Husband won't have sex with me

[Brasshandle]

Married to DH for 10 years. I love him, he's pretty good as a dad and we are a good team. We get on well and I enjoy his company. We have never had a wild sexual relationship, and my libido has always been higher than his. But it's now been a year since we last had sex. And before that one time, another year. I think since our youngest was conceived in 2019 we have had sex five times.
Every one of those times came after me repeatedly suggesting it, to the point of almost nagging. I bring up regularly the fact that we never do it, that I think it's unfair and that I wonder if he fancies me. He just shrugs and says he's tired or that we will at some point. We never do.

I don't think I'd ever have an affair, and I don't want to leave him for very many reasons (largely because apart from this one thing it's all good). But I get so frustrated sometimes I could cry. And I just miss something I enjoy a lot. The thought of a sexless life or a pity shag once a year is so sad. It was my birthday last week. Kids away, got all dressed up, and he ended up eating and drinking too much and saying he just wanted to go to sleep.

He isn't massively physically affectionate either, but I get hugs from the kids!

I don't know what advice I want really. I am just feeling sad.

I do think he might be gay. My parents lived without sex for 40 years but it was a mutual decision. My mother had several affairs which played havoc with her mental health. My father spent a lot of time "playing chess' in the park in speedos! She didn't see the signs and he never acknowledged his own tendencies.
It would be better in the long run to part now and give yourself a fighting chance of finding a new life.

Thanks everyone. I really don't know what to do. Last night again was so disappointing in that I'd have loved to have sex - we had time and privacy and no stresses etc But there was no interest from him and I am so mindful not to pester him.

We have talked about it a lot but he brushes it off or says yes let's do it when we have time. I'm pretty sure he isn't gay, and we've never had ED issues or anything like that. On the rare occasions we do it, it's great.

I just feel like my life is going to be frustration, furtive masturbating and annoyance. But I don't want to leave him, nor could I cope with an affair. Are there libido reducing drugs?!

@Brasshandle "libido reducing drugs"? You would rather medically force yourself to be someone you are not, to keep the relationship intact? Please, please try to have more respect for yourself. That is genuinely worrying to read. For the sake of an experiment, throw this idea out to your husband, see what he would respond to that. If he is ok and supports the idea, he does not care about you the way a spouse should. Heck, I don't even know you and I got worried just reading those lines.

One day, years down the line you will probably feel such huge regret for not prioritising yourself once, if you just shrug it off and continue in a sexless marriage where you are not being desired. Because I am sorry to say, you are not. The frustration - the constant frustration - will not do you good mentally or physically either, in the long run. I really don't know how else to phrase this, if you are staying in this setup, you are genuinely wasting your time.

@Brasshandle

You last post was sad to read. Unfortunately I think you have two (or three) choices -

1. Accept it.
2. Tell him that if he doesn't engage in therapy / go to the GP to understand why he is so disinterested in a sexual relationship you will leave (or you could just leave without this step).

I'll have him if you don't want him, he sounds ideal for me!

Mine too. My wife and I were together for eleven years and our sex life was great at the start but gradually petered out over the years. She said she just wasn’t interested in sex but everything else was good. I desperately missed the intimacy and emotional connection that goes with sex, and then last summer she had an affair with a recently married man from work which she said was mostly about the sex for her. As you might guess, that destroyed everything.

Your last comment made me so sad for you. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s normal to want to have sex with your partner. It’s the intimacy and affection as well. He sounds neglectful if he can see you making the effort and ignoring you, at the moment you don’t need to know the reasons. But you do need to communicate that a sexless relationship is not what you want. Staying married and sexless would be a like a life sentence. I hope that you can open the door to communication here - it will be telling if he makes the effort or pushes you further away and then you have your answer. Marriage is the promise of many things and loving and cherishing means sex and showing your partner love. Good luck, don’t give up on yourself, you deserve to be happy. I can read you are so conflicted as you love him but cannot carry on like this, it’s sheer torment.

I've been there, and it's absolutely soul-destroying. My abusive exH was using it as a means of control, to get at me. He admitted as much. He blamed my weight no matter what size I was. I remained faithful but he left me anyway and now I wish I hadn't wasted those good years. It is the HEIGHT of unfairness to make sure that you can't sleep with anyone else in the world (by marrying them) and then not sleep with them yourself. That is, if it goes on long-term and there is no illness. It's an insanely cruel thing to do because it cuts the person off from intimacy, touch, romance, and passion. I felt like I existed in a bleak, quiet vaccum all those years, behind a Perspex glass, watching everyone else have those things when I had been completely cut off from them and there was no way to get them. This experience has made me vow never to put my well-being in someone's hands like that again, and is a major part of why I'll never marry or live with anyone again.

A friend of mine has had excellent luck on Ashley Madison. She says there's lots of like-minded people on there in the same bind. You do have to sift through a lot, but she's come alive since being on there. Lots of single and separated people, apparently.

After I finally began dating again two years after my husband left, I felt like a desert being watered for the first time. The men I met - and I also had to really search a lot of profiles - brought me back to life again. I had felt so undesirable, so unfeminine, so humiliated. I still struggle with those feelings.

No wonder a lack of sex is grounds for divorce.

Anyway OP, you do not have to live like this. If your husband doesn't want sex, that's his business and his right, but he has no right to impose that on you. He should let you go or open the marriage. If I were you, I'd find myself a gorgeous man on Ashley Madison as the first order of business to keep you going, and then I'd be making plans to leave. Sex once a year since 2019? Is he having a laugh? Assuming he's not ill, he deserves everything he gets.

God, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 💐

My ex was like this and it was awful - he put on weight and was not interested in sex at all. It was very upsetting for me as I felt totally rejected and when I tried to discuss it we ended up arguing or I would be crying feeling awful about myself like I was totally unattractive and disgusting. We broke up eventually - not just because of this but it was definitely a contributing factor.

I am now happily married to a man who I regularly have sex with and feel wanted and desired by.

Don’t waste your life with someone who makes you feel crap about yourself. Unless he is willing to discuss in therapy, communicate with you and work through whatever is causing his lack of desire for sex then you will never feel fulfilled in your relationship.

Have you asked him if you can get sex elsewhere? Not an affair, not an open relationship as such. Back in DP and Is "swinging days".pre kids. There were a few women who were allowed to have sex with others either with their husbands active involvement in agreeing to a specific person. Or just agreeing ground rules like no one under 40, no one local, no multiple meets, not at his house, not at our house etc

If its not something he wants or needs, but must know and accept its something you want and need. Surely he can allow you to have that need met. I can't imagine refusing to allow my DP having his needs met if I decide I no longer want to meet them.

If its something you could see yourself trying then could you try to bring it up not at bedtime and just explain, I have this need, you know I do, you clearly don't have this need and don't want to fulfill mine. We have had many conversations about this, you promise chance, it never comes. We have had sex 5 times in 7 years. I cannot bear to live like this. Please don't promise me more change when you and I both know its an empty promise. I'd like you to think about the possibility of me finding other people to have sex with, I am open to any kind of "rule" you'd put on that, I don't want a relationship with those people, I love you and I don't want to divorce. But I cannot have a sexless life and its unfair for you to make me.

Simply put: no one has an automatic right to sex, and no one should pressure another person into it.

Sexual activity should only happen when all people involved freely and genuinely consent.

Respecting another person’s autonomy and dignity is a basic moral obligation. Ignoring that by acting entitled to someone’s body or by pressuring them into sex is not just wrong in principle but reflects a failure to respect the fundamental rights and humanity of others.

This is true, but you'd be amazed at the amount of married people who don't want to have sex with their spouse long-term, through choice not illness, whilst also not wanting them to have sex with anyone else.

The issue isn't about owing sex or pressuring to have sex. Nobody should ever have sex that they don't want. The issue is, if you don't want it, long-term, as a choice, is it fair to impose a long-term sexless life on your spouse?

Refuse your spouse, by all means. But open the marriage or set them free if they don't want the same.

This is about selfishness and in some cases, control and abuse. Withholding intimacy, touch, affection, and romance is a primary way that some emotionally abusive spouses torture their other half.

Our discussion is about these issues, not about making someone who doesn't want to have sex do it.

The tiredness thing could be very real. Get him to have some blood work to check iron and folate and Vitamin D. Kids can also be bloomin' exhausting so it's not a surprise if he's feeling tired and not in the mood.

Switching to morning snuggles rather than late nights might help.

You need to find out why he doesn't want sex with you.
He could be having an affair.
He could have developed a porn addiction - that can lead to erectile dysfunction or he may just prefer doing it on his own...
He may have a physical problem he doesn't want to talk about.
He may be depressed.
He may have a very low sex drive - not sure how common that is - I'd be suspicious.

I'm a 62 year old female who no longer wants sex but for which I can't put an exact reason as to why. I'm in the process of gaining the strength to let DH go, but when trying that previously his MH took a turn for the worse. He wants to stay married but have sex 2 - 3 times a week to feel close. I simply can't do it despite 30 years of marriage. It's a hard no.

It's been once a year for five years...sounds like he'd need a bomb under him to make any changes now. Also, OP, like all spouses in this situation, what you want is for him to WANT to have sex with you, right? And that's not something we can create, sadly.

Your options are:
Break up
Have an affair
Put up with it

You say that you don't want to leave him or have an affair, so you'll just have to put up with it.

I suppose many people in the past were in similar positions at a time when it was very hard to divorce. I'm guessing that a lot of people had to simply make peace with living the rest of their lives without a sex life and feeling unwanted, and having no touch. It's possible to live like that, of course. Not great, but possible. OP, if you decide to wave goodbye to partnered sex forever, as it seems that that's your decision, I recommend you get yourself a really, really good vibrator.

There is another option...he lets you date and sleep with others. Let me guess, he'd be outraged at that suggestion. Doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you.

I'd be surprised if he'll agree to medical tests. He sounds happy with the status quo, and who cares about the effect on OP, right?

Also OP, do remember that HE could have an affair and leave you for someone else. Or just leave you, like mind did. Be aware that in putting up with the situation, there's a definite possibility that you are trading your current youth for a prize (a lifelong partnership and a forever-intact family) that might disappear. Have a think about how you'd feel if you decided to accept no sex, and then ten years down the line, it busts up anyway. No family togetherness, no enjoyment of grandchildren together, and you'd have sacrificed your best years.

Putting up with this situation is a big sacrifice. You can't get your younger, healthier years back. It's OK to make that sacrifice, but be aware that you are making it.

Well, OP, you can do two things: either accept it or leave. I doubt it would change. He could either have a genuinely low sex drive, or some kind of a health issue, etc. Or he simply stopped fancying you. Who knows.

I was married to someone who stopped sleeping with me, and would not tell me why. He would just say he is not in the mood, etc... In the end, he had an affair and it all came out with all the terrible arguments, shouting etc. Apparently I was too old and too fat.

Just to give perspective from another side. Perimenopause had impacted my libido until HRT mainly because it felt so exhausting to just get through the day. While HRT has helped, our relationship feels so much stronger mainly because we have both started talking more to each other as opposed to just the day to day chat sorting things at home etc. Talking about real stuff and really trying to understand each other. I think it’s easy to fall into certain patterns where one of you says/does something, the other reacts in a certain way and there’s annoyances on both sides or a feeling of just not being understood or alternatively no one talks about the elephant in the room or skirts around it. So maybe focus on communicating with each more meaningful. I apologise if that’s not something that you feel is an issue but I offer the thought based on my experience in case it might of help. Good luck.

Wait, did you ever find out why he’d gone off sex before your affair? What changed that allowed you to get back to it?

Not telling you why is so cruel. Just leaving you to twist in the wind and then having an affair. Jesus. There are ways to handle this. If he had really stopped fancying you, he could have let you go honorably and treated you fairly in a divorce. Not put you through a guessing game and then betrayed you. What a shallow, shallow git. You're best off without him. The trash took itself out!

Ha! The knowledge that she wouldn't put up with his nonsense indefinitely, I imagine.

If sex is a "hard no" and he wants it 2-3 times a week, and neither of you want to break up, would you be OK with letting him date and sleep with others?

There is something very key @FloofBunny highlighted above - that you'd want someone who WANTS to have sex with you, doesn't just do it so you stop nagging/to keep you happy, etc. And that is either there or it isn't.

TBH I don't know, I have thought about it but not had that discussion.