Anybody have a partner who is very very tight with money?

[LucyLoo1972]

IS anybody else in a marriage or relationship where the partner is very very tight and frugal?

How do you navigate it? what impact does it have on you?

my DH wont do any financial planning or budgeting - but its liek his goal in life is to spend as little money as possible. He is good earner but we live like the clampets.

we may have to separate becasue our marriage broke down really own I went into psychosis 9part of which was due ot his ways with money.

But if we do stay together, how do you navigate this?

@LucyLoo1972 out of interest, does he try to control how you spend the cash assets left to you by your mother? Or just deprive you from benefiting from his earrings? Because it sounds like he is benefitting from the devision of household labour, but you aren’t benefitting from his earnings, which should also be shared in a marriage?

I think the original poster needs help… and not from the police!

Repeatedly.

But it's up to them to waste their time.

The OP is in a position to leave If her husband is so awful. There's a lot of choice in the wallowing.

Some people don't want to change things. It's familiar and comforting in some way to stay where they are

I dint earn man own money at the moment becasue my mental health is so poor.

our savings have been able to cover soem things when ive been unwell.

he hasn't been paying extra to his pension though and probably should

im entitked t help from the police if somebody is trying to smash into my house and trying to assault my husband.

you've obviously led a sheltered life and dont know what its like to be stacked like this by your own father. its the worst feeling in the world to be treated this way by the person who is supposed to care for you. to lose everything in your happy successful life becasue childhood trauma left your brain susceptible to psychosis.

my psychologist said it is visually impossible for a person with such a traumatised brain as a child to achieve what I did in life and find peace and happiness fro it all to be take.

no he doesnt try t control that.

and he is better about me spending money now. for example, I bought a clothes maiden and a hosepipe and basic things like that.

he definitely benefitted all our marriage from my labour - I took the load of everythign exert hoovering and putting the bins out. I coudlnt hoover becasue of all the piles of junk everywhere.

it feels holes now utterly. we were very blessed.

yes - you are right on this.

I tried to explain the the childhood abuse is the root cause to my father which is why he really kicked off.

and yes you are right - my husband is in no way an abusive person liek my family. he is a good person and we were very very happy.

hes devastated by what happened to me. the childhood abuse was the thing that caused me to not be able ot ask and stand up for the thins I needed. thats why I blame myself so very much

I think I am just clumsy when typing but also after the psychosis I do sometimes 'find' the wrong word in a way I never used to do.

if I am writing academically I am super careful not ot make a mistake

yes I agree. the main suggestion they have is to try living separately from my husband.

I guess they have encouraged me to try some of the practical things like more daylight, exercise, doing crafts and floristry. helped me go back to work for a time.

well - hes very highly qualified but its not producing any change

yes - I should have challenged it more and thats hwy I blame myself

my DH has not been very supportive since I got unwell. He attended my first psychiatric appointment but refuses to speak to my therapist.

the curtains things go back years and is part of just a general disregard for working with me to build a nice home together when we had the money. he procrastinates and vetos everything so its not just an issue of the money. any perosn without trauma would have said Fuck it - im not waiting anymore instead of living in a very depressing environment.

His life is a living hell since ive been sick. in practical terms becasue I did so much liek cooking from scratch every night and arranging and planning every single thign even though ha I struggle with ADHD type symptoms from CPTSD (I never knew I had CPTSD before the breakdwon).

but mostly he struggles becasue I used ot be an unending source of emotional support for him as he has a lot of MH problems and has a lot of neuroticism. and he loved me so is so very very sad to see me like this for nine years when I was is successful and happy and full of life. but yes - no doubt its horrific for him. im totally and utterly changed into a monster when we never even had row or argument before my breakdwon.

we got amazing free holidays form my mum. I think it masked the fact that my husband wasnt happy to pay for very much becasue they were luxurious.

it was more a culture of we dont spend money rather than blocking me from accounts etc.

it was questioning things - like if I bought a water bottle I would be asked - what do you need that for?

A lot of posters have had a lot to say so I hope you read this one OP.
You have talked about taking responsibility
But what you're doing is taking BLAME: which is keeping you mentally and physically "stuck" in the past and in this relationship.
Some of what happened is your partners fault, and some is yours.
At this point it doesn't matter whose fault any of it is. What matters is changing your situation so you can improve your mental health.
Please try and work on letting go of blame/guilt.

I really recommend you quit your therapist, and use the money instead to do a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy program.

ys definately DBT.

and perhaps look at taking some space.
You dont need to necessarily divorce. Not right this moment, but you have the money when the house sells to take some time to find yourself with DBT support.
At the moment the CPTSD means that you are not really able to be in a relationship and function in a healthy way. You bumbled by in the past burning out as you went, and offering all and everything to your husband, whilst demanding little. And that has fed into your feelings of not being worth it, until it all came crashing down.
You may look back with rose coloured glasses, but it wasnt true, you were trying to be everything whilst not feeding the upstream, and when the well ran dry, you had nothing to support and nourish YOU.
Your husband may have his own issues. It sounds as if he does. But that is his deal to work out. Whatever you had is gone now. Its time is passed. Can it be good in the future - who knows, but the ground has shifted drastically and you are not who you were, but not yet who you need to be.

You can still love him. love who he was. But right now you need to fix who you are. The therapy you are having doesnt seem to be taking you anywhere, its just continuing cycles, and Im afraid that many therapists rely on constant ruminating and psychoanalys, without cure, because thats their trade. Especially in the private sector - its like it becomes an ongoing thing for years, just a well regarded person to discuss stuff with.

You need an actual therapist. And therapy that works for your condition.
Its kind of why sometimes the NHS works better, because they can identify the pathway you need, and not the one you choose.

DBT is considered the go to for the kind of trauma you have had.

Then, once you are feeling stronger, you can see if the marriage is able to be reframed going forwards, whether with boundaries you are both able to get, or even want, what the other is offering or wants themselves.

thank you - this is very helpful

thank you - this is very helpful. its true I gave everything and I had rose tinted spectacles both back then and now

I see my psychologist today so im going to suggest to him I do DBT instead

have you done DBT therapy?