Anybody have a partner who is very very tight with money?

[LucyLoo1972]

IS anybody else in a marriage or relationship where the partner is very very tight and frugal?

How do you navigate it? what impact does it have on you?

my DH wont do any financial planning or budgeting - but its liek his goal in life is to spend as little money as possible. He is good earner but we live like the clampets.

we may have to separate becasue our marriage broke down really own I went into psychosis 9part of which was due ot his ways with money.

But if we do stay together, how do you navigate this?

I looked it up just now and the things you need ot have to be eligible are not really applicable to me - it talks about not functioning in daily living tasks and also mobility but im ok on both os those even though my daily functioning is about 20% of what it was befroe my breakdwon

How on earth do you expect useful answers if you not declare your history?

You have started many threads about your totally dysfunctional marriage. How many more do you plan to start?

It is always the same. People try to help until someone recognises you, at which point your history emerges. You then get the same advice as in previous threads, ie to leave, because he won’t change and your weekly psychiatrist sessions won’t help you while you’re with him.

my therapist used to be an accountant and said maybe I should just accept that I have to stop work now.

the thing is it doesnt bring me any peace liek it would for most people becsue I miss my work terribly and my MH doesn't give me one second peace in my mind ever. I don know what is wrong with me.

its honestly hard becsue so much of the marriage was very very goo and I worry it's all me who went wrong. I was very complaint thought and didnt advocate for my own needs ever in the marriage.

do you mind me asking whether you are married?

I’m not sure why it’s relevant, but yes, I am. My husband and I have been together for more than 50 years.

@LucyLoo1972 How does your husband feel about you not working?

oh that's lovely.

I just wondered because you seemed to know a lot aobut issues in marriage.

there were parts of our marriage that were very very strong. I have a lot of childhood trauma so have CPTSD symptoms an I suspect my husabnd is neurpdivergent which may cause soem of his issues.

He just wants me to get better and be who I was again.

he nows how hard I worked for my PHD and wants to see me get back to that work.

he doesnt complain about me not working becasue he knows im not a freeloader nd would do anything ot be working - I hate not working and feel like a burden and a parasite.

No - he hasn't spend over £100,000 on therapy for me.

we do hae a huge therapy bill of around £800 a month but I pay for that from my mums inheritance. its such a waste becasue it does zero good - im not getting better becasue the damage has al been done and no amount of theroay now can bring that back

@LucyLoo1972 But you said the inheritance was "in progress"?

yes it is. ive received some of the cash my mum left in bank accounts. her house is yet to be sold os I haven received the bulk of it it.

ive received around 30,000 which was from her cash assets.

@LucyLoo1972 Wow. You're not exactly struggling financially then!

I meant to say it was overworking, doing my phd and three jobs and most fo everything to run our household and have all the mental load that led to my breakdwon. im the opposite of lazy. I was publishing books whilst doing my PHD and passed my PhD with n o corrections required. I was an obsessive workaholic due ot childhood trauma and extreme perfectionism from that.

no - im not struggling financially. we never ever were struggling finically becsue we barely spent a penny. I was living a life more deprived of things than when I was a student. we never ever had debt except for a mortgage. no spending spresses and we both worked bloody hard. the problem was never that we didnt have money - he problem is I wasnt allowed ot spend it

@LucyLoo1972 So if you're comfortable financially I'm not sure what the issue is tbh? If you have money from inheritance then use that?

to leave him you mean?

or just to spend on life. I do use my inheritance. I dont have a joint account with my DH. but in any case I basically dont have a life now at all. I wasnt bothered about having a fancy lifestyle but there were soem ithngs I needed and I didnt have much to help with ym MH.

I knew we were incredibly blessed financially. I grew up in poverty so I know what's its idk to not even have food. I worked os hard to get to be an academic and my work was all around improving outcomes for working class people.

@LucyLoo1972 Do you want to leave him?* *It's not money stopping you.

no - id be ok for money. in fact better off if we split although I dont know when I will work regularly again.

I Leo him very very much and dont want to leave - he was the most precious thing in my life. I blame myself because if I ahd confronted the damaging behaviour that was taking its toll on me we might never have been in this option. I see its crazy now that I didnt. I want us ot be together liek wee were befroe but things are very different now.

@LucyLoo1972 Sorry - still don't understand. Your issue is your husband is "tight with money" but, despite not working, you have more than enough of your own. More than many people have who are in work.

@LucyLoo1972 money doesn't make you happy so it's irrelevant for you.
Work makes you happy but you say you can't work because of MH and therapy hasn't worked.
Have you ever tried chilling and rejoicing in what you have and or things that you can do within your capabilities?

well the way our finances have run and do run is dysfunctional and not sustainable in the long term if we are together

I know I have money now I have an inheritance. I wasnt money or materially focused before (if I was this issue would have coem up in our marriage way way before it got to breakdwon stage for me. it was only wehn I didnt have pretty essential things that I broke down.

its not liek I wan any things now - my whole life has been taken, anything that gave me joy and purpose and meaning

How could you even contemplate

I do try to do this! ive started engaging in a lot of crafts and have been learning new thigns. I try to take joy in the little things like my cat! im doing some academic work on a voluntary project.

I was never evr a perosn to complain. after my abusive childhood I had built a beautiful life and was so thankful for it eery single day. but I think it meant that I could never see it was ok for me ot have needs of any kind.

So you're still allowing yourself to feel abused.
Normally people get themselves out of it.
You did it once so you can do it again.
Take time to get a good grip on your future.

sorry - I dont understand this