Anybody have a partner who is very very tight with money?

[LucyLoo1972]

IS anybody else in a marriage or relationship where the partner is very very tight and frugal?

How do you navigate it? what impact does it have on you?

my DH wont do any financial planning or budgeting - but its liek his goal in life is to spend as little money as possible. He is good earner but we live like the clampets.

we may have to separate becasue our marriage broke down really own I went into psychosis 9part of which was due ot his ways with money.

But if we do stay together, how do you navigate this?

I know what its liek to have my card declined.

tis happened quite a lot in recent years.

Then you need to tell them. Ask them for the help you need - don't expect people to magically divine what it is you are needing. They can't know until you tell them. Don't conceal, don't cover up what you are feeling and going through, go to the professionals and ask them for help. Tell them, not us, because we can't help, all we can do is sympathise and that's not always the best thing.

I alwasy paid my way - in fact proportionate ot my earnings I paid a lot lot more.

thank you - I do try to tell them. I try not othold anythign back. my state of mind is so strange that I dont ithnk they know how ot help me really.

If your therapist cost £800 a month and you don’t feel any better then you need a better therapist!

Very much so even if it didn't cost that money!

I cant really convey how far from the truth it is that I just wanted to spend as I wanted.

I own one swimming costume, for example, when we would go abroad to see my mum a lot. I would wear clothes until they had holes in.

yes this is true

I agree -its not helping me or us at all.

OP, I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time from some posters, apart from the fact that a lot of MNers don't understand mental illness, or that it can indeed render a person unable to work. It sounds like you've been through an awful time and your DH isn't helping matters. I just wanted to let you know some of us do get it. Please try to be kinder to yourself, you didn't choose to get ill.

A lot of people don't understand therapy either and wrongly think it's self-indulgent. I wonder if those same people would expect a person with a damaged limb to heal properly if they didn't have physiotherapy. I also suspect we might have a few of the 'pull yourself together' brigade on this thread.

You said in one of your past threads that your husband pays for your therapy.

Was your mum abusive too?

im paying now I have my inheritance.

but its never been 100,000

yes she was but I didnt' see how bad it was at the time because it seemed better than my violent alcoholic father.

there was a lot of emotional neglect, parentification, exposure to inappropriate sexual things, shouting eery day of our lives as children and teenagers, incredibly domineering, just constant shouting. telling me I was fat all the time as a child. being left unattended as children. she divorced my father and was mentally unwell herself. pushed and pushed us academically - nothing was ever good enough for her.

Ok I would get out of this relationship with as much money as possible (stop spending on therapy and get a good lawyer). Then I would buy myself an acceptable but good value property to live in and ideally a rental
so you can generate an income.

Then I’d focus on getting my mental health a bit better so you can take some sort of paid work, not just for the money but also for the sense of self worth and keeping your brain going. If you need to do some volunteering first or study that’s fine too.

I can’t help but think that staying in this relationship is at the root of everything and you need to break the cycle of control and guilt.

If you need a few weeks abroad to reset in the place in Tuscany I think that might be a good idea too- if you go on your own it might really help clarify things.

thank you - believe me I have alwasy managed ot pull myself together through efforts. you dont get where I got to from the horrific background I have if you cant do that. thats the tragic thing.

but the breakdown was so so extreme and complete - I mean I believed I was an animal at one point.

It sounds horrendous. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Why when you have had money for floristry classes, have lots of craft supplies?

yes - I could go to Tuscany. its hard because it have so many memories of how happy I was with my DH there.

im so messed up in my head.

I loved my Dh very much and only wanted the best for him which is hwy I alwasy put his comfort and needs first always.

I do these thigns now to try ot get better but I never spent on anythign like that befroe ever. I spent no money on hobbies, or leisure at all.

the swimming costume is just na exam of how frugal we were befroe my breakdwon

That’s very subjective to say “a lot of MNetters don’t understand mental illness” do you mean “a lot of mnetters wont provide the echo chamber of yes, yes you are the victim everyone else is awful and mean”?

thank you - it was awful so bad but in some ways I feel worse now becasue I see how my whole life has collapsed. it was really hard to build such a happy and productive stable life. thign is I never once thought of my childhood or realised I ahd trauma when it ws pretty horrendous. I have 8/10 on the ACE scale.

When did I say I can’t work ? I think you’re confused. I have a full time job working in civil service and have been in the civil service for 18 years now

Both of us work fulltime we have 4 kids and fees to pay

Are you on medication? Maybe time to see your GP. Obviously your “therapist” is not helping at all as you keep going over and over the same thing (and posting multiple times about it).

You can’t change the past, you can’t change your husband - only you can do something about your life to break this unhappy cycle.

What do you get out of all these posts? I don’t see that it helps you - it just keeps you thinking about the past. What is the point in that?

You only get one life so start living it now.

I think I alwasy have lacked self awareness

I think now im more aware of how things went so very wrong but that doesnt help me now