Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

I dare say he's a genuine poster, as likely as anyone I guess. But he's using an AI to write his posts and lying about it, that's a fact, and that means he can't be trusted. If he is genuine he needs to post using his own words and that will allow posters to connect with him, not the AI.

I hear you 🤣

Absolutely bizarre suggestion that those suspecting Chatty G only know older/"simpler" men? What absolute bollocks and how patronising.

I tend to know the difference between -

1. "I am feeling really awful. my ex has decided to leave without even telling me. What on earth am i meant to do?"
2. "We talked. We wept. We didn't break up. We sat with our feelings. In silence. And through it all, a moment of clarity emerged. And then some".

Please.

But the OP never said what you’ve put under (2) so what are you on about? You’re making it sound worse than it actually is.

Just because someone speaks in a more formal/ edited register than is often on here doesn’t mean it’s immediately chat gpt and should be dismissed! And my comment was to someone who said they don’t know any man who thinks/ has feelings like this…..and I stand by my comment that it’s really not uncommon to meet men who have these powers of reflection so says something about the men you’re dealing with.

I have lived and worked abroad both while married and single. You said you were planning on moving abroad together. She accepted a job

It's up to you whether you continue with the relationship but I personally wouldn't turn down a great opportunity

So every poster here who’s suspecting AI has emotionally dead “simple” men in their lives? You have no idea who you’re speaking to. You have no idea whether you are speaking to academics, who are reading incessant piles of essays submitted for university work that are AI authored. You have no idea if you are speaking to women working within social sciences with not just lived but professional expertise in such things. You have no idea if you are speaking with people with liberal, progressive life partners, friends and colleagues. Everyone who has spotted the AI here is exposed only to emotionally half witted men hey!

Around once a fortnight, I'm accused of being an AI on here. It seems quite a lot of people can't imagine a human knowing stuff, being good at fact-finding or writing fluently.

I don't even know why you think it matters so much. If someone's language skills aren't that great, why shouldn't they use tech to make their writing more coherent?

@YourShyPlayer
You not introducing her to your family has hugely affected and framed how she sees you and how she thinks you value this relationship.

I think you are being way too controlling as to how & when she should react to a potentially fantastic career opportunity.

She's in her 20s, no children, she wants to work abroad, she wants to prioritise her career at this stage of her life - this is totally normal. Her manager offered her a new role. I would have done exactly as she did....... accept enthusiastically and talk to you about it later.

Life doesn't always work to your 'perfect' timings. It throws in opportunities that you can decide to take or decline. When you are younger, with no big ties, is the time to exploit this freedom.

Don't put all this guilt on her.
If she was my DD, I would be telling her to go. I would also be warning her against a BF who held her back.

They belong to the same religious group - same ethnicity, same religion, same language, non-UK heritage but both born in the UK.

Exactly the same a white british christian historically upper class family not being happy about their child marrying a white british christian from an historically middle or working class background, even if both families today have exactly the same wealth, education levels and lifestyle.

It's not racisim, its a form of cultural classism and bigotry.

You can end this relationship for any reason you like- I would end it over this