Anybody have a partner who is very very tight with money?

[LucyLoo1972]

IS anybody else in a marriage or relationship where the partner is very very tight and frugal?

How do you navigate it? what impact does it have on you?

my DH wont do any financial planning or budgeting - but its liek his goal in life is to spend as little money as possible. He is good earner but we live like the clampets.

we may have to separate becasue our marriage broke down really own I went into psychosis 9part of which was due ot his ways with money.

But if we do stay together, how do you navigate this?

I don't understand your point, you're painting your husband as tight with money yet money isn't really the issue. Try having your card declined constantly or making twenty quid last a week and I'll feel sorry for you. Being frugal isn't a bad thing. Spending £800 a month on therapy and saying it doesn't work is financially wasteful. You are in a more fortunate position than many n you have options. Do what you want to do. If you don't want to be with him get a divorce. He doesn't sound very, very tight with money to me.

I don't understand. You grew up in poverty but you're getting a significant inheritance including part of a property abroad? Your husband is so tight it was a factor in a mental breakdown but he supported you in your PhD and pays significant costs for your therapy and the house is nearly paid off while he is the sole earner because you are unable to work?

I'm not accusing you of anything but something doesn't add up here. I can think of a few possibilities but I don't want to speculate.

I vaguely remember previous posts. I still don't understand why you don't separate if it drove you to a breakdown.

The prob seems to be op doesn’t want to spend any of her money on stuff she wants that’s just for her… she wants to spend his money on stuff she wants? And because he doesn’t see a need for new curtain so won’t pay for them he’s an abuser… despite op could pay for them, she doesn’t want to.

You mentioned therapy that isn't working, look for a different therapist, eg a psychiatrist or psychologist to help with the aftermath of your psychotic break.

Your mental health is not your fault.

Your dh's mental health and behaviour (hoarding, financial abuse, not taking any financial responsibility, emotional abuse etc) is also not your fault.

It's very sad to read how much you blame yourself, wondering if you'd cleared the house of his hoarding if you'd not become ill? Is he there thinking this because I doubt it.

You're so close to seeing the mitigating factors in what happened to you, but instead of seeing how your husband's behaviour contributed to your breakdown, you're blaming yourself for allowing his behaviour to affect you.

You need time away from him to help you think clearly, a lovely solo holiday somewhere you've always wanted to go.

my mum was a single parent and a nurse. she was amazing and worked so so hard - she bought a property in Ireland in her 50s - the Irish economy went boom and she then sold it and bought the place abroad. she was incredibly savvy with money. she bought my father out of the house we lived in as children. thats how she amassed a good amount which I now inherit. but yes - I grew up in poverty with a single parent mum.

id be interested to know what your speculations are?

I remember your posts. I think you should leave your husband so he can be free from this.
He has financially paid for everything in your life for a very long time. The fact that you are now getting 'your' inheritance in pretty awful when you haven't paid a bill or bit of food for how long?
He pays for therapy, studying all in the hopes that you will get to a position to become part of your marriage again and the whole time you think of him with contempt because he won't buy you more.
But now you are saying you have your own money to buy things so there's literally no problem.
It's awful posting your one sided woe is me life without giving anyone the information upfront.

no - im happy to spend my money on things now I have money.

the problem is that in my married life before my breakdown I wasnt able to spend money on ordinary things - like having curtains for OUR home.

And if I financially supported 2 people and has the stress your husband obviously has then I would be buying myself a bloody vinyl when I fancied.

So you had no curtains at all?

I have alwasy paid the bills and for food out of my account - always even in the past nine years. we have separate accounts and bills coem out of my account and the mortgage came out of hid which is roughly the same amount.

im not after fancy things. we didnt even have ah hosepipe becasue hw thought that was a waste of money.

our home is in a state of pretty extreme disrepair

im not after designer handbags

I had the same broken blinds that were in the house when we bought it 23 years ago. they don even open properly to let light in.

@Noshadelamp Your dh's mental health and behaviour (hoarding, financial abuse, not taking any financial responsibility, emotional abuse etc) is also not your fault.
where are you seeing the husbands financial abuse and not taking any financial responsibility in the:
-paying for everything in the household
-funding the ops phd and life while doing the phd
-paying £800 a month for the ‘therapist’ who’s core practice was “ there, there yes he is a dreadful man, you absolutely should get to buy whatever you want and if you find something you want online he should jump to buy it and when you say”…

Then buy some new ones yourself

So why didn’t you buy curtains 23 years ago if you were working then?

The responsibility isn't all yours if he has contributed to the stress that caused your episode. Maybe you should consider if you could manage living alone. It's miserable living with someone who's tight. I dont think he will change. It's a mindset.

Why is he ‘tight’ @Stillsmellingit ? Because he doesn’t do everything he’s demanded of?

You've had good advice on your previous threads, it's not as if this marriage is in any way happy is it?

Guys do an AS on @LucyLoo1972 and don’t bother wasting your time engaging. It’s pointless and her drip feeds will drive you up the wall. This is the fifth or sixth post along these lines I’ve seen from her 🙄

I know my husband has been. under esteem stress. I dont begrudge him his vinyl records. but try living with thousands of them when there is no space for you.

I tried to take every stress off my husabnd when I was well - eery single life admin thing was sorted by me.

I dont begrudge my husband anything. he barely spends a penny on anything else- his clothes are in rags becasue he doesnt want to spend anythign on them. he will only spend £600 on a car max.

I was going to reply but harriothoyle is right, it's not worth my time. Just leave so you can get on with seperate lives.

Er..OP describes him as this in her heading?.....if she can't buy everyday necessities such as curtains then I would agree with her.

I do not know - I really dont.

I should have had more agency and done things. my Dh procrastinates every thing and instead of letting him hold me up I should have just doen things.

im so sad- I really dont want to leave. in so many ways our marriage was very very happy.

it isnt now but we were very happy and well matched in so many ways. we loved each other very much.