Husband won't have sex with me

[Brasshandle]

Married to DH for 10 years. I love him, he's pretty good as a dad and we are a good team. We get on well and I enjoy his company. We have never had a wild sexual relationship, and my libido has always been higher than his. But it's now been a year since we last had sex. And before that one time, another year. I think since our youngest was conceived in 2019 we have had sex five times.
Every one of those times came after me repeatedly suggesting it, to the point of almost nagging. I bring up regularly the fact that we never do it, that I think it's unfair and that I wonder if he fancies me. He just shrugs and says he's tired or that we will at some point. We never do.

I don't think I'd ever have an affair, and I don't want to leave him for very many reasons (largely because apart from this one thing it's all good). But I get so frustrated sometimes I could cry. And I just miss something I enjoy a lot. The thought of a sexless life or a pity shag once a year is so sad. It was my birthday last week. Kids away, got all dressed up, and he ended up eating and drinking too much and saying he just wanted to go to sleep.

He isn't massively physically affectionate either, but I get hugs from the kids!

I don't know what advice I want really. I am just feeling sad.

Why not arrange for the kids to go for a sleepover one night and tell him in advance you want to have a proper, open discussion about your marriage and intimacy. Then he won't be taken by surprise and has time to think about what to say etc.

Tell him you miss it (and him), you feel like your connection is lacking, your self esteem is suffering. And ask him straight out why he doesn't want it. Then sit and wait - don't accept "I don't know" or empty promises. Ask him if he'd be happy for you to go outside the marriage if he genuinely isn't interested anymore (he may say yes!). But the idea is to leave that discussion with a clear picture of things so you can decide if you're accepting a life of celibacy, or taking action. Don't be fobbed off anymore.

Good luck.

I don't want an open marriage. I don't want him to say 'Go ahead and shag other people!' If anything that might make things worse! I want a proper, sexual, marriage.

There are so many sex pest men who think with their cocks instead of their brains. Why can't my DH take a teeny bit off all of them for himself so that they all calm down and he gets the normal amount of urge!

I have nothing to add OP except I just want to say I could have written every single thing you've said for myself.

The sex less marriage thread that has been linked above is really informative.

I've posted on there under a different username.

I have to say it is refreshing to see a thread that isn't full of posters saying "I wish my husband was like that!" which I've seen time and time again. Helpful much?!

No words of wisdom but thank you for posting and I think the support on this thread is simply wonderful 💐

This last one was the most pure, honest and vulnerable reaction out of all the prior comments, @Brasshandle . Well done. Not making excuses for him, not pondering some radical solution of how to suppress something in you that is very much natural and part of who you are as a person... Well done - I mean this.
"I want a proper, sexual, marriage." You will not have that with him, unfortunately. And it's not ok. Please, look after yourself today, and do the right thing, so the future you doesn't have to live with regret and resentment.

I feel all your pain and it contributed to my having a huge psychotic breakdown. ive experienced a lot of the sex pest sort and it made me tihnk exactly what you are thinking.

in Christianity - both my DH and I are Christians - there is a strong obligation for couples to not withhold sex from each other and for a man to give pleasure to his wife -

Sex toys ?

He's most probably gay.

You'll have to talk to him or you'll just drive yourself further into a pit of despair and make yourself ill. It might feel uncomfortable but so is the not knowing. Sex once a year isn't normal unless there's something wrong.

I think you need to find out once and for all what you’re dealing with and why he’s choosing not to have sex with you.

I agree with PP that getting the children to GP for a weekend if possible and giving yourselves time and space to talk about it is a good option. Sometimes getting out of the home into a neutral place helps this. You could either book a hotel room and be clear that a conversation needs to be had before you leave the room or drive out to the country and go on a long walk together.

Then I’d tell him you need some answers as to why he only wants sex once a year. And that you’re not taking tiredness as an adequate answer. Tell him you won’t accept being fobbed off and you need to know what you’re dealing with so you can make a decision based on the real facts.

An explanation would be nice but I don't even think he knows. And if we booked a weekend away with no kids there would be pressure and any sex we did have would probably be under duress.
This week has been tougher than normal for some reason (not helped by it being ovulation time), probably the reason for this post in the first place. Last night in bed I got a bit annoyed because, again, I said that we could have sex and again he said he didn't want to. I said it wasn't fair and that I shouldn't have to lock myself away in the bathroom for a wank every few days just to make myself feel better when he could help. He just said he was sorry but didn't want to. I honestly have no idea what is going on in his head.

It really isn’t good enough for him to say “I don’t want to” as an explanation. He seems to be making you feel that you’re being unreasonable. You have been in this dysfunctional situation for so long that you have lost sight of what a healthy relationship feels like. You need to tell him that his attitude is threatening your marriage to jolt him out of his complacency that he can just fob you off. You are living like housemates, not a young married couple. You are deeply unhappy and that should be a concern for him. If he is never going to want to have sex or even explain why you need to face up to it. Every time he rejects you a little more of you is chipped away.

Did you not ask him why though?
He has clearly said he doesn’t want which is very sad for you. But why can he not tell you why? Why is communication so closed?
I don’t think this is salvageable if it’s come to this point.

"Let's have sex"
"Sorry but I don't want to"
"I'm leaving you"
"Why?"
"Sorry but I don't want to stay married to you"

Done and dusted.

@moderate . What the hell? I fully, and completely agree with you. The world seems to be ending, if we have come to this...

Why don't you try intimacy but take sex off the table, tell him its off the table, give him a massage, have him give you a massage, glass of wine if you drink good film, cuddle up on the sofa.......but no sex. A date of it one of month, see how it goes. I know as a woman being asked for sex a lot isn't a turn on but when the pressure is taken off, it helps get me in the mood.

I think it’s gone way past this kind of rebuilding. He’s doesn’t seem to want to talk or try.

Well you tried again and got the same reply so maybe it's time to probe instead of accepting the nothingness he's giving you. Instead of accepting "I don't want to, sorry" say to him gently "can you tell me a bit more about it" and see what he says. He has 2 options - he either clams up or he shares something with you for you to build on. He might have an issue that he's embarrassed about and is burying his head in the sand. How old is he? Do you think he's depressed? Is there any other aspect of your relationship where he replies the same 'I don't want to, I'm sorry'- is that something he says to you or others in your family/friends circle?

Do you ever notice him disappearing to the bathroom? Do you see him get out of bed in the morning & notice 'morning wood' as they call it (erection)? Does he do any gaming/is he online a lot? I'm just thinking of other posters that have had similar issues in the past.

The trouble is, OP does want to stay married to him. She’s come here to vent, not look for solutions.

One more suggestion, then, @Brasshandle: tell him you want to see a marriage counsellor. At worst, this has the effect of communicating to him how serious this is for you. At best, the marriage counsellor helps you both understand why it’s happening and what to do about it.

(To avoid the world ending, I found a way to disagree with myself again 😉)

The most hurtful thing is that he won’t be honest with you. That’s why I’d leave.

Save yourself. He can’t even tell you the truth. Good luck to you x x x

Tell him you have three choices:

1. you go and spend some money in Ann Summers
2. You find a FWB
3. You end the marriage

So last night after he said, I'm sorry but I don't want to, what was said/happened then?

I also don't feel that it's an option for him to make that the end of the conversation. He either doesn't realise how seriously this is affecting the prospects of staying married to you, or he doesn't care. You need to be sure which it is, before you can decide what you're doing going forwards.

I completely understand not wanting to open the relationship, it's a massive gamble and your communication skills just aren't there currently in order to cope with the admin/any emotional outfall.

I think your only option is to address it, not in bed, but fully clothed at a time when you've got time to talk and listen, and not be annoyed, remain calm and curious. Although I completely hear how frustrated you are and that's totally understandable.

This thread has opened my eyes to something I didn't realise was so common at least according to the posts here. DH & I have been married for 3 heading towards 4 decades & we remain very passionate & physical. I'm sure things may become less so at some point but no signs yet. I'm so sorry this is happening to those who are in happy marriages but with a libido that doesn't match with their spouse. It must be extremely frustrating & hats off for tolerating it if both healthy.

OP,is there a possibility your DH has never been turned on by women in general. It's just a suggestion but possibly worth considering amongst all the other possible reasons.

Would he consider helping you to pleasure yourself?
If he jumps at the idea of helping you to get off, you may have a decent shot at remodelling the relationship to suit both of you better.
If he seems disgusted, I'm sorry but (this is the voice of experience) it's dead in the water unless you are happy to live as roomies.

I have been encouraged to give an update on this thread. So here it is

We have not had sex.