Husband won't have sex with me

[Brasshandle]

Married to DH for 10 years. I love him, he's pretty good as a dad and we are a good team. We get on well and I enjoy his company. We have never had a wild sexual relationship, and my libido has always been higher than his. But it's now been a year since we last had sex. And before that one time, another year. I think since our youngest was conceived in 2019 we have had sex five times.
Every one of those times came after me repeatedly suggesting it, to the point of almost nagging. I bring up regularly the fact that we never do it, that I think it's unfair and that I wonder if he fancies me. He just shrugs and says he's tired or that we will at some point. We never do.

I don't think I'd ever have an affair, and I don't want to leave him for very many reasons (largely because apart from this one thing it's all good). But I get so frustrated sometimes I could cry. And I just miss something I enjoy a lot. The thought of a sexless life or a pity shag once a year is so sad. It was my birthday last week. Kids away, got all dressed up, and he ended up eating and drinking too much and saying he just wanted to go to sleep.

He isn't massively physically affectionate either, but I get hugs from the kids!

I don't know what advice I want really. I am just feeling sad.

My ex was a bit like this when DC was born, not as long as a year but a lot less than I’d like.

Honestly, I really resented him for it. He said he loved me, he was just tired, etc. but I felt like I told him how I felt and he still couldn’t make the effort.

Even when we “scheduled” it, he’d often be too tired. He’s not a nice person, and I actually think he was using it as control…I wanted something and he could refuse me it.

Personally I'd divorce unless he came up with a bloody good reason like impotence which I'd want investigating.

You're too young to live like a nun.

I think he may just be one of those very rare men who doesn't really like sex.

If you say that your sex life has never been particularly wild and you have always wanted it more than him, then I guess its just not that important to him.

Other than just saying 'you never want sex anymore' have you ever sat down and had a proper discussion? Told him that you miss the closeness and you miss the intimacy and focus on that rather than on the act itself. Tell him it makes you feel hurt and rejected? If not then I think you need to, or you could consider couples counselling.

Other than the sex is your relationship otherwise good? Do you laugh together? Go out? Have fun? Do you have a friendship? You say he always says he is tired. Does he work long hours? Does he go out with friends and have hobbies and otherwise seem happy?

Just all things to think about.

But I feel for you as it must be awful not feeling loved or wanted and missing out on something that you enjoy so much. So I sympathise.

I have no advice really but if he doesn't want sex then it can't be forced but I do think he owes you explanations as to why this part of your relationship has come to a grinding halt.

Communication is key to a good relationship. You can't work on something with someone who just shrugs and says they are tired but you may be able to work back towards intimacy with some help from a relationship counsellor.

Good Luck

It won’t get any better. I wish I’d left 15 years ago when we were down to a pity shag every couple of months. Sorry 😞

How old are you?

This sort of thing has the habit of building and building and you might end up leaving him anyway and rueing those wasted years.

After 10 years of marriage I was in exactly your position. Your story is mine exactly. I tried and tried absolutely everything to improve the situation and ended up feeling like an unwanted, unfeminine, frustrated nag. He just couldn't or wouldn't have sex with me or explain why. I begged him to tell me and he said he didn't know. This went on for years.

In every other respect our marriage was perfect and we had good times and a good, happy life, but sex between us was just non existent.

In the end I had an affair. My husband found out. It was all a nightmare. I feel guilty but can completely understand why I did it. I will probably get flamed on here, but nobody can understand how this feels if they've not been in the position.

DH and I stayed together, had therapy and started having sex which was the best we'd ever had. We're two decades on from this now and happy together.

I'm glad I didn't leave him. I wish none of it had ever happened. I wish he could have talked to me openly about the problem at the time.

If I had to live through it again would I stay? I don't know.
I do know I wouldn't have had the affair (although it's easy to say that with hindsight and post menopause/lower libido).

My advice to you would be to do whatever you can to get to the bottom of why he won't sleep with you. Tell him about my disaster and say you don't want it to happen to you. Don't waste years suffering. You only have one life.

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My god. Your story is like mine, but in a different order. My wife doesn't want sex, my wife had the affair. I wonder whether I'll have an apparently happy ending like you've had?

Have you explained how it makes you feel? How soul destroying it is? If he loves you and can do something to avoid you feeling like that he will. If he genuinely can't and won't try to fix it by therapy, medicine, etc then spell out your options. 1) stay and accept it - how does that look long-term? 2)Stay and open up the marriage - needs agreement and how would that change things 3) Leave.

Just explain how you feel, and that you need him to move a little on how he feels. How important is sex to you? Worth leaving him or happy to sacrifice it for the good things. What if he was just a bit more affectionate like hugs and kisses but little sex?

I think relationship counselling is a place to start, but you do need to enter it with both the hope that it will change things; and a clear plan of action for if it quickly becomes apparent it won’t or that it’s going to be a raw process to try: you need to be open to potentially hearing uncomfortable answers by getting him to push beyond “I’m tired” so that he suddenly says in counselling “I don’t find you attractive any more”, you don’t want to be blindsided.

You can turn things around, as previous poster has given an example of. If he’s tired and struggles to get in the mood but enjoys it when he does, and wants things to improve because he cares about how you feel, then that can all be worked on. And he doesn’t have a libido and doesn’t want to meet your needs because he’s happy with how he is, at least you’ll have a clear position to think about your next steps from.

Another one saying it won’t get any better. I was in pretty much the same situation 9 years ago when I pushed him as to why? He admitted he didn’t fancy me after I’d not lost my baby weight straight away. I had 3 babies in 5 years and was a size 14 rather than my pre pregnancy size 10.
It literally broke my heart. I’m still here 9 years later in a sexless/affection free relationship. We are mates (as much as you can be with someone who did that).
Im slimmer now than I was pre kids but I would rather shit in my hands and clap then let him near me.
I’m biding my time.

He doesnt want sex so you have to decide whether to stay in a low sex relationship or move on. What would be unethical is to keep badgering him for sex.

As a rule of thumb, you are never going to have sex more frequently than you do at the start of a relationship. Circumstances might change that a bit but you arent ever going to go from sex every 3 months to sex every week ten years down the line.

That doesn’t sound like a great environment for your kids.

(Wait, Wait, Wait. So, when a guy posts about his wife not wanting sex, an immediate and thorough grilling starts, asking about how much he works, how much he does around the house, how emotionally available he is, whether he is just simply a sh-t lover, or his wife is emotionally or mentally overloaded, etc etc.. But that is nowhere to be seen for a wife, it seems. This is not on OP, of course, but it is staggering to see. The words 'nagging' and repeatedly asking were being used and I distinctly remember the last husband being labelled as a sex pest because of it. )

Outside of this, @Brasshandle I am real sorry for your situation, it must be heart-breaking, and a so destructive to one's self-esteem. At the end of the day, you have one life to live. Intimacy is important for most people, for you, too. And you've voiced that you would need more, and he is not really willing to meet you, or show signs of trying to offer a solution, it seems. Is that correct? Did you sit down and talk about why exactly he is like this, or if he's just happy to stay this way with you at all? If he is, and he is not willing to deep dive into it, I don't think you should waste more time on it...That would mean that the relationship and you - are not important enough for him to make an effort. And he is comfortable knowing that it is not good for you. You might think that otherwise he is a great partner, but a lack of one thing will not be negated by the positive aspect of something else, I am afraid.

Oh god op this sounds soul destroying. Dh and I average about once a month, I’d like more but due to sleeping arrangements, work and some physical issues which means Dh needs to pop a pill beforehand we don’t get the chance. Dh isn’t fussed, I’m definitely the one with the higher libido but I am willing to compromise. A year would be far too long for me though.
I think aside from the sexual frustration, the knowledge that your dh doesn’t want to is probably hurting you emotionally and damaging your self esteem.
I hate to say it but unless he is willing to communicate and change, this won’t get better. You can’t force anyone to just desire more sex. You either reach a compromise or you separate - easier said than done of course but they really are the only two options.

Well men arent really seen as rounded humans with nuanced needs and desires so of course their overall emotional wellbeing won't influence their sex drive.... right?

And I mean, they don't need skill or intimacy, do they? Just an orifice will do for them. So it could not possibly be anything to do with sex being good enough. All sex is the same to men..... isn't it?

He clearly doesn’t want to have sex. If you cannot live with that you will have to break up. That’s all there is to it…

Did you ever get to the bottom of what caused the inital drought? That's a mighty tale, I am glad you pulled it around, that won't have been without a load of work, fair play to you.

This.

But also I would class once a year as sexless, not low sex.

Regardless of anything else, bringing it up regularly and moaning its not fair he wont force himself to have sex is being a sex pest, which is the biggest turn off ever for anyone.

I dont know what the answer is apart from him being willing to explore if hes depressed, or theres a medical/physical reason, or you deciding if you can live in a sexless marriage.

Nagging him won't help anyone and is just very grim behaviour tbh.

I would absolutely 100% give up on trying to have sex with him and ask him to agree to you having sex outside the marriage if you insist that you won't leave him.

This is really difficult to insist and be able to know you could follow through on. Nothing requires better communication than opening up a relationship sexually and keeping it on track, and it doesn't sound like that level of communication is currently there.

I'd suggest you need to do some digging, together, into what is going on, and if that's with a therapist then so be it. You will need his buy in to investigate options, and if opening up is what comes of it, tread carefully with great consideration.

@Soupintheshed , @Brasshandle

I'm in a sexless marriage, long-term. A very brief period of sex last year but, apart from that, no sex at all for eight years. Before that, sex once every two or three weeks, and she behaved like it was a tiresome chore. Not ironing, obviously, 'cos that's fun once you get going; think visiting the in-laws. Before that, she had a steamy affair. Everyone says I'm an idiot etc etc but whatever.

This year, 2026, is the year I've decided I'll tell her how I feel, but I have to do this gently. She's had bereavements and an exceptionally difficult time with her parents. So: I'll not be coming out with everything all at once. The first stage was, I wrote her a letter, which I gave her last week. The next stage is just to prod her gently to keep the conversation going: is there anything about our relationship she'd like to change? Anything about me? Is there anything at all she wants to tell me? Literally, anything.

However, at the end of the day, I will be saying: I'm unhappy and have been for a long time; I married her to be monogamous, not celibate; I've been signed up, against my will, to a life-long vow of celibacy, and I can't live like a monk. I won't lie on my death-bed full of regret.

I've no idea how this will go, but I'm determined; I'm having weekly therapy and, really, it's just to help me gain courage to start, and to push forward, this process. To the OP, I feel your pain and your needs (needs!) are valid.

Reading all the your stories of sexless marriages is so sad, everyone... I am so sorry, please look after yourselves.. I can't imagine how life would be like that...

Ikr. I couldnt be in a sexless marriage.