Husband won't have sex with me

[Brasshandle]

Married to DH for 10 years. I love him, he's pretty good as a dad and we are a good team. We get on well and I enjoy his company. We have never had a wild sexual relationship, and my libido has always been higher than his. But it's now been a year since we last had sex. And before that one time, another year. I think since our youngest was conceived in 2019 we have had sex five times.
Every one of those times came after me repeatedly suggesting it, to the point of almost nagging. I bring up regularly the fact that we never do it, that I think it's unfair and that I wonder if he fancies me. He just shrugs and says he's tired or that we will at some point. We never do.

I don't think I'd ever have an affair, and I don't want to leave him for very many reasons (largely because apart from this one thing it's all good). But I get so frustrated sometimes I could cry. And I just miss something I enjoy a lot. The thought of a sexless life or a pity shag once a year is so sad. It was my birthday last week. Kids away, got all dressed up, and he ended up eating and drinking too much and saying he just wanted to go to sleep.

He isn't massively physically affectionate either, but I get hugs from the kids!

I don't know what advice I want really. I am just feeling sad.

He could be asexual… maybe that’s worth exploring. At least you will have an answer. I feel he ignores you though and he’s not being transparent and it’s causing you a lot of pain. He’s choosing to ignore your feelings and that’s incredibly cruel when you love him so much. I do think this will eventually make you bitter and you will regret wasting your good years on someone that cannot be honest with you. I do get where you are coming from, you have young dc. I left when mine were a bit easier to manage. It’s been worth it for me. I really wish you well and I realise a lot of this thread must be really difficult to read but I hope you know you are not alone and hopefully you can use this thread as a safe place to share your feelings.

Can I clarify, are you suggesting that any spouse who for whatever reason cannot be honest and fobs the other off about sex is being abusive? Or only a husband who does this to his wife?

Both. And I am saying it could be deemed abusive. Can you not see how conflicted the op is? If you read further in I have said he maybe asexual.

Couples counseling will give you an idea if there is a path back to intimacy. You have massive inertia but sometimes there really is greener grass. I couldn't live with a partner who behaves like a room mate.

@Brasshandle has he had his testosterone checked? There'd be no harm in having a full hormone panel done, and it's a normal check for both men & women to get.

I think a lot of replies (mine included TBF) are a little disbelieving of the fact he feels little - no sexual desire.

But if that is the case, there's usually an underlying cause for that too. How is his health in general? Is he fit, does he sleep enough, has he had any health problems that could impact?

Whether OP's husband is asexual, gay, has medical issues or some twisted explanation around masturbating to porn every chance he gets, at the end of the day it is crucial how he views the situation to begin with. Nothing suggests that he is on any level annoyed or unhappy about their non-existent sex life. Happy to be corrected about it, but my takeaway is "meh, we'll do it at one point, or <shrug>, too tired, can't be bothered".

And that is a two-fold problem: 1) He is the only one who can take any decisive action. @Brasshandle can suggest things, we can try to diagnose through an anonymous message board all day long, but if the guy is comfy like this, nobody can action change from the outside for him. He should want some form of a solution. 2) Take the physical aspect out - what does that say about the relationship that he cannot be bothered to attempt to look into why this is the case, not trying things to see if anything would change. Day in an day out, he knows the unhappiness this whole thing causes to his wife, and he's just fine. I would not want to be with someone who cares so little about my feelings.

There is of course the asexual view, or that he's just naturally not into sex AT ALL - no matter how foreign of a concept that is to me, it is possible. But in that case, there is really no point for people who have such distinctly different needs in a relationship to be or stay together. Let's be adults about it. It is like trying to mix water with oil. Just because you want to, doesn't mean it will work. And that, is not the oil's fault, or the water's.

OP it is not superficial or selfish to expect your husband to consider your sexual needs, some would say it is the glue that holds a marriage together and an integral part. You are still young. Your husband sounds as if he just doesn’t care. And you obviously didn’t marry him thinking it would be like this.

But compared to all the other things I think it is superficial. Imagine telling my mum why I had left him!
There are many things that bind us. That's why I won't just have an affair to scratch the itch. DH cares about me in every other way. My sexual self is part of me, and sometimes an annoyingly powerful part. But it surely can't dictate my future. I got married to him knowing that we were compatible in many ways but not this one. I guess I put it out of my mind. But now I am going out of my mind!

I am also torn because whilst I am upset and sometimes annoyed by DH in this regard, at the end of the day it is his body and his choice just like it would be mine if our roles were reversed. Maybe I would put out for his sake in that scenario but I don't know that I would or why he won't for me.

Recently I have been trying to carve out more time just for me, away from DCs and work. I genuinely think that sexual self care is as important as all the other kinds and that is part of it, and is helping to some degree. It reaffirms my self-confidence as well as giving me time to enjoy myself and relieve my urges. But I would love to share it with him and sometimes do feel guilty afterwards.

OP you must do what you feel is best but if it wasn’t important you wouldn’t have posted here. Your mother’s opinion isn’t really the point, it’s your life, not hers. And she probably knows more than you think. I don’t really see how a sexless and unaffectionate marriage can be considered a superficial concern. At the very least I would consider some counselling for yourself to work through the issues. Even asexual people can enjoy kissing but your husband doesn’t even want to do that. Your children will grow up and you’ll be stuck with him. You say you don’t want an affair but at some point an affair might find you anyway.

@Brasshandle Please read the comment I've linked to. It's from a man, and sure his situation is different to yours (all marriages differ) but note the desperation in his words, and the utter misery and lack of hope:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5314079-sexless-marriages-support-thread?reply=146043666&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

It's not unaffectionate. I get hugs and kisses (pecks not songs) as well as non-physical affection. I just don't get sexual activity of any kind.

The point about my mum was an extreme one but it was to illustrate the difficulty i have. People say 'leave him' but I just don't think I could tell people why I had left him without feeling deeply ashamed that my sexual needs had overriden everything else.

I know that I am talking myself out of every available option and just whining about it. Sorry.

@Brasshandle "I know that I am talking myself out of every available option and just whining about it. Sorry."

It's not whining. You're deeply unhappy and are expressing it. No need to be sorry.

I think it’s clear that your decision is that you’re just going to come to terms with your marriage being sexless and look for ways where you can help yourself feel more fulfilled and be at peace. If you feel that’s the right decision for you, then that’s perfectly okay. Maybe it will stay that way; maybe you’ll begin to change your mind. You don’t have to make one final decision and stick with it. I think you might still benefit from some couples counselling so you can communicate to your DH exactly how it makes you feel, and the emotional repercussions for you; that you aren’t “just” horny, that his behaviour makes you doubt your attractiveness and feel empty and unwanted. He has the right to not want sex, but not the right to ignore the impact of that on the marriage he chose to get into.

As an aside, if anyone ever says something like “you’d be really selfish / silly to break up over something as unimportant in the grand scheme of things as sex” you can ask them how they feel about their partner having sex with other people. Dollars to donuts they will say they’d be devastated. Sex is important, and they know sex is important, despite calling it a superficial thing, because if it wasn’t and they didn’t they wouldn’t have any problem at all with their partner doing this small and really unimportant thing with other people.

There is nothing to be sorry for @Brasshandle . But I encourage you to take your time and deeply analyse what you yourself said above:
" I know that I am talking myself out of every available option and just whining about it." No, you are not whining, it's your unsatisfactory love life, a starvation for intimacy just pouring out of you.
You poured your heart out, and when you are facing the very uncomfortable reality of the situation in the form of the comments, you start making excuses for him, or minimise the impact of his lack of desire has on you. There is no need, you are safe - and strictly speaking, we are just a group of people on the internet.

The tragedy is what you put into words above - You talk yourself out of every option. Is that a solution, truly? To just make yourself occupied, and lower your own standards to that level? Changing this will take bravery and it is of course not comfortable, but to leave it as is just doing you a disservice. Trust me when I say this - Carrying on like this, trying make yourself be ok with this will only bring you deep resentment and a regret an older you will never not feel. Not only will you regret all those wasted years, you will be upset with yourself for not changing things while you had the time. Now is a chance for you, when you actually can. Without wasting more years, decades.

I think you are just scared which is very understandable, But you should not feel ashamed of having sexual needs, especially as a young woman in a marriage, and I’m sure you didn’t expect it to get this bad even if you knew his libido was lower than yours. In some religions it is even considered a husband’s duty to satisfy his wife so please don’t minimise your distress. You may not be ready to break up but your husband needs to treat your feelings with more respect. If he can’t or won’t, what does that say about him?

@Brasshandle you would not owe anyone an explaination as to the reason, if you ever call time on your marriage. A simple “ we weren’t compatible anymore” would suffice. They are not the ones in a series marriage so it’s not of their business.

Oh I don't know. It's not that intimacy is lacking, it's that one particular type of intimacy is lacking.

I don't know if I might feel better if he could make me feel more desired in other ways. I could try that. It's a complicated thing. Yes I miss the physical act but there is a mental side to it. I know I'm not unattractive. I take care of myself. Part of the annoyance is that I really do and I wonder if he even notices. The painted nails and hair removal and perfume. Partly for me but also for him, and I wonder if him even noticing would help, even if he doesn't shag me.

I am better than my biological urges so just can't in all conscience right now end an otherwise successful and loving marriage, and a family, because of them. Especially since a lot of the time it's alright. It's just sometimes it's not.

.

@Brasshandle The amount of vitamin C you need to consume is tiny.

If you have no vitamin C in your diet, you become ill, then you die.

This is a very well thought out post and worth thinking about all of the points made.

I think the sex is deeply linked to intimacy. Ask yourself. What do you do that’s non sexual and intimate with your husband? What makes you feel close and loved? It could be long deep talks, holding hands, being told you are loved? Are there little thoughtful gifts like flowers or your favourite sweet treat just because he thought of you? You don’t have to answer but think about that and how you can feel intimate with your husband without sex . It’s not just sex as you put it, it’s about trusting your partner and vice versa and bonding and that feeling of lingering closeness afterwards.

It's very difficult to imagine what the reality of separating would be like. But, who do you imagine needing to tell? Do you have divorced friends who confided extensive details of their own circumstances to you when they separated?

Even if you're close to your mum, you absolutely don't need to tell her any more intimate details than you're comfortable with. Make something up, if you need to.

You have given things a damn good shot. You're not just walking out for no reason after a few short months or years. You don't need to justify yourself to anybody.

But of course it's hard not to think of the separate Christmases, separate tables at the kids' weddings, step-parents, step-siblings, financial and logistical challenges.

Individual counselling is what you need. It would really help you put your experience and your fears into perspective and ultimately help you give yourself permission to put yourself first.

Sorry @Brasshandle , this is not a successful marriage, because physical side is part of any marriage. Successful marriages either have two spouses who both don't want sex, or both of them wanting to have sex, and in return, having sex. Varying sex drives are one thing, yours is incompatible. And you are minimising this need you have now, just to convince yourself that it's just something you can put on a shelf. Listen to what you are saying - maybe he could notice your nails and perfume? You are forcing your head in the sand. Sex is not just some animalistic urge.

I was in this situation with my ex. It doesn't ever get better. Accept that or leave - only options. Don't underestimate the devastation this will wreak on your self-esteem and relationship.

OP, just go on the Pill. Kills your sex drive stone-dead, and also helps protect you against ovarian cancer. Win-win.