Husband won't have sex with me

[Brasshandle]

Married to DH for 10 years. I love him, he's pretty good as a dad and we are a good team. We get on well and I enjoy his company. We have never had a wild sexual relationship, and my libido has always been higher than his. But it's now been a year since we last had sex. And before that one time, another year. I think since our youngest was conceived in 2019 we have had sex five times.
Every one of those times came after me repeatedly suggesting it, to the point of almost nagging. I bring up regularly the fact that we never do it, that I think it's unfair and that I wonder if he fancies me. He just shrugs and says he's tired or that we will at some point. We never do.

I don't think I'd ever have an affair, and I don't want to leave him for very many reasons (largely because apart from this one thing it's all good). But I get so frustrated sometimes I could cry. And I just miss something I enjoy a lot. The thought of a sexless life or a pity shag once a year is so sad. It was my birthday last week. Kids away, got all dressed up, and he ended up eating and drinking too much and saying he just wanted to go to sleep.

He isn't massively physically affectionate either, but I get hugs from the kids!

I don't know what advice I want really. I am just feeling sad.

I left my marriage for this reason (and some other reasons but I could have worked on them whereas this killed everything that makes a marriage a marriage).

Id encourage you to believe the behaviour and not any spin he gives you. Mine could never give me a reason, I suspect he plain didn’t fancy me but didn’t want the hassle of admitting it and the inevitable fallout. For him I think it was worth an uncomfortable conversation every few months rather than admitting the reality of the situation or taking steps to work together to change.

I tried everything, and ultimately it wasn’t me, it was him. You can really wound yourself and your self worth trying to bend yourself every which way to understand why they don’t want you. It’s a terrible place to be, I found it really isolating as I felt so embarrassed that I didn’t confide in anyone. Even now, very few people know the real reason for our divorce.

Im guessing hes also one of those men who not only expected you to lose the baby weight straight away but is also one of those men who wouldnt take over the parenting to enable you to do this like maybe go to the gym and just expected the weight to fall off without any effort from him to enable you to do it Amirite?

And i would also be turned off by someone that superficial and shallow and would feel exactly the same as you.

That sounds disappointing and I can see why you want more. It might be worth suggesting couples counselling. If he is holding back on physical intimacy he might be reluctant but I think it would be worth suggesting.

Has anything changed in your relationship? In terms of appearance / effort / time together / financial pressures /porn use / jobs / sleep?

There's always a root cause, often lots of cumulative causes getting worse over time. If it's porn, he won't tell you, but I've seen this ten times over in my friend groups when people start having kids.

It's very rare people aren't interested in sex at all, so either attraction/connection has waned or needs are being met somewhere else.

I'm sorry you have to navigate through this!

Divorce. These are not circumstances you can thrive under. Your sexual self is part of your whole self, and you’re not given any scope to have that fulfilled.

alternatively , tell him you have these needs (they’re nothing to be ashamed of) and see if you can do an open relationship in which you see other people. If the rest of your relationship is that strong, you should be able to withstand it.

I do know i wouldn't have had the affair.

Not promoting cheating, but if you hadn't had the affair, would anything actually have changed? He refused to communicate with you until it was brought to crisis point.

It's a shame that often it is only at point of leaving or implosion of the marriage that people are motivated to change the status quo.

Affair or open marriage? I don't think it's worth developing something you'd feel somewhat guilty about (affair) over something that is directly caused by your spouse's neglect. Wouldn't it be much-much cleaner to just end the non-functional relationship and start fresh somewhere else? And as for open marriage - I was told by those who take part in such setups that it is first and foremost a lifestyle, not an alternate solution to an otherwise broken marriage. That is such a huge shift in how one would view relationships, I just don't see it, if you otherwise are not interested...

I'd say end the relationship as soon as possible, so no more time gets wasted, and you will have your morals intact, and no need to look for alternate solutions that would otherwise not be your first choice, @Brasshandle

Sorry op but this will end the relationship one way or another. I was you, it was soul destroying. For a long time I tried to convince myself everything else in the relationship was ok, we ticked along but ultimately it’s not an intimate relationship without sex - obvious exceptions such as health or mutual agreement excluded.
ironically he had the affair in the end, I think he viewed me as a mother figure tbh and couldn’t see me as a woman in my own right. It brought out a side of him I didn’t think he was capable of having and ultimately laid bare significant mental health issues he’d been keeping under wraps.
i know you say you don’t want to leave but you can’t be truly happy in these circumstances. I think it would be fair at this point to give an ultimatum of seeking medical advice/ counselling or separating if he’s unwilling to put the effort in for your sake.

As somebody in an open marriage who also has a lot of sex with my DH, I think opening up a marriage because your spouse isn’t attracted to and doesn’t want to have sex with you is just about the worst way to do it. Having sex with somebody else, knowing that the person you love and who is supposed to want to do this with you, simply doesn’t have any interest, is just going to leave an emotional hole and lead to further sadness and resentment about why they don’t feel this way about you. Sex with other people as an addition, sure. Sex with other people as a replacement, rarely works out well - unless you ultimately see it as a stepping stone to helping you to decide whether to end your marriage after that.

That was my suggestion - I am also in an open marriage and have a healthy sex life and I do completely agree with you but if I were in this position and couldn't separate for any reason I would absolutely pursue casual sex on the side. It might bring the marriage to an end, sure, but it will end anyway due to neglect so it's worth trying something different.

It's one thing to be off sex due to breastfeeding or stress or depression or something. And to be still talking about it with your partner and, if it goes on beyond a year or so, maybe making a plan?

But to be off sex this long is kind of redetermining the terms of the relationship. Did you sign up to live with a friend or a lover?

You only get one life!

People aren't that complicated

I would assume he's gay and divorce him x

Who’s stopping you from asking OP all those questions if you feel they should be asked?

I don't think so, @canisquaeso

I have been on both sides of this fence. Married and didn’t want any sex in the end.
mostly as I ended up resenting my husband for the things in the relationship which I felt he was neglecting, so last thing I felt
towards him Was affection. he never moved on the stuff that bothered me and yet he wanted to have sex periodically despite our issues. I couldn’t go there at all I was so turned off.

We split up, I was then in a new relationship and the guy completely went off sex after about a year. No explanation, refusing to talk about it etc. everything else (at the time) felt good. I had to leave as I couldn’t compromise on that side of my life without explanation or effort for us to work
on things.

Have been with current partner for 4years. Sex amazing and life gets in the way like for all of us but we prioritise this aspect of our relationship. I have to say as well since being with my partner I have really come
to realise how important pheromones are - being drawn to someone on some really base chemicial-smell level and being drawn to them for that. I never had this with my husband at all which made the sex so-so. I have this in spades with my partner, both of us do. I don’t know the science of this and obvs don’t recommend going on pheromones alone you need to be aligned in many ways! Just thought it may be worth adding this to the mix as I think in our culture we just don’t appreciate these more instructive-level signs when it comes to basic attraction and what makes that tick in each of us.

@category12 and @GoldDuster
Thank you for your understanding replies. I honestly expected a pasting here.

We did get to the bottom of the problem because during therapy he found himself able to speak out about long repressed trauma from childhood abuse.

It was so buried so deep and subconscious that he just could never answer me honestly for fear of shame or blame. Isn't that the saddest thing? Letting it pour out and letting me help him changed everything. It was intimacy he was afraid of on lots of levels - now he is an open and happy book and all his relationships are easier and better. It's wonderful.

Therapy was the key that opened the door for him and I don't know if we would have had the wherewithal/strength/sense to go to therapy had things not hit some sort of all time low.

@LochSunart I think you have a good plan there and are being very honest and gentle with your wife. I do hope things work out for you. Life is precious and we all deserve love.

What kind of therapy did he have? Because this sounds like my husband and after over 12 years without act sex or affection at all I'm ready to leave if something doesn't change. He might go to a therapist but I will have to find one and arrange it, but I don't know what I'm looking for.

You should leave OP. If it matters to you then it will continue to matter and it will eat away at you. I’m much older than you and I’ve been in this position for years. I should have left. It eats away at your confidence and it makes you feel desperately lonely.

@Malinia It was a marriage guidance counseling that we went to together through Relate. They were so helpful.

@exhaustDAD "(Wait, Wait, Wait. So, when a guy posts about his wife not wanting sex, an immediate and thorough grilling starts, asking about how much he works, how much he does around the house, how emotionally available he is, whether he is just simply a sh-t lover, or his wife is emotionally or mentally overloaded, etc etc.. But that is nowhere to be seen for a wife, it seems. This is not on OP, of course, but it is staggering to see. The words 'nagging' and repeatedly asking were being used and I distinctly remember the last husband being labelled as a sex pest because of it. )"

I've read some of your previous comments, and thought you were a thoughtful person. I'm surprised that you wrote this.

Men and women live in different worlds. For example, it is much easier for a man to rape a woman than it is for a woman to rape a man. Women face male aggression all the time. For many women, it starts in prepubescence. Domestic violence and sexual coercion are abundant. Men orgasm 90-95% of the time in sexual encounters, women 54-65%. Women carry a disproportionate domestic load eg they handle 71% of mentally demanding tasks (eg childcare) compared to 45% for fathers. In dual-career homes, women are 1.9 times more likely to have primary responsibility for everyday chores such as cooking and cleaning.

You being surprised at the different responses to men and women who are unhappy about lack of sex in their marriage suggests that you don't understand that women live in a different world to men. And if you don't understand that, it disqualifies you as a serious commenter on this topic and perhaps others as well.

I agree about the differences a 100% @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta , absolutely. My surprise is mostly about the guns blazing approach some present - not everyone. While I understand these, all too well, I think there could be a nuance for the approaches, do you know what I mean? I think it is fair to fire away once the details show that "yup, it is one of those again", but to start off like that can be rather hurtful for those who don't necessarily deserve it. That's my angle, but as I said, never in a million years would I say I can't agree with what you highlighted. I wish it wasn't the case.

I would try (even if it feels like you've already done this) having a serious private honest conversation with him, NOT just after a situation where you might have had sex but didn't but at a completely unsexy time when there's no specific incident fresh in either of your minds. Remind him of what you've said here about how infrequently you have sex and how recently and ask him if he sees himself ever wanting sex again. Get him to talk about it. You know him and we don't but it could be possible he knows there's some physical or mental thing getting in the way and he'd like to get over it but doesn't want to or doesn't know how to talk about it and seek help. If he says he's happy never having it again and sees no need to do anything differently, then you can work from there. But I do think in the context of a marriage you have the right to know what's going on, as much as he can tell you. And he has a right to know that whatever's going on is strongly impacting your feelings about him and weakening and perhaps threatening the relationship.

(And yes, I'd say the same thing if sexes were reversed, or if this were two women or two men. Not every thread has to be "oh, the poor men!" Sometimes it can just be about the OP's situation/question.)

Split up, OP.
You can still be good co-parents and you will all be much happier.
You only live once.

I’d say he’s having an affair, sorry. I’d split whilst your dc are young enough to get over it.