Husband won't have sex with me

[Brasshandle]

Married to DH for 10 years. I love him, he's pretty good as a dad and we are a good team. We get on well and I enjoy his company. We have never had a wild sexual relationship, and my libido has always been higher than his. But it's now been a year since we last had sex. And before that one time, another year. I think since our youngest was conceived in 2019 we have had sex five times.
Every one of those times came after me repeatedly suggesting it, to the point of almost nagging. I bring up regularly the fact that we never do it, that I think it's unfair and that I wonder if he fancies me. He just shrugs and says he's tired or that we will at some point. We never do.

I don't think I'd ever have an affair, and I don't want to leave him for very many reasons (largely because apart from this one thing it's all good). But I get so frustrated sometimes I could cry. And I just miss something I enjoy a lot. The thought of a sexless life or a pity shag once a year is so sad. It was my birthday last week. Kids away, got all dressed up, and he ended up eating and drinking too much and saying he just wanted to go to sleep.

He isn't massively physically affectionate either, but I get hugs from the kids!

I don't know what advice I want really. I am just feeling sad.

any progress re: communication, @Brasshandle ?

You don't have to tell people the gory details of why you end a marriage though. "We want different things out of marriage" for example would be perfectly true and perfectly reasonable.

Sex IS an important part of life.

Staring into a future without it until death does you part sounds pretty devastating.

Just reading it, I feel bad for you. Is communication good between you ? Do you ask him why he's like this, or asked him how often he feels horny / or he just never does ? Its possible he's asexual. There are some ppl like that.
If he is, your choice will be to accept it or break up, I know that would be hard as he is good in all other areas. Maybe show him some info online about asexuals and see if he can relate, it might not be that. If he is, at least you will know its not going to get better. Then you can decide what you will do / if anything. Good Luck 🤞

You sound so down @Brasshandle
is there any way you can have a serious and open conversation with your husband?

@Brasshandle Ive taken time to read your posts and if they are genuine & I'm sorry for doubting they are, I honestly cant believe what I've read. I'm not often lost for words but in this instance I really dont know what to say other than how on earth are you tolerating this? If he was ill & physically unable thats a different story & Im sure you would give him all the help & support he required. Having said that even then there are always ways to make your partner feel loved & sexually desired. I don't think I'd last a month with this man. Its bordering on cruelty. He needs help or in the worst case scenario finding a woman who has absolutely no desire for physical intimacy. Stay strong, you can get through this without feeling any guilt whatsoever.

Believe me it's true. I don't think I'm either as incredulous as you are or as angry at DH. I know that there are plenty of sexless marriages, although from what I have read on here and elsewhere it's normally the husband wanting it more.

People are asking about asexuality. I have wondered that but I always thought that even asexual people felt sexual urges (but just didn't want to have sex with other people). Maybe I am wrong.

I don't consider him cruel. I just consider him unusual in this way, and am trying to manage the consequences. I have been thinking about this situation a lot over the last couple of weeks and am perhaps just getting resigned to it now. Some people go through life without far more important things than sex. Is it a shame? Yes. Is it worth ending my marriage over? No.

@Brasshandle I understand the stance you're taking. Many people in sexless marriages think along the same lines: "Worse things happen at sea."

Ok - it sounds like you've decided to accept your sexless state. But - how can I put this? - please review your situation, regularly, and never be afraid to ask yourself, "Am I happy?" And don't lie to yourself: that would be a recipe for mental illness.

OP, you are a young vibrant woman and it’s incredibly sad that you’re married to a man who constantly rejects you sexually, refuses to touch or kiss you in any intimate way and won’t even talk about it. You may feel resigned one day of the week but you won’t the next. Other people’s relationships do not justify this or make it feel better. You don’t think your husband even cares or notices how you look, which is worse than a good friend who would notice. You shouldn’t think about it as plunging into divorce. But if you don’t open the lines of communication, one day it will all come spilling out in anger in the worst possible way. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be taken seriously, not brushed aside. They are not trivial.

I"m here next to my DH after returning from a social gathering. We are unusually too tired for the night to end in intimacy. If I thought the man next to me would never want to show me he loved & desired me I would be devastated. How on earth can you find contentment in his rejection of you OP. I've not been a member here for long but in all honesty I dont think I've read read such a sad relationship post. I hope it works out for you despite knowing what I would do. You deserve better.

Thanks for the overnight responses. I don't think people should think that I am completely sad or that this problem dominates my thoughts the whole time. It is an issue that I am sad about, sure. But I and we have a great life otherwise and this is just a small part of it.

Interesting comment from @Bunny65 to illustrate this and how things do change from day to day. Thursday was a day when I thought about this a lot and got slightly annoyed and sad. I had a rare hour to myself at home and felt like I had to use some of the time to relieve my urges because I'm not sure when the next comfortable time will be. It was like a chore alongside emptying the dishwasher and I felt annoyed at him for reducing me to this. But then last night the two of us went out to a friend's for dinner and it was great. Lots of laughter and kindness, and I admired how he talked, and we listened to each other and had a great time, and came home to our lovely family. The fact that we then went to bed and didn't have sex wasn't an issue.
And now this morning here I am thinking about it again!

I was in your situation. I believe he is asexual or gay. Regardless I stopped caring and took lovers. Consider it.

I would leave him in your place OP, I couldn’t live like that and I feel that you are wasting your life on this man.

Does he spend time alone in a room with a computer?
If so, he may have a porn addiction which cancels out his need for sex with you.
If not, he may be secretly gay.

If you want a sex life and he doesn't I would be looking at divorce to be honest.
He's not a husband - he's a flatmate.

Please please do not feel shame for wanting to have sex with your husband, it’s a perfectly normal and natural thing to do, nothing shameful. Society in the past has shamed women with awful names in the past for enjoying sex.
I know you insist that your husband is good but I do not agree. You’ve stated a need to him and he ignores the subject and he ignores you. He doesn’t have the balls to even have a proper conversation with you, So I am sorry but he’s not a good husband. I feel you’ve tried to defend him as in your op you said you get affection from your kids. You later add he gives you a peck on the cheek / hug. It’s ok to want too ok stay in your marriage for other reasons but I’m not convinced he even cares about you . Once kids have left home you will be left bitter and angry.

He doesn't spend any time alone with a computer, nor do I think he is gay. Obviously we have had sex many times over the many years we have been together. Just barely at all in recent years.

We aren't just flatmates. That's the issue. I have had flatmates before and they have not been my best mate, co parent or tirelessly loyal to me. Nor have we made vows to one another or brought children in the world who need stability.

You write so well about your situation @Brasshandleand it’s sad that you are in such a dilemma. Hormones do play a huge part in our sex drive, as proven by reduced libidos with the contraceptive pill, menopause etc, so perhaps with time your desire will lessen and hopefully find you both in the same place.
Peri menopause can also be a time when your sex drive goes wild, could this be part of it and the intermittency of your feelings?
I can almost feel in your words what you’re going through and I think sometimes asking others isn’t the answer in this situation as it can confuse you even more, especially when the stakes are high, but I do think it’s good to actually say it out loud and feel validated. Keep writing and lots of love xx

It is clear that you are working hard to convince yourself that it could be ok this way. Making sure all the other things are magnified significantly - like "tirelessly loyal". That is great, but the sooner you realise that one positive attribute does not fill up the void left by something that is missing, the better.. This is the unfortunate truth. This will never be easier for you if it stays like this @Brasshandle

You're not wrong. Some asexual people can have high sex drives. Asexuality is not experiencing sexual attraction, which is a different thing to a sex drive. But some asexuals can obviously have low or no sex drives too.
So your husband could be.

What puzzles me most is OP rightly so posted here to get some support yet mostly disagrees with the 100% of replies that infer this is a dreadful way to live.

Regardless of the positives stated, it stands out how frustrated & upset this makes you OP. You cant convince everyone here your happy within the marriage.Id be giving him a few ultimatums ie sort this out or we are over.

This exactly.

OP I just wish you could make your husband talk about this or at least go to counselling, on your own at first if he initially refuses. It would be better to talk about it outside of the bedroom first and make it clear to him how upset you are and how important it is in a marriage. It is normal for sexual activity to drop off somewhat with small children when you are exhausted but maybe to once a month or so at the least, not once every couple of years if you are lucky. It sounds like your husband wanted children but not a real marriage. The way you've written, he doesn't care if he ever has sex with you again and makes you feel like you're being a pest if you dare to mention it. Maybe you're not like flatmates but more like siblings. Do you really want to live a sexless life now for the rest of your life? Maybe you should ask him if he would mind if you slept with someone else, and if he does mind why when he doesn't want to? You never know, if he gets a bit jealous or insecure at the mere thought it might awaken something in him! As for telling your mother, she may be horrified at the idea of her beautiful daughter being treated this way.

@Bunny65 You sound lovely. Normally when I read threads where women are upset I try to see both sides. This post has not only left me without both sides it's left me with feeling him where it hurts most. This simply because he won't address & at least try to understand why the OP is upset.

Do you think it might bring about the beginning of the end if you broach the subject directly yet gently? I don't think anyone can give you an answer except him, are you scared of what he might say? He has to give you a bit more than sorry I don't want to. If things were the other way round how would he handle it and also how would you? It is abuse to some extent refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

You need to counselling I think he is being selfish not facing upto this.