Anybody have a partner who is very very tight with money?

[LucyLoo1972]

IS anybody else in a marriage or relationship where the partner is very very tight and frugal?

How do you navigate it? what impact does it have on you?

my DH wont do any financial planning or budgeting - but its liek his goal in life is to spend as little money as possible. He is good earner but we live like the clampets.

we may have to separate becasue our marriage broke down really own I went into psychosis 9part of which was due ot his ways with money.

But if we do stay together, how do you navigate this?

Is your therapist working with you on the abuse, considering it sounds pretty severe and you were still, and are, in contact with the abusers on what sounds like regular basis or is the therapist going with the it's all husband causing it?

yes im on medication, duloxetine and pregablin

I dont know what I get out of it really

I loved life so very very much and tried to live it to the absolute max. I did so so many wonderful amazing things in my life - travelling, living abroad etc, going to museums, collecting art, so many amazing things.

Sounds horrendous but this must be about the 20th time you have posted on this .. you had a slightly dissimilar one a few days ago but in that one you had left. Just leave .. I’m not sure what you are hoping to get out of multiple posts as the advise is always the same

OP I don’t know what you are getting from these multiple posts - all with slightly different versions of the story. I’m sorry you are unwell but I don’t think any of this on MN is helping you. You have had hundreds of people suggesting things to help you over multiple threads but ultimately you aren’t acting on any of it and then post again with a variation on what you posted before. You clearly believe your husband’s frugalness is the root cause of your mental health problems - no one on here can confirm or deny this. I really hope you are getting the help you need in real life because this feels like an echo chamber where you are only engaging with people who are confirming how you feel right at this moment.

Well why are you paying out hundreds of pounds for therapy you say didn't work then? You're the one with a strange relationship to money not your partner.

No, I don't mean that at all. I've been on MN for years and I've built up a pretty detailed picture of how some people on here view mental illness. And some literally don't understand it. Fact.

yes they are. I didnt even think of my abuse as severe. before this breakdown I didn't see myself as having trauma at all. they find it pretty unbelievable that my father is attacking me know - even physically trying ot attack both my DH nad I.

my mum is dead now. I miss her a lot as we were close before my breaddown.

my husband is a good person - he is not liek them. one ing I am certain of is that he never ever intended me to coem to any harm deliberately.

my terpsit agrees with this, however, he thanks that my abuse as a child set me up to accept ithngs in a relationship that others owulndt becasue I was so happy id found a soulmate and a man who never ever raised his voice ot me or hit me. we loved each other very very deeply and I never wanted him to suffer even vague discomfort - hence why I went along with his ways of doing things even if they were not healthy.

I am just so so desperate and dont know what else to do.

its a waste of money I know but im clinging on to hope. its all such a very very horrific mess.

I think they meant that t one directed to me

It's not CBT is it? I haven't been through anywhere near what you have, but going by my own experiences with CBT it can make people feel worse instead of better.

I dont know either.

I know its not the root cause - th root is my childhood abuse which set me up to accept anything nad not change ithngs I needed to change.

I did have CBT which is crap but no this is supposed ot be trauma informed psychotherapy

Obviously you need to talk about this, it is likely very deep-seated and due to the way he was brought up. Do you earn you own money? Will his frugality make life easier later because he’s maxxing the pension savings?

Ah OK, I don't have any credentials in psychiatry but certainly my personal experience of CBT was that it was crap, or at least it is when not skilfully performed. I don't know anything about trauma informed psychotherapy but it's a shame it's not been helping when you've had to shell out so much for it!

I recognised you immediately from other threads which are variations of this one.

OP you are not going to get what you want from these multiple threads, you won't listen to the advice and you won't help yourself.

In other threads you said you were too ill to work and now you say you work full time. If you have your own money take care of yourself. Get rid of the husband and get your own place. Move on, get the help you need and stop wallowing in this situation.

Either make a change to your situation, or change your attitude to the situation you have. You clearly don't want to leave your husband - from what you've said over several threads, he seems supportive generally and isn't averse to spending on the whole.

Not getting new curtains seemed to trigger in you negative feelings for him, I seem to remember. There was nothing to stop you getting them anyway; nothing would have come of it, surely. Would taking control of your own choices, such as getting new curtains, make anything worse in your marriage?

I think OP just needs to talk to someone, anyone. Sometimes your head can feel full of 'stuff' and you need to offload on anyone who will listen, which is why I think she is constantly posting very similar threads. Maybe you could talk to Samaritans or someone, OP, they are very good at listening and it really does sound as though you don't want solutions you just want someone to hear you.

You also sound very unwell.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat or the therapist that’s being paid £800 a month?

Your husband is being supportive financially and mentally, and also has your dad coming down and being violent, which he bears the brunt of……But he’s a bastard for not buying you some curtains. Which you could’ve afforded on your own wages as you were a apparently a high flyer?
Confusing. I doubt his life is a bed of roses at the moment either.

Mine used to be like this and I grumbled about it. Finally he could see that we didn't need to scrimp and save and he's calmed down a lot. In fact he is possibly the more extravagant spender than me now.

DBT is alot more suitable than CBT, which is more applicable to simpler problems.

So from what I understand

OP was working and was studying (on a scholarship)

She earned much much less than her husband, but paid equally for bills/ life.

They had seperate accounts and he was earning enough (especially with bills being subsidised by OP) that he didnt really think about money at all, and could spend willy nilly on whatever he wantyed

Meanwhile OP was struggling to meet her 50%, and with everything coming out of her account, she also held responsibility if it was defaulted. I imagine that he paid his share, but maybe grudgingly(?) and questioning anything beyond a household bill

As her income was much less than his, and she wasnt paying p[roportionately, she was reliant on his good will or not for anything she needed, and that was not forthcoming.

OP says she still conrtributed while she has been out of work - at the moment from cash she has inherited, maybe previously from any small savings? People seem happy to jump on the fact that she isnt pulling her financia weight, but I would argue that she has been paying far more than her fair share, and living in an incompleted house for years on end (I seem to remember that in many ways its unsafe, with floorboiards up in some places) having her card refused in the past, while he is earning good money and the mortgage paid off, is hardly freeloading.

Leave OP.

Take the value from the marital house and half the savings, and get out. Live in Tuscanty. Live somewhere mortgage free. But get out. The good times are gone. They were only good times because you were bankrolling your future and getting free holidays. You are worth more.

I have my doubts about that therapist...

but what is the therapy making you DO
Its no point just constantly ruminating and rehasghing the past. At some point its supposed to be about helping you move forwards and rebuild your life
and that takes action, not words

I have a question that is not related to your questions and is in no way a put down, I'm just curious.

I know you are intelligent as you have a phd but I noticed in this thread and your other one that your transpose a lot of letters in your words. Is that a result of dyslexia or related to your mental health things or are you, like me a bit clumsy fingered when typing. You don't need to answer this question to be honest. I'm just being nosey.

You are still kind of passing 40+ years with abusive family and aiming for it all to be DH's fault. It's all over the threads. The whole severe abuse gets kind of sideway mentions.
Is he perfect, fuck no. But somehow he seems to be the main villain and the only cause for the breakdown across your threads not just a part of it from how it sounds. And part caused by his mh issues by the sound of it.
I am sorry but I think that's because once you admit that most of your issues are from the abuse, you would condemn your mother. And you won't do that. So husband gets the full blame.
Again, just to be clear, I am not saying he has no part in this, but your threads seem to, from memory, only really talk about him causing it, not extended severe family abuse, except occasional mention. The abuse is till going on it seems, it's not just something that happened and stopped 30+ years ago.