Husband won't have sex with me

[Brasshandle]

Married to DH for 10 years. I love him, he's pretty good as a dad and we are a good team. We get on well and I enjoy his company. We have never had a wild sexual relationship, and my libido has always been higher than his. But it's now been a year since we last had sex. And before that one time, another year. I think since our youngest was conceived in 2019 we have had sex five times.
Every one of those times came after me repeatedly suggesting it, to the point of almost nagging. I bring up regularly the fact that we never do it, that I think it's unfair and that I wonder if he fancies me. He just shrugs and says he's tired or that we will at some point. We never do.

I don't think I'd ever have an affair, and I don't want to leave him for very many reasons (largely because apart from this one thing it's all good). But I get so frustrated sometimes I could cry. And I just miss something I enjoy a lot. The thought of a sexless life or a pity shag once a year is so sad. It was my birthday last week. Kids away, got all dressed up, and he ended up eating and drinking too much and saying he just wanted to go to sleep.

He isn't massively physically affectionate either, but I get hugs from the kids!

I don't know what advice I want really. I am just feeling sad.

Yes exactly that, feeling wanted and desired. Not chasing someone and feeling like you are being accommodated and not wanted. And the waiting another year :(

Yes. And as hard as it is to break up, I feel that that's the healthier option than being romantically handcuffed to someone who doesn't want you.

Simply put: no one has the right to withhold sex from their spouse, and compel their spouse to remain married to them.

My DP is the same, can never give a real reason. He says he has a low sex drive but will still masturbate a few times a week. He has (diagnosed) depression and PTSD. Is there anyone here who has experienced this in a partner, eg the masturbation but not sex. Or is there anyone who doesn't want sex due to MH, but will still masturbate?

If sex is a hard no from you, then it's really him who has to decide if he can be OK with that or if he'd rather take a risk and strike out for pastures new. We are all responsible for our own lives, and he has options. (Accept the situation or break up.)

Speak to him seriously about your having an open relationship.

Don't want to hurt your feelings here, but that is just not how it works. He has a form of a drive, certainly strong enough to make him want to relieve himself by masturbating. So, if we are honest with ourselves, he doesn't want sex with you, specifically. Maybe he jumbled his wires a bit by watching porn too much, maybe normal sex is just not doing it for him because of whatever he got into watching. There are many potential answers, but are you putting up with this? Happy to live with someone like this, not being desired?

I could not do a sexless marriage, I did in the past with my ExH when I found out he was having an affair but still wanted sex with me. I went 5 years no sex but it was easy as I didn’t desire him and was planning my exit.

My partner of 6 years and I usually have sex 3 times a week but we are both really affectionate with each other. 2 weeks ago I had a medical emergency and subsequent surgery and my partner cuddled and kissed me a lot in a non sexual way, he was also asking the doctors to take care of me as I was in considerable pain. That’s the whole package for me - sex, love and care. He saw me when I was humbled by illness and really vulnerable and made me feel
emotionally and physically safe and cherished.

I don't think it's even possible to compel someone to remain married to them. You can divorce someone without their consent. But it would be a bit rich to make a fuss about it and not treat the sexually rejected spouse fairly in a split. I also think spouses have a nerve not to open the marriage if they don't want their spouse. Divorce can take a while. It's like treating your spouse as an object, a toy.

"I don't want this toy; it doesn't please me anymore, but I don't want anyone else to have it either. Since it doesn't have feelings or needs, I'll just put it up on the shelf where no one else can touch it but it can see everyone else playing with their favourite toy. It will just have to get used to the fact that no one will ever play with it again!"

😡😡😡

It's fine not to want sex with your spouse. But for the love of God, let them go or open the marriage.

no one has to stay married they can willingly separate

Well, we know that.

And most people will/would separate if the person they are married to isn’t sexuality attracted to them.

Dear OP, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. A year is a long time but I wonder: Are the kids very demanding still? Maybe not in the same way as toddlers, but depending on how many you have and what the need and what clubs they do and when they go to bed it must be really hard to relax and focus on each other.

Our DD is 3 and loving her and caring for her is really all consuming still. We don't have any family help nearby, and when we do it is because my dear mum has come to stay with us (so she's sleeping in the next room)! Even on holiday, when we used to see the endless warm days as something of a sex marathon, now there is always our DD and at night, she's in the same room with us (which I know doesn't phase a lot of parents, but I'm not comfortable with it) so our opportunities are low.
And I would like more sex, but I'm mindful that I'm not in a sexy stage of my life right now. I'm tired, I'm irritable, DD was a hopeless sleeper so I'm very mindful of anything waking her, and DP is also tired, and worn out! We're just not that sexy right now! 😂
I do hope we will find our way back as DD gets older and the intensity of parenting shifts from things like checking if DD needs a wee before dinner!

I disagree with a previous reply to this comment. I think, particularly if you're depressed, you can have a sex drive but perhaps not the capacity to negotiate someone else's wants - even if you adore them. Masturbation is entirely on your terms. You can start when you want, stop when you want, if it works: great, if you can't get there: no one is disappointed. You don't have to fear rejection or worry about saying/doing the wrong thing.
In the months postpartum, I felt like this. I wanted to get to know my body again without worrying about anyone else, or experiencing anyone else. I can understand how a partner might feel excluded, but truly in my experience it wasn't about DP, it was about me and my body.

some seem to be using that point as an argument of some sorts

Remind him of his conjugal duties. It's your right!

Tell him if things don't improve you are thinking about protesting and are going to stage a sit in... on his face.

You’re also making an argument of some sorts [sic]. No one is saying anyone is entitled to sex, or should be forced to have sex against their will.

Yes, I am.

🏆

For goodness sake don’t think about taking libido lowering drugs to suit him. Even if he doesn’t want full sex he could still make an effort for you, this situation sounds dreadful. You’re not pestering him to want sex more than once a year. It’s completely normal to want a reasonable love life with your partner. It’s cruel of him to fob you off and shows total lack of interest in your needs and feelings. You really need to sit him down outside of the bedroom and tell him you can’t live a sexless life and perhaps you should split if that’s what he wants.

What was your sex life in the early days, and before you had children? Was there an obvious change anywhere along the line or a downturn?

Is he happy in his work, any extended family problems? It sounds like he's putting it off - when we have time, then it doesn't happen. I know you say you have a higher sex drive than him but if his is none existent that doesn't make yours higher if it's not happening anyway. Do you sense that he's not being open & honest?

There will certainly be drugs that can lower your libido as that is a side effect of many drugs. However this is a crazy suggestion.

I will reiterate my warning. Men who exhibit this behaviour still have affairs.

The situation won’t change.

You know that you are goign to feel bitter and cheated over the sexless life so you need to decide: either you accept that situation or you leave him.

Can he be prescribed testosterone to increase his sex drive?

You can lead a horse to testosterone...

Thanks everyone. Part of the difficulty is that I don't want an open relationship or an affair. I want to be with DH only, as a pair, forever. And yet there is a bit missing that he can't/won't provide which is so frustrating.

Leaving him, or breaking my marriage vows even, over sex just seems so selfish and superficial. It's not like he is violent or anything. It's not a big enough reason in my book. But on the other hand it does rob me not only of something I enjoy but sometimes really feel like I need. Not just the physical pleasure (which frankly I can provide much of myself) but the feeling of being desired and 'taken' etc.

I will ponder everyone's responses. Thank you.

@Brasshandle have you ever considered that your husband not being honest with you and fobbing you off is abusive, even if he means to be or not. Your are really, really unhappy and all he seems to do on a rare child free night is over eat and sleep? An open marriage would not be for me either and I can see how much you love your husband but I think it’s a case you love him more than he does you by the lack of effort. He thinks you will carry on accepting it quietly. So he won’t change.

Yes I think you're right that he's unlikely to change. He was never particularly sexual even when we first got together. He just seems not to feel the urge. Whereas I feel it for both of us!

But I wouldn't call it abuse. I honestly think he doesn't grasp its importance to me. I have explained it but I can see that he doesn't get it. Sometimes it feels as uncomfortable as being thirsty, whereas I think he just thinks horniness is all a bit funny and made up. I can understand that from someone who never feels it themselves. I just wish he did!