Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

You are trying to clip her wings. People shouldn't be expected to turn down longed for opportunities just because they are in a couple, no kids, no marriage . Its a year, surely you can survive some time apart.

She might be a reporter, camera operator etc plus war is a whole industry in itself, numerous professions flock to war zones.

That's a lot of assumptions going on in one post!

Just seen your mid 20s, FAR too young to expect to be joined at the hip for travel/work etc from this point on. She wants different things.

@YourShyPlayer

How long was your girlfriend away the first time?

I could have been your girlfriend when I was also in my mid 20's. I had a boyfriend of over a year who wouldn't introduce me to his mother because she had adored his ex-girlfriend. She wasn't given the chance to find out if she might have liked me too as he never even told her about me. So if we went away for the weekend or did something, he lied to her about who he had been with. I never said anything, but it really hurt. Then she died and it was too late and I honestly think that by that point I knew there would be other similar things that proved I wasn't really a priority in his life. I often wondered when / if he would ever tell her. I got an opportunity and moved to the UAE just like your girlfriend is doing and I didn't consult him. He didn't care about my feelings, why on earth would I take his into consideration when making such a huge personal decision? You made your choice, she has simply done the same.

She is an undesirable partner in an undesirable relationship. If she were viewing your relationship as long term, she would have spoken to you, first. Her career is in the driving seat and her relationship is a passenger that can easily be jettisoned if it is inconvenient to the driver.

Where does she see the future? Is she giving a clear commitment to only staying a year and then coming back to you? Because if so, a year isn’t that long and a strong relationship should be able to withstand that. It is worrying that she didn’t think to consult you.
If her thoughts on the future seem a bit vague/non committal then I’m sorry but I think she’s not committed to the relationship and is possibly looking for a way out.

You aren't engaged (And it doesn't sound like you have proposed). She's quite right to put her career first.

She can't hold her career back for someone who seemed reluctant to tell their family

Your respective families’ prejudices are your separate problems to manage. She doesn’t owe you anything whatsoever because you told your family about her

Your family’s behaviour is likely to be a problem whoever you date.

She seems to have consistently prioritised her career. You’ve chosen to stay in the relationship and might now change your mind. Both fair enough.

Would try to discourage her from going to dangerous places to work, for her sake, even if/when you break up.

I think OP and a number of comments on this thread are over dramatising the situation. It’s a ONE YEAR posting which also sounds like this is part of her role. I’m guessing diplomatic or similar. One year isn’t that long a time particularly in your mid-20s and she has far more flexibility now than she will ever have.

it’s valid to be concerned re the war/women risks and maybe encourage to consider postponing or deferring, or doing the assignment remotely til it becomes clearer, but ultimately someone has to do that job and sounds like she is aware of the risks and wants to do it anyway, again likely it’s part and parcel of her job.

The not mentioning to your family is a bit of an irrelevance, I feel. Are commenters drawing parallels with Sophie the mistress in Bridgerton? It doesn’t sound like she was kept as a big secret and OP you are not Benedict - declaring her as your betrothed would not change her career aspirations…

Which bit of him having told his family about her did you not read? Imho, it’s more likely that telling his family made it too real and she would rather check out of it than hang around to deal with the fallout.

Have you thought about becoming the husband?
it’s not just about the strength of your relationship, but how it’s perceived by her employers!
At the moment you’re the boyfriend she doesn’t consult because his family didn’t know about her for two years. Sounds like an affair not a relationship.

Beyoncé sang about it … if you like it then you should have put a ring on it!
… it would have defined your relationship, to each other and everyone else.

2 years isn’t very long but it’s not nothing either and you do live together so I would consider that a committed relationship. So yes she should have at least discussed it with you. But I don’t think she needed to ask permission as such.
However you can’t stand in her way on this, if she wants to go support her . You can either explore options for you to go too (if that’s what you both want), or long distance for a year isn’t a big deal if your relationship is strong enough.

Has she proposed to him? It takes two to agree to a marriage.

Maybe she realised you kept her a secret and on reflection it says a lot about what she thought you had and what you had in reality.

Your family being outraged or angry is really medieval or Shakespearean.
You hiding your relationship is pure you.

have only read OPs posts. You are both mid-20s. You come from such wildly different cultural backgrounds that your relationship has caused ructions in your family.

Regardless of ANYTHING else, that is a recipe for disaster and something you may both regret when your relationship is at a stage where it is more difficult to extricate yourselves.

She clearly really wants to go. You clearly don't want her to. You are already somewhat incompatible, that just adds to it.

I think this relationship has probably run its course. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear

Op and dp live together and have been together for two years. I therefore can’t quite believe the number of people who consider the dp as a single person, who can (and should) accept an overseas, long term posting with no discussion. Just from a practical point - paying rents and bills, if nothing else.

@Walkaround sums up the situation nicely.

“If she were viewing your relationship as long term, she would have spoken to you, first. Her career is in the driving seat and her relationship is a passenger that can easily be jettisoned if it is inconvenient to the driver.”

I wrote a long post but @Middlechild3 has expressed it much more succinctly:

“Middlechild3 · Today 07:57
Just seen your mid 20s, FAR too young to expect to be joined at the hip for travel/work etc from this point on. She wants different things.”

“You are trying to clip her wings. People shouldn't be expected to turn down longed for opportunities just because they are in a couple, no kids, no marriage . Its a year, surely you can survive some time apart.”

You and she are both at an age and a life stage where you should be able to embrace career opportunities including travel and living abroad. That’s one of the key points of being in your 20s. Given these opportunities have already arisen, overseas placements are obviously a key part of her job or of her career progression. She needs to be able to take these opportunities. It’s unreasonable to expect her not to.

Also, since English isn’t your first language, you are already having the overseas experience.

Ultimately, she has to make decisions she can live with. She wants this opportunity even if it means your relationship ends. That’s hard for you to hear but doesn’t make her unreasonable. Sounds like you’ve had a hard time lately and maybe there are other factors at play in the background making her decision easier?

They’re coherent, use punctuation correctly and are not full of grammar and spelling mistakes?

Not things your going too sea much hear any moor.

ETA: …completely misses the point of the thread 🤣

Many years ago I did something similar, and I remember my boyfriend at the time being very (and fairly) hurt. It wasn't that I didn't love him, it was that the relationship wasn't going anywhere and I started to feel trapped. I got an opportunity and went with it to get out of the dead-end. I was brokenhearted when I left, but I still left. With hindsight I see that I could have tackled the whole thing a lot better.

When you say cultural barriers, you mean your parents are racist and it to you two years to address this directly with them.

If my parents showed any sign of racism I would be calling them out on it the very first day. Not tiptoeing around them and dressing it up as cultural barriers.
How are things meant to progress if the younger generation doesn’t teach them a better way?

My partner is Indian, his mum tries this racist bullshit and I call her out on it. As does my partner.

She has made life choices for not only herself but her partner too.
She is very unreasonable .
Putting herself first when they have clear future plans . Not bothered that he will be left behind worrying .
Most importantly she has chose to risk her relationship without even a thought.
She sounds very selfish .

@YourShyPlayer make your own life plans without her .

I think the comments about age and letting her 'do her thing' are wildly inappropriate. It's a 2 year relationship and you live together. She has acted twice without considering you at all. I'd let this one go. She could have said 'let me talk it through with my partner'. That she didn't is very telling.