Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

It's 2026. The opposite of married might be single but the opposite of single is not married.

Both mid-20s.

I wouldn’t waste too much time sitting with the war zone argument. In my view it misses the point. As does the “you’re not married” element - some people live their whole lives without getting married. After two years, you should be on the same page about where this is going. Lots of people in their early 20s live together to “see how it goes” but more usually later in life if you’ve created a household you should know the plan.

By creating a family rift you have made a big commitment to her - you choose her over your family. She’s responded by choosing her job over you. The fact is, you’re not in the same place at the moment. Living in a dangerous place should be a joint decision. Going long distance for a year should also be a joint decision. This woman is not ready for marriage with you, or even at all, or a relationship like it. I think in your shoes I would end it. If she pulls out of the job it would only be a sticking plaster.

Oh, and I don’t think you write like Chat GPT at all. You just have lovely punctuation 😉

How old are you both? Has she expressed a desire to get married/have children soon? Could this be an effort to get you to propose? I just looked up the top 5 no- go countries and I can't believe she could be serious about taking the offer.

Ah, just seen your ages. She’s just not ready to slow down for a relationship yet. Right person, wrong time.

Or maybe they saw the red flags and sensibly removed themselves.

Misogynistic comment 🙄

Another here who thinks it’s natural for you to feel hurt, just as she may have been hurt by your family’s antagonistic reaction to you living with her. (On the Chat GPT front - it doesn’t sound to me like you’re using it but i don’t think it would matter if you were if it’s helping you to express yourself).

You don’t need to tell us your partner’s job but i’m somewhat intrigued that her job seems to involve so many foreign postings and that the postings seem to be in or near war zones. Is she an aid worker or a reporter or does she work for an overseas charity or something?

In any case, it sounds like overseas postings are integral to her role - or at least that being able to take overseas postings is a key part of her career progress (the very fact that you discussed not taking them until 2028 is interesting - it’s not something i had to discuss with my partner as we were getting together).

If that is the case, then i think it’s unreasonable to expect her simply not to take these opportunities when they’re offered. It’s asking for too much. My elder DD is living abroad for a year; her boyfriend remains based here and they’re doing long distance. Especially when you’re only mid-20s. She needs to be able to take these opportunities now. Your 20s are your decade for this - she shouldn’t be clipping her career wings for a relationship at her age, any more than you should.

And if English is not your first language then you are overseas now - do you and your girlfriend work in the same field? Is there an argument that you’re getting the overseas experience but she isn’t?

She wasn't asking me to come with her. She told her bosses about me and said the UAE would be good because I can visit visa-free. So her plan is that she lives there, and I visit sometimes. She's not asking me to join her. She's asking me to wait.

It’s only a year and assumedly if a conflict zone then she will get significant periods of leave/respite. Maybe look together at how and where you can meet up. She definitely needs to research the reality of such a posting too, it can be incredibly stressful, lonely and for a first time overseas it may not be for everyone.

Oh, she's probably one of those 'better to ask forgiveness than permission' people, and this will be a fine example of how she will make decisions throughout your relationship. One demonstration of that shit would be enough for me.

A two year relationship is not 'nothing' or 'dating', especially when you live together. Plenty of people are married by two years in. I'd expect to be consulted on major life decisions that affect us both. She doesn't see any reason to do that, because she's not as 'in' as you are, OP.

It's not even that she held the big discussion with you, OP, and then said 'look, I've listened to everything you have to say, and I'm still going, for the x, y, z reasons I explained. I understand if this means the end of the relationship.' You just didn't factor into her decision at all. She did not think you mattered enough for that basic respect. That's not a partner.

I rarely think the responses would be different if the sexes were reversed, but I do on this one. There'd be plenty more 'placeholder partner' and 'prefers a warzone to you' comments.

You live together and have been in a relationship for 2 years. A 2 year relationship is a long-term relationship, it's not casual. Therefore, I'd have expected my partner to have discussed living abroad alone for a year with me.

However, you have kept your relationship with your partner secret from your wider family. Yes, I understand that telling them was going to be tough, and your fears have been proven. Keeping your relationship secret has made your partner think that she isn't important to you. You should have told your family about your relationship much sooner.

I suspect her feelings about not being important, and hidden away, have impacted her decision to accept a job abroad in a war zone, without discussing it with you.

You aren't going to be able to visit her. Will she be able to fly home to visit you or will that be impossible?

I'm also confused about why she's not allowed to travel abroad without you. Do you mean you didn't want her living abroad without you? Or do you mean you don't want her travelling abroad on her own, even for a holiday??? If it's travelling abroad on her own regardless if she's on holiday or not, that's rather controlling. She's a grown woman, who clearly knows her own mind, there's no reason to infantilize her, just because she's female!

Rookie error OP. Next time you post on Mumsnet, pretend you’re a woman. Then you’ll get much more sensible and sympathetic responses. A lot of people on here will automatically blame the man in any situation.

Personally I think you’re not being unreasonable. Your partner should have at least spoken to you about this, even if she wasn’t going to take your views into consideration .

I don’t know what the problem is!

"You chose her over your family. She responded by choosing her job over you."

I think that's the clearest anyone has put it. Thank you, and thank you for the punctuation comment — made me smile for the first time today.

A plan to move abroad in 2028 is 2 years ? I don’t see why you can’t do long distance for a year?

I assume the posting comes with security and they will be evacuated if the risk gets too high. Yes she should’ve consulted you but it’s not insurmountable

What’s the actual problem with using Chat GPT to help you write a post anyway? Use of AI is actively encouraged in my workplace - creates efficiencies, good for plain English etc. I don’t think it’s right to just assume someone isn’t being genuine or whatever because they used AI (assuming that’s the issue?)

Don’t stop her having interesting life experiences when she’s young. She won’t get the chance later. Either work with it or split up. But if you stop her and stay together she’ll resent you.

She hasn't relocated, she's just had a temporary secondment? That isn't breaking the agreement at all. You sound as though you want to stifle her, as well as not being accepting of her job role. Do you want to be joined at the hip? You are asking her to give up fantastic opportunities, do you not want that for her?

I think turning down a job secondment in your 20s is stupid. Also promising not to move abroad without each other. Is one of those childish honeymoon phase promises.

life happens opportunities arise you have to adapt. It’s not forever it’s for a year. I assume she is still trying to grow her career and didn’t feel confident asking her boss for time to think. Which she should have regardless.

do you want to end it ?

Quite a lot of us haven’t used AI/chat GTP for drafting. We can write quite proficiently by relying on our education, and have done so for decades. We might even like to liberally use the em dash - another supposed AI tell.

Half my family speak English as a second or supplementary language and their style is very similar to OP’s because they come from an academic and research background.

Don’t understand why it should even matter whether the posts are Chat GTP edited.

Frankly, mid 20s, not married, not particularly tied together… she’s doing what she thinks it’s best for her long term and she’s probably aware it might mean the end of the relationship.

Her not telling you in person was a bit of a cowardly move, but doing things that might end your relationship even when there’s nothing super wrong is difficult.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and can’t lie, if the opportunity to move abroad came up it would seriously make me reconsider what I want.

On the flip side...I was offered a job in a different country, where I speak the language and my husband doesn't. It's a safe European country and most people speak good English. I asked him before I applied if he'd be willing to move and he agreed. Then I got the job and he said he wouldn't move and I couldn't take it and it wasn't "realistic". After further discussion it transpired that he assumed I wouldn't get the job, so he didn't want to have an argument that was academic. Still gives me the rage 10 years later.

She isn't living abroad long term. She's taking a temporary posting abroad for a short term. I think the two of you are just not on the same page or understanding each other. I've always been around jobs that involve temporary posting elsewhere and I wouldn't class it as moving abroad long term so I wouldn't class her as having broken her promise to you.

Am I also understanding it right that this is just an initial conversation and her yes was only towards having further discussions about it rather than actually agreeing to go?