expect a discussion of future plans before they told employers of their decision. But then, I think 2 years in a relationship is a long time, not the same as many here who seem to think otherwise.

I agree with this! I’m sorry OP.
dust yourself down and move on. Maybe look for your own overseas posting. Go on your own adventure. The added plus is being away from family who will redouble their efforts now.
youll be ok OP.
Good for you for speaking 3 languages by the way.

It took you 2 years to tell your family about her. Why should she stop her life and opportunities for you?

I am a lot older than you I think, and I have only read to the second page, but one of the things I very much value is my autonomy. I also read this as controlling in a context where professional roles are contracting. You have a situation where it’s a big deal for you to tell your family about her, they react badly and you also want her to limit her professional choices. I am sorry but someone who thinks that going abroad myself is an offence they need to ‘forgive’ would be out the door for me. Yes, in an ideal world I would consult my partner but in the circumstances you describe where there are already tensions and I am on the spot with bosses asking me in person and it would be helpful no doubt to give an indication before the opportunity went to someone else, then I am probably not in that ideal world.

I am risk averse so I would not go into a dangerous location but my employer has risk assessment policies and would not send me, so I am not entirely convinced of this story. (Unless the job is in the military but I don’t think you get to say no there).

As for the point another poster made about it being different if roles were reversed, I think in the vast majority of situations, it’s culturally more accepted for men to pursue the best choices for their career.

To clarify, the agreement was about living abroad long-term, not holidays. We travel together all the time. And no, she's never asked me to hold back my career. The agreement was mutual: we both said we'd relocate together when the time came. She's broken that twice now.

Oh just end it already, you will both be happier.

They live together? This isn’t some random FWB relationship. Expecting someone to just brush it off is a pretty bizarre tbh.

She shouldn’t have made such a big that decision without you, especially since the place she’s going to isn’t very safe. It’s not that she casually said yes to a couple of years in Paris.

You are right and sorry but she is not that into you ......

What’s the housing setup? Do you currently live in her home? Your home? A joint mortgage? A joint tenancy? Is she leaving you high and dry, to cover 100% of the rent whilst she is away?

Never restrict your career for your partner

I agree. Not sure if it’s true but I read a British person had been arrested for talking about missiles in Dubai on their social media. So all the influencers will be posting rubbish now. Not somewhere I’d choose to go!

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

A couple of things to think about. Saying during the initial excitement of a relationship (and when you haven’t had a career making offer) that you won’t go abroad unless you can both go is fairly easy. When the opportunity arrives it’s harder to voluntarily limit your career and future that way.

The sentence I quoted reads to me as though she was asking you to go with her. Are you sure she wasn’t?

I was about your stage in my relationship and he was applying for next stage jobs without asking me about any of it. I had to point out to him that I wouldn’t be just following him around indefinitely. I also needed to apply, and had no reason to focus on places he was going to be. He simply hadn’t thought it through in the heat of going for the best jobs he could.

OP, I think her twice breaking your agreement not to take a posting abroad without consulting each other is the main problem. She doesn’t consider her promises to be binding.

That says a lot about her level of commitment to you. Whether or not that’s because of your long delay in telling your family isn’t the point. I don’t think you have a future together. I’m sorry.

But the context of the thread isn’t legal. You’re going off at a tangent to justify an odd comment.

I wouldn’t call someone in a relationship with someone else for two years ‘single’.

Not read the whole thread but I'm not sure it's about preferring to be in a war zone than be with you. I'm presuming it's to the UAE - Dubai? and the temptation is to make big bucks and have what is often advertised as a glamorous expat lifestyle (though the whole place 'stinks'). Often expat life in such places is like being in a goldfish bowl and a year is a long time if there are already some issues, as others have said the not telling family is a big one. Time to perhaps look for whatever posting you would like and begin a new life.

How old are you both?

I don’t blame her at all. If doesn’t sound like you were showing her you wanted a future, marriage kids etc when you kept her secret for 2 years. She needs to do what’s best for her.

That element does kind of need to be left out of your feelings, because it has nothing to do with her. She is potentially cukturally not approriate to your family butjust because she exists and you love her she hasnt done anything at all to be part of that mess, I may be wrong but it sounds like your family are the ones who would object to her, so yes it took courage for you to tell them but that's because of their prejudice, so it's a situation between you and them. Your girlfriend hasn't anything to do with it just by existing and being your gf technically.

However, yes she should have told you, you live together for one thing so I assume share rent, so you'd have to cover than alone? Or did she expect you to go out with her no questions asked? She should have talked to you first, definitely.

Then you are precious.

They are dating, only two years, it is still early days. A year isn't long in a lifetime.

The writing is on the wall for the relationship. Of course she should have discussed it with you even to make it clear she would take it.

How long was that first time she went abroad? Was it for work? Can she go abroad without you any time for a holiday or is it longer sojourns that you have to be together?

A year is not that bad, if one of you travels to the other every 6 weeks, have a couple of holidays in the middle it can work. But I’m not sure she is that bothered about the relationship and you are.