Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

I am so sorry you're in this position and don't feel able to leave. You very clearly have nothing to feel guilty about.

It was his decision, his actions, his choices that have led to this terrible situation. You have the right to react to it in whatever way makes you feel even a little bit better - if that involves demanding answers, then that's completely ok. If that involves never mentioning it but slowly getting ready to have him, that's ok. If that involves crying, or shouting, or anything else, that's ok.

He did something heinous. He hurt and betrayed you in the worst way possible. I really hope you are able to prioritise yourself going forwards.

Hold on. Please, just hold on. What you're feeling right now isn't "going crazy." It's your psyche finally saying, "I can't hide this anymore." And it's terrifying, painful, and feels destructive — but it's also the beginning of healing.
Go to therapy. That's the only place where you can get real help. Make sure you go — don't put it off. It will save you.
And in this situation, think about yourself, not your husband. This is YOUR health, and you have every right not to live with this. This trauma is not your fault, and you don't have to carry it alone.
You've already done the most important thing — you remembered. You're going to a therapist. You're talking about it. That's not "doing nothing." That's huge, brave work. You don't have to leave right now if you're not ready. But you need to know: your feelings matter. Your pain matters. And what happened — it was not your fault.
The guilt you're feeling — that guilt belongs to your husband, not you. In a healthy situation, he would take responsibility for what he did.
You're not alone. We're here with you.

Thank you for your kind reply. This time last week when the memories first resurfaced I was sure that with therapy I could probably just get through it and carry on.

over 100 people replied and said ‘he assaulted you and that’s not ok’ and although it was hard to hear it also made me question why on earth would he do it to me, the person he says he loves, adores, couldn’t live without etc etc

I know there is no excuse but I would still like to hear it. But I just can’t seem to get over the fear of upsetting him and turning everything to shit

Thank you for your very lovely and supportive message. Even from a stranger on the internet it is nice to know that someone thinks I’m not crazy and am doing the right thing! So thank you

I haven’t got any family or friends I can speak to about it at the moment

My gut instinct is that you shouldn't try to talk to him about this OP, and certainly not before you start therapy. Your focus for now needs to be on yourself and finding a way to process what happened and how you feel about it, you need empathy and validation and you won't get that from him.

Gently OP, you say that you ‘just want to hear it’, but what possible excuse or reason is going to make all of this okay or change anything? It is a way of putting the focus back on him when it really needs to be on you. He did something terrible to you, and you are still traumatised. This is what you need help with.
We spend so much time trying to understand why men do the things they do to us - because we don’t want to face what they have done to us.
I hope you get help, heal and can recover from this. He can’t help you with that - he has done this to you.

I don't feel it's safe for you to talk to him about this OP. I have a strong feeling that he does other things in the relationship and probably has a personality type that's very damaging to you. These types don't change.

To do what he did, for you to feel so much guilt, it all feels very coercive.

I'd personally embark on therapy, alone. Do not even think about including him. A female one.

I get your point , thank you. I suppose I think if he admitted it was a truly awful thing and promised it would never happen again maybe having it all out in the open and not hidden for years might help how I’m feeling ? I don’t like secrets

No real possible excuse other than he didn’t hear me cry which I don’t think is possible

Maybe I’ll wait and speak to the therapist first

Yes, that's the hardest part of this situation — that with such a problem, a person is left without help. It's incredibly difficult to go through this alone.
Remind yourself often: you are not obligated to live with this. This is not your fault. There is no shame in this, and there is no blame on you.
I understand you want to understand the reasons — but don't forget the main thing:

• Why did this happen?
• What was driving your husband?
• How does your husband live with this?
• How can your husband earn back your trust?

These are questions your husband should be answering, not you. These questions should not be your burden. This is NOT your area of responsibility. Let your husband deal with these questions — not you. The questions you should be focusing on are: How do I stop feeling anxious? How do I stop panicking? How do I stop thinking about this constantly? You're doing great. You've got this.

None of the shame and guilt should be yours. As Gisèle Pelicot said, 'shame must change sides'. The perpetrators of rape and sexual violence should feel the shame, not their victims.

In your first post, you said that, apart from the time he had sex with you even though you said no, he was a lovely husband and father.

In your later posts, you have confirmed that he is controlling in other ways and it would appear that he still pesters you for sex when you don't want it, but you always give in now. There is definitely a power imbalance in your marriage and he makes the rules.

I hope your therapy goes well. People can end their marriages for any reason and you have many reasons why you might want to leave your marriage. I do think that you are scared of him and what he might do if you did split up.

I would be very cautious about bringing it up with him before you have had some therapy because of the potential of him saying something that either diminishes it or is otherwise traumatic to you. You need to feel robust and sure in yourself to withstand any negative reactions from him and I can't see him taking ownership and showing remorse straight away. This is such a tough position to be in and the most important thing is your health and wellbeing so get the support so you can tackle it with some support in place so you will be able to feel strong enough to get through it and fully dealt with the trauma of what happened to you. Xx

She was a very strong and brave lady - what she endured was beyond awful.

you are not wrong in some of the things I spoke about. There is a bit of a power imbalance especially with me trying to ‘keep the peace’ as it were but it’s easy to think it sounds awful out of context. In most ways he is kind and respectful and lovely to me.

When my friends complain to me about their cheating or lazy or rude husbands I sometimes think wow I’m so lucky to have mine , and then I remembered this incident . It’s a huge head fu**

He has never hurt me physically so I am not afraid in that sense.

Thank you. If I ask a therapist if I should talk to him about it will she advise me if it’s a good idea or not?

I was on your second post: it takes time for it to sink in and action does not have to be immediate. It takes time when you have kids and to the outside world your relationship is viewed as “normal”. All these conflicts in reality and perception don’t help. He harmed you but you are worried of harming him with the truth. Another conflict.
therapy is going to be painful but give you clarity and your power back.

I would think that they would tell you that but more importantly they will help you to explore your feelings about it and what you would like to happen. As well as how to react if you don't get a favourable reaction from him.They will help you with being able to think about what happened to you and how to cope with the feelings and thoughts it's caused. So you can understand yourself and feel stronger in yourself if that makes sense. Without support it makes it easier for a perpetrator to blame the victim and the victim to accept the blame because they don't feel worthy. Not saying that your husband will blame you but it is a possibility. Victims of domestic violence often have been subject to years of maltreatment and forced to accept behaviour that has slowly become normalised. It destroys self worth and confidence to the point where they aren't in a relationship where the power balance is equal. Sexual assault is often about power rather than sex, so it's possible that there's some power balance problems in your relationship. So it's important for you to have the support to work through it all.

You don't have to talk to him just because your counsellor or ISVA suggested this. If they did say it, it's poor advice. You can go back and say that it isn't right for me at the moment.

I agree with this . You are quite vulnerable at the moment op. You have hit a point where the assaults can’t be buried any more, which tells you there is stuff you aren’t acknowledging, or haven’t been able to process. Small steps now. You don’t have to be able to resolve this quickly, take your time, look after yourself well, and allow yourself the time and space to come to terms with what happened to you, both at uni and what your DH did, and what that means.
Personally I feel that while what your husband did is terrible, he also did this knowing that you had been raped/assaulted as a teenager, and that you were unconscious at the time, so being fast asleep and waking to your husband penetrating you without your consent would be exceptionally traumatic, and could have made faint memories, physical memories, from that first assault resurface.
This is a huge and multi layered thing to deal with. You also have little children. I think you have put everyone else first for so long that you are struggling to face the fact that this has to be addressed, that you really need help and support, while also trying to care for your family. It must all feel overwhelming but once you start to talk to someone you will have made the first small step, and although this won’t be easy you really are moving forward.
Don’t be afraid to change therapists if the one you see isn’t a good fit. I wish you the best OP, you have been through a lot, and you are being really brave in addressing this now. Hard as it is now it will get better as you will feel more resilient, and you will be living in a more authentic way, and that will reflect in your mothering of your dcs as they grow older.

I think that’s a good idea. At the moment, your thinking seems to be that if there’s a reasonable explanation for what he did, you can move on from it. I think you know deep down that there is no excuse or explanation that can justify sex without consent, let alone sex with someone who is crying because they are being violated by someone they trusted. Please see a therapist who can help you to focus on yourself here.

You matter. Your feelings matter. He violated you - that matters, no matter how long ago it happened. His reaction the next day (centering himself) shows you how little it mattered to him then - it won’t be any better now.

You did nothing wrong, and nobody matters here more than you.

Im so sorry you went through that op but you haven't had the final necessary realisation yet.

He knows what did.

You don't have to explain it to him.

The truth is that just your way of trying to excuse his behaviour to yourself because if he acts a certain way you can further convince yourself it wasn't assault. And that this man who is supposed to love you didn't betray you and assault you.

He is not a safe person. And I'm so sorry but, he does not love you. He hurt you and he could even do it again one day.

You never have to explain why evil behaviour is evil to a grown man. He knows. He knows he did it. He intended to do it. And even if he is 'sorry' its only because his actions might lose him his victim.

You need to explain to yourself that this man is not safe, that he deliberately hurt you, that he could again. That it's not your fault but that you need to get away from him.

Speak with a therapist. Look into seperation procedures. Consult a solicitor.

OP you can start as many threads as you need.

My worry is that you are missing things out and people will give answers based on that. IIRC he also initiates sex while you are asleep. Which is also rape.

A good therapist won't advise you to do anything, a good therapist will help you to make the decision yourself.

Guilt is a strange emotion. I can relate to what you say. I used to feel guilt that I couldn't just 'get over' my awful childhood and just be a normal daughter to my mum. Guilt about this consumed me for years. A really good therapist helped me so much and I don't feel guilty now.

I really feel for you, you are in such a difficult position. Just remember you have done nothing wrong here.

A good therapist would help you think through the possible responses you would get from him and how you might react. The goal shouldn’t be to advise you what to do but to help you prepare yourself for the conversation so you can decide if it would help you.

I’m so sorry I don’t know what to say to help. You are allowed to feel this way about it, it’s not your problem how it makes him feel, he did this, he made that choice. Yes maybe you can get past it together if you choose to, but you need to think about your feelings and process it, not be primarily concerned with his.

i did have a similar situation with xH. We never spoke of it the next morning or thereafter (he did actually stop but only when I physically pushed him off, then gave me silent treatment and stormed off and slept elsewhere).
I thought he’d forgotten all about it but it did come up in counselling when we were separating and he said he thought about it a lot, but he had never apologised to me.

i couldn’t get past it and it was one of many reasons I left. I found it hard as some of our mutual friends have judged me for making the choice to leave, but I have never felt able to explain in detail the reasons including that incident (and why should I anyway).

No, there's no coming back from something as big as this. You say you don't feel unsafe around him, but I think you should at least consider that your alarm bells have been quieted and aren't working as they should right now.

But I just can’t seem to get over the fear of upsetting him and turning everything to shit

It already has, but it's not visible as you've cracked on the inside.

The reason why you can't talk about it is because what happened is so bad that it feels like a dirty taboo subject. You know that once it's all open in the daylight, you really will have to confront what happened and who is as a person, head-on.

You have a lot of of thinking to do. It will take a while for you to digest all of it. It will feel confusing because you're having to radically reformulate your understanding of someone and accept that the person you thought you knew isn't who you thought he is, and thinking about an alternative future.

it also made me question why on earth would he do it to me, the person he says he loves, adores, couldn’t live without etc etc

It's a painful way to learn this lesson, but abusive, unpleasant people or users will say all sort of things if they think they need to.

What people like this often mean (if they're not outright lying), is -

I love / adore you = You're fun & pleasant company. You're a nice person, and I love the services you provide.

Couldn't live without = You make my life so much easier, in a way I don't think a lot of women would. I take more than I give in this relationship. It would be really unpleasant for me to to have to start all over again.

None of that means that someone loves who you are as a person, or respects you. It means they're a user. Lots of people adore their car, their favourite clothing, going on holiday, but they're not in love with any of those things. See the difference?

You spoken in another post of thinking that it'll make you feel better to talk about it with him, and having him admit it was awful.

Maybe, but I don't think this would last long. It will eat away at you in the end, because he's shattered who you thought he was.

He knows it's awful OP. Most men expect for extremists like Andrew Tate would think so too, but the reason why he did it to you is because, quite frankly, it was worth it and he felt very, very confident that he could get away with it.

Don't you think that's unbelievable OP? The absolute arrogance of that, the fucking audacity if it?! The level of power and influence he must feel he has over you, knowing you wouldn't march into a police station and report him??