Anybody have a partner who is very very tight with money?

[LucyLoo1972]

IS anybody else in a marriage or relationship where the partner is very very tight and frugal?

How do you navigate it? what impact does it have on you?

my DH wont do any financial planning or budgeting - but its liek his goal in life is to spend as little money as possible. He is good earner but we live like the clampets.

we may have to separate becasue our marriage broke down really own I went into psychosis 9part of which was due ot his ways with money.

But if we do stay together, how do you navigate this?

Honestly, woman, just take some bloody responsibility for your own life.

I am not unsympathetic towards you. Poor mental health is horrible to live with but I don’t think you are doing yourself any favours by constantly looking back and blaming things from nine years ago.
it happened, you are still struggling now, it’s awful and you hate that this is your life now, I get it, but you have to stop looking for something or someone to blame.
Right here, right now, what do you think will help? If you can’t forgive your husband or he’s not adding to your life you can separate.
I really don’t think him not buying curtains caused a severe mental illness

You are very disingenuous in your multiple posts about your marriage and relationship. Drip feed after drip feed, where many posters have given their time to you, yet you post again with another plot twist.

For someone with a PHD and the benefactor of robust therapy, you lack so much self-awareness.

Leave the marriage and get on with your life. Nobody here can help you further, I am sure of that.

Im wondering if you are mixing up his spending money and his emotional coldness, and then judging your worth in his ability to deliver either.

You say you were not financially demanding - often people who deprive themselves like that - who cannot set expecations for what is a reasonable expecation of someone they are a partner with, because they dont want to be seen as (the terrible term) a gold digger - well its because of a serious lack of self worth.

So you are focusing on his miserly behaviour towards you as a judgement as to how much you are valued by him. Whereas his emotional coldness is registering a similar level of care.

You say that you broke. That things were good and then life threw spanners, and that you broke the marriage. And he is waiting/ hoping for you to get better. However you have CPTSD. It may be that until that is addressed and you can move forward from it, you may not get better, and it may be the root of the low value you hold of yourself.

Can I ask - before you went into psychosis - were your earning fairly equal? And was your contribution to running the marriage equal? And the hours you worked? What did you do together that made you feel fulfilled as a couple? That made you feel loved?

It feels as if you were always carrying a much heavier burden - Im assuming that you were earning money and contributing into the household - you say you were in charge of the finances, so why did you not just spend the money you needed for work? why did he get to veto stuff for you when he was buying things for himself? I have not read your other threads so Im unsure if he is a high earner and you were on a pittance and had pennies whilst working 3 jobs. And doing all the household stuff?

because I think of course he was happy. He had a partner who demanded little, either financially or emotionally, who kept house for him.

Things have changed now. Your psychotic break means that you are beginning to unpick. And some of that unpicking is revealing that there are some serious cracks in your marriage. Whether it is your fault or his fault matters not. It doesnt function and it doesnt serve you. If you have unresolved CPTSD you need to get help - ideally through the NHS (or even just signposted), because they will give you what you need rather than what you want - its very easy to fall into the trap of a gentle therapist who avoids looking in that dark place - and that needs to be done alone or with an emotionally available supportive partner - which yours is not.

I would look and see if there is anyone who offers DBT in your area. I would also look to see if you can find any advocacy help to apply for PIP. someone functioning on 20% is not functioning. I would hazeard that you dont know what healthy functioning is.

It’s the same on every thread…. It’s all his fault… poor me…
I couldn’t buy anything because he wouldn’t let me…. But we’ve always had our own accounts….
if you’ve not worked for years and years…. and don’t get benefits… have only just got this inheritance.. where did you get funds from then?

I alwasy paid all th bills and food shopping - alwasy even now

he didnt fund my PhD - I won a prestigious fellowship which covered the fees and also living expenses- not a lot but it covered it and I was also working three different jobs in addition part-time. all my friends husbands did have to support them but mine didnt. its very rare in my subject to be funded.

most holidays were free becasue they were at my mums place which she let us use free of charge

my therapist says no such thing. im not a spendthrift who wants thigns all the time.

im not materialistic for things, if I was I wouldn't have been with my DH fro so long. we never ever had any debt, even car loans. I wasnt asking for frivolous thigns. our house is not even decorated.

he woudlnt do any fiancail planning or budgeting at all. I dont tihnk thats a healthy way to live and it stressed me out.

I know ive messed up our lives for both of us by not challenging these behaviours earlier on.

So who pays the day to day expenses? Are you contributing to household expenses and paying an equal share?

im trying to do that. and thats why I blame myself a lot for not challenging thigns earlier.

all the bills and food come out of my account so yes im contributing equally and alwasy have done

I was also working three different jobs in addition part-time. all my friends husbands did have to support them but mine didnt. its very rare in my subject to be funded.
how many hours were you working?
there’s posts on here all the time “I work part time” and they then say it’s 2 hrs a week!
is the friends having the finances to be supported a factor?

Where is your income from? Well the inheritance now, but in the years when you werent working and before the inheritance?

Yep.

I think the OP just uses Mumsnet as a way to talk about how shit her life is, if it is shit and not spend her own money, not take responsibility for anything and will be back again at some point going on about the blinds that she has the power to change but won't.

thank you for your kind response.

I do tihnk that my CPTSD must be at the root of my low self worth. I had no reason to have low self worth otherwise at all. - I had a wonderful life, lots of friends and was very successful.

my husband is a relatively high earner and has has earned a decent amount and more than I have done - he earns around £70k now

when I was doing my phd I was earning a lot less.

and yes - I think he withheld emotionally also.

I would organise bills and set up the investments we had at the beginning of our married life, id be the one searching round for deals and switching thigns round. but we hd separate personal accounts which mean I didnt have easy access to money. he would procrastinate a lot.

we didnt do a lot that connected us as a couple. we had a love of art and music and would go to many exhibitions. but we never had a date night and he didnt take me out for my birthday or anniversary for example.

its very sad because we loved each other very much.

but we hd separate personal accounts which mean I didnt have easy access to money.
why couldn’t you access your own money? What would you do if he suddenly became unwell and couldn’t work?

I worked around 25 hours a week across the three jobs

This, and for the “yeah he’s an abusive bastard for being so frugal…. Poor you”

Are you still in contact with your abusive family?

I could access my own money. I was working 20 hours a week and all the bills nad food came from my account.

I have no clue at all what we would do if he suddenly became unwell and couldn't work. I wanted to sit down and plan for these eventualities but my husabnd wouldnt give time to that.

we were in a very very blessed financial situation - I was very aware of that. we both grew up in pretty poor - me more so than my husband but things were tight for him also.

my mum died. I dont really have much to do with my sister.

I asked my father for some time to not see him whilst I was going through everythign form childhood in therapy - I had always stayed low contact with him, which I realise now was emotionally costly for me.

He started making treats towards me and last week came 300 miles to our house and tried to smash our window to get in. the neighbours called the police. He is 80

I know he loved me a lot. I blame myself becasue I dint need to let things get like this. I should have insisited we had time for financial planning and discussions becasue it is what is needed as adults who are married.

The bit by bit facts from the poster I think this is No32 of things that didn’t happen! Sorry if I’m wrong… but I don’t think I am!

How could you contemplate being in a relationship with someone so tight. What a joyless, sad life.

I didnt notice it as it was happening really and I dont know why. maybe becasue I ahd such low expectations of relationships.

no he never paid £100,000 fro therapy for me.

I do not know where that idea came from as ive never said that

Get your £200k well invested and £1000 per month interest at least is likely
That will give you a bit of financial freedom.