Anybody have a partner who is very very tight with money?

[LucyLoo1972]

IS anybody else in a marriage or relationship where the partner is very very tight and frugal?

How do you navigate it? what impact does it have on you?

my DH wont do any financial planning or budgeting - but its liek his goal in life is to spend as little money as possible. He is good earner but we live like the clampets.

we may have to separate becasue our marriage broke down really own I went into psychosis 9part of which was due ot his ways with money.

But if we do stay together, how do you navigate this?

yes they do - I see that.

I blame myself for not setting nay boundaries or inciting on my DH engaging in budgeting or fiannail planning or maintaining and keeping our property in a reasonable state of repair and getting soem of his hoarded tuff into storage. all of this I could have changed and challenged and we may not have ended up in this terribel hole.

In my experience someone who is mean financially will be mean emotionally.
Its interlinked with there whole personality.
its very wearing in a relationship or even friendship .

I don't understand your tolerance. It's down to you to free yourself. Unless you're too frightened of something.
It's your call. If you're intelligent enough to succeed, you will. Good luck.

this is very perceptive because he was very closed emotionally and gave little physical affection.

it gets you down over the long haul

tbh I dont understand it myself

I dont know what im afraid of now

im an intelligent woman so I dont get it - my childhood must have skewed my whole thinking

I am the husband. My wife refuses to pay for anything saying "that's a man's job. If you can't handle it I'll find somebody who can."
I was made redundant in Feb 26, so I guess she's going to refuse to pay the bills and lose our home. That's going to be fun to watch. I bought the house with my life savings as a deposit. She bit*hes that I've never got any money...

Well, honey, -£2300 net pay and £2145 on bills lands with next to nothing to give away for rest of the month.

How about you both open up about your financial situation and set up a payment towards the bills together or it's going the same way as mine.

I have an exit plan that does not end well for her and I'm prepared to lose everything to be rid of her forever. It'll be a shame to lose my investment but I'm a man. I have handled worse things in life. Losing a bitter controlling woman is a kinder relief. Hard truths are not nice and comfortable to wear or hear. So, go be honest with your man. Support him and do whatever you can to inspire him. Thank him for what he does do and if that's not good enough for you, maybe you're the problem?

I still think you could try for Pip. If you think about things properly l’m sure you could find some points that fit to your situation.

I’d bin the £800 therapy and find some good EMDR

Hmm. I have known people like this and in my experience, it's a core personality trait that is almost impossible to change.

I think misers should be with other misers.

You two don't sound suited, OP.

I’d get a financial advisor. That way someone else can actually help him organise his frugality and see some long term benefit of it. If he doesn’t do any financial planning he sounds niave? What’s the big goal of spending nothing - what’s he doing with the money that’s left? A financial advisor would help him (and you) organise this ‘way of life’ into something manageable and productive.

If he doesn’t financial planning AT ALL and will not, I’d be very very stressed. It’s an obligation for everyone.

A few observations op.

1. if you are hoping for magic advice that will enable you to change the problematic aspects of your DH, be aware people rarely change significant aspects of their personality - frugal people tend to remain frugal. It sounds like he does not value the same things as you and so does not want to spend the way you do, that's unlikely to change. Was he always like this? You describe him as emotionally closed - what made you want to marry him, has he changed?

2. it sounds like you need purpose. You say you can't work at all but mention having done a mat cover and some voluntary work, which is really positive. Is it possible you might manage something, just not a return to the career you had before your breakdown? I wonder if you need to accept doing something less intense/demanding than academia or research etc and think about lower responsibility options. While its a pity not to use your phd, doing something at all could improve your mental health.

As on ops other threads still can’t see the problem, he’s apparently a miser and mean with money because he doesn’t buy what op wants when she wants. He’s still been running and financing the home for most of their marriage while op does a phd that he funded which she’ll never use.
hes not a miser with food or things that they actually need.
op isn’t actually stopped for buying things she wants as she has tens of thousands in savings. And am sure on your last thread he was funding the near £1k a month of ‘therapy’.
i really hope you’ve changed therapists as are they not wholly inappropriate?
are these threads really just woe is me stealth wealth boasts @LucyLoo1972 ?

I couldn’t deal with this.

The last half of that last paragraph... 🤣🤣🤣

“As on ops other threads still can’t see the problem, he’s apparently a miser and mean with money because he doesn’t buy what op wants when she wants. He’s still been running and financing the home for most of their marriage while op does a phd that he funded which she’ll never use.
hes not a miser with food or things that they actually need.”

Is this true? Also how much of a miser can he be if he was supportive of you doing a PhD? And he’s cool with £800 a month on therapy that you deem useless?

And please use spellcheck, it’s genuinely hard to read your posts.

I'm sorry but I dont understand the issue. Your husband is stingy but you have more than enough money of your own. Your husband spends his money on himself so spend your money on yourself. You say you cant work but you dont need to due to your financial situation. Just get a hobby or volunteer. You are very lucky that your financial situation gives you that freedom!

Wait - your stingy husband funded your PHD and pays 800 a month for therapy? I think your biggest problem is that you cant see how lucky you are. Very ungrateful actually

You are trapping yourself inside your own head. You have all the tools you need. We can’t change your situation or your husband.

You can’t change him. You can change yourself. Woman up and stop thinking about how he isn’t who you thought he was. Just get on with it. You don’t want to leave because you love him. So organise your life and get on with it. Nothing is stopping you. Don’t wait for him as it will never happen.

You have money.
You have a home
You have a man you love despite his eccentricities.
You are a bit burnt out, but you aren’t incapable.

I would stop the therapy and spend the money on something that you’ll enjoy and see fruit from. Like curtains, or fixing the roof or something. Lose the inertia and do something!

I get you had a breakdown.
Really bluntly. it happens and you arent that special. (I say this as someone who has experienced similar)

Your have inheritance, go get a divorce now and you could live very nicely

Do a bit of gardening (excellent for mental health and any fucker can do it) and get a minimum wage job in a shop or pub or museum or tourist attraction or something .....nice low demand. Maybe just volunteer is a stately home or working a charity shop.

Any of that has to be better and more likely to lead to better mental health than sitting around in your house all day waiting for another navel gazing therapy session.

Shocked youd be told you simply cant work at all
You sound educationally capable and work gives structure and self worth.

You have the money to leave and yet you want to throw 9k pa down the drain on therapy thats going no where living with scrooge mcduck....

Is you plan just to continue breaking crumbs off your inheritance until theres fuxk all left and you are actually stuck???

I dont get it....

God not this post again. Just leave.

She won’t as then she’ll need to pay for the costs of day to day living 🙄

I thought it’s this poster too.

@LucyLoo1972 if that is you then you had loads of good advice last time which can be summed up as he is an abusive twat, leave him. All the self reflection, wanting him to change and going on about the past is irrelevant.

If you want to leave, just leave. You don't need permission from anyone here to do that.
I really can't work out what is going on here. If he is paying bills, funding your education, then what is it he's not doing that is getting you upset?
It's often impossible for outsiders to pick out if it's an abusive relationship or if you just have different ideas. So:
Do you lack money for essentials?
Do you have the means to fund entertainment?
Can you treat yourself when you want?
Is your home in a good state of repair?
Does that cause argument?
Do you pay according to your income?
Is the money not the actual problem?

It sounds like you don't want to leave him but cannot cope with him having an opinion on anything you spend. In some ways, if he has financially supported you all those years, he is entitled to some opinion, however... it sounds like that dynamic is about to change with your inheritance as you will have money of your own, which you can then spend on what you like.
FWIW, my husband is very frugal, but it works because I am too, and we really enjoy trying to live as cheaply as we can, but I can see that it would be very frustrating if one of us was not like that.

I have to admit that sometimes I am confused how he got branded abuser because he certainly provided normal stuff, just not nicer curtains and something for phd work.
Op also said numerous times she had own money from phd funding etc.

The therapy is nkt working simply based by ndar daily it feels posts about the breakdown and repeating tjings to a poimt ypu could just copy and paste.

I’m a bit confused by what the problem is. Your husband is frugal/tight, but you say you have your own bank account with plenty of money (and more on its way) - is he somehow stopping you spending that money?

Granted I presume you are also contributing some of that money to the household so I do understand it won’t last forever.