Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

I agree with this tbh. I think you need to get your own safe space to figure out where you are with this before you speak to him. It also means you'd have a support outside of him to debrief with.

It's one thing feeling physically safe with him but it's another to feel emotionally safe and this is a really big thing to discuss as a couple and it's daunting because you've no idea how he'd react, what he would say, if he'd dismiss or minimise it rather than being accountable and right now this is raw for you. So you need someone safe to hold this with you and that can't be him right now.

Your feelings of guilt are normal, but they are misplaced. You did nothing wrong, you owe him nothing, you haven't and won't harm your family - he did that with what happened and if he reacts badly rather than being accountable and validating you then he's doing it again. Not you.

Your family is obviously very important to you but op you have to be at your best in order to give them the best, and you need support to address this in the way YOU need, in order to do that. You are the cog that keeps your family turning so its important you're well looked after.

I went through similar with an ex. I think he felt badly initially and I honestly didn't want to deal with it so I put it in a box in my mind and tried to move on but then he gradually got more controlling and abusive as the years went on. Really i think that behaviour was just the first sign of what was to come ahead I just didn't feel strong enough to deal with it or even really put the words to it. We broke up and I went for counselling for a long time after which really helped.

Can I recommend this book: You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: Amazon.co.uk: Stosny, Steven: 9780743284691: Books It was hugely helpful for me when I needed emotional support whilst in a relationship where similar had occurred.I also asked for posts to be deleted because I was worried I'd said too much. Sending love.

Thank you for your supportive message. We have already spoken about it today as per my update. I couldn’t keep it in any longer.

I do feel a bit better now but I will also see the therapist

i appreciate all the messages of support and sharing of personal stories x

can I ask a question - how after all of that coming out did it end up with intimacy

did he convince you the whole thing made him feel awful because obviously he didn’t mean it and then you felt guilty?

and is he the reason you don’t have friends or our near family or as I suspect your relationship with your family rocky when you met and he saved you

I said on the previous thread that the power and age imbalance emanates from every post

you have daughters right? This isn’t a good environment for them with a mother constantly appeasing and keeping the peace because they will notice

Sorry op I missed that update in the thread, I'm glad you feel a weight had been lifted and also glad he wasn't dismissive and was accountable. Just keep listening to yourself and your gut. Counselling may still be helpful separately at least initially but later maybe as a couple if/ when you feel safe enough. But just pace yourself with it all. Your feelings are valid and important and it's good that you're being true to yourself.

You can feel however you feel. But him having sex with you after you spoke to him about raping you feels very very off to me.

I second others saying you still need therapy. I am worried that you will feel extremely angry and violated at some point and this will be part of it.

It’s a fair question I guess , I’m not sure I guess we were both really upset and then just wanted emotional closeness and it just kind of happened . It was consented from
both sides . I will always feel guilty for causing the person I love deeply upset and pain .

I am not isolated from my family no - I just wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing any relationship issues with them because how do you come back from that once it’s been shared . Also my relationship with my parents is good but not very deep in terms of feelings and things.

He did save me in a way . My life was a bit of a mess when we met for various reasons and I had been through my own trauma, but he always says I saved him

One thing I feel I have to say even though it might be upsetting is that it’s worse that he says he doesn’t remember his heavily pregnant wife crying while he raped her. He thinks it sounds better to say he didn’t realise you were crying, but it doesn’t. It means he is either lying (most likely) about recalling that detail or literally cared so little at the time that it didn’t register with him that his heavily pregnant wife was crying during the assault.

The other thought that strikes me, is because he's raped you so many times, he didn't remember that specific time.

Ever time he wakes you up by having sex (which has happened multiple times), he is raping you. This wasn't a one off terrible mistake, he's a serial rapist and you've been his victim for years.

He knows you don't like him starting sex when you're also, because you've told him. And yet he still does it, knowing that.

You can try to sweep this under the carpet, and he'll carry on raping you wherever he fancies. Why would you be with a man who had so little sexual control that he would do this to someone he says he lives? And how can you justify using your children live with a sexual predator?

Please carry on with the therapy. Don't let this pass. It's absolutely horrifying.

I will always feel guilty for causing the person I love deeply upset and pain.

He has raped you multiple times. Seriously. He didn't deserve a tenth of the care you have for him, because (irrespective of what he says), he doesn't have the same care for you. Or he wouldn't be repeatedly raping you would he?

I will always feel guilty for causing the person I love deeply upset and pain

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

One thing that I sincerely wish for for you, is that as you heal, you will truly and wholly allow the guilt to rest with him, and not try to carry any of it yourself.

That you want to talk, heal, reconnect, work it all out, that you are a compassionate and loving wife, that it took three years to boil up inside you, that you can't just swallow it any more... none of that gives you the right to carry guilt that is his cross to bear. He raped you, and there might be all sorts of stuff and baggage around it, but guilt around addressing it is NOT yours to carry.

Why the f*ck are you on here using clearly Chatgpt replies to seem like your comforting this woman?

@ForestDad52

Your posts are AI generated. It’s obvious to anyone who works in / with AI.

Instead of being annoyed when people point it out on various threads, maybe just get better at covering it up if you insist on doing it.

Your username implies you’re a man. Women will be sensitive to a man coming onto a thread about male violence and using ChatGPT / other AI to join the conversation. It feels very unsettling to us. Intrusive and inappropriate.

If you respect women and want them to feel comfortable, it’s worth listening if multiple women tell you that something you’re doing makes them uncomfortable, as they have done in more than one post.

Sorry to derail OP. I really hope therapy happens soon

I asked a pro AI identifier tool for you. Here you go:

answer: yes, it very likely reads as AI-generated.
Here’s why it gives that impression:

• It uses very generic, therapy-style phrasing (“your psyche,” “beginning of healing,” “that’s huge, brave work”).
• It has a formulaic reassurance structure — validate → instruct therapy → reassign guilt → empower → “you’re not alone.”
• The tone is overly polished and universal, rather than responding to any specific details from the original post.
• It avoids nuance and context — which is common in AI-generated supportive scripts.

Im not going to engage with you further, your posting is inappropriate on this thread and I don’t want to derail anymore.

It just is. The fact that we recognised it means it's obvious, no?
They are not your words. We have no idea if you're feeding your thoughts into AI and getting it to rewrite or if you're just screenshotting the post and getting AI to write a response. Does any of what you wrote here come from your mind or is it all ChatGPT's response? Nobody knows. It's dishonest and uncanny valley. It's not helpful to anyone, OP could have asked ChatGPT herself if she wanted an AI view. Please, don't imagine you're going undetected because you're not. Just don't do it - what is even the point? It's jarring, disrupting and embarrassing.

You sound so vulnerable, OP. I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. Keep the therapy plan. Stick with it. You may be surprised what you notice over time.

Sometimes the dynamic of a couple ends up that one person is sure they know what’s right and what we should do, and when we should do it, that the other person loses sight of what they want. They end up arranged around making the other person happy, they think it’s their happiness too, and lose sight of their own interests.

Didn’t want to read and run OP. If you haven’t already looked into therapy, can I recommend EFT/matrix imprinting? It changed my life when I had unresolved trauma I didn’t even really know I had. Look into it. And look after yourself. x

I agree therapy will be really important. I think it’s telling that intimacy followed that conversation. Surely a person who had just been confronted with their behaviour (to put it mildly) and actually felt deep shame and remorse wouldn’t really be in the mood? It seems like very little puts him off.

@ByPinkPoet how old are your daughters

and what did you save him from? Because that is an interesting choice if words from him

You are not crazy. It plays on your mind.
I have been in a similar situation and the need to have that conversation over the incident with my OH haunts me now, even 6 years after his death. I did not do so at the time.
My circumstances were different in that my OH had a degenerative neurological illness and this, and the meds, caused a lack of judgement and sexual dysinhibition which only that once caused him to use force against my wishes .... although there were ongoing problems as I was pretty well under siege and life was very stressful.
But what I can identify with is the OP's inability to let go of this traumatic happening and the need to have it out with him.
Forgive me if I have missed this, but did you address this with him at the time? ... and what was his reaction?
FWIW my feeling is that you do need to talk with him about it even though there is a risk that this might lead to the breakdown of the family in some way .... this is not something you can go on carrying.
Maybe he will recognise how seriously out of order he was and understand your feelings ... in which case you can make your decision about the future and what you can cope with.
Or he may make light of it and think you are crazy for bringing it up after all this time ... in which case you have information about who he is and whether you want to devote the rest of your life to him.
Either way I do not think you can just sit on this and carry this mental burden into the future. I know what a toll it took on me to keep this in my heart for years, and it flashes into my mind almost daily.
So no you are not crazy. You are carrying a painful mental and emotional burden that needs to be set down somehow, either by confronting him directly or by seeking counselling to decide how best you might approach this decision.
Whatever you do I am sending fellow feeling, a hug and a hand hold.

My view is to have therapy first. If you try to speak to him as you are, he may well deny, diminish, and gaslight you. Then you will re bury everything and carry on ( you have said you have no choice), worse than ever.

You being strong inside, for yourself, must come first. You will face anything much better then.

Thank you, I can see some of that and will try and be aware of it

@LivingOnTheVeg thank you that’s really helpful , I’ve not heard of that before so I’ll look into it.

so many helpful people on here x

@Tiswa
im sorry I don’t want to mention ages or genders of the kids I’m trying to avoid those kinds of details. All the kids are under 10 . He is a genuinely lovely and caring dad

i ‘saved him’ from a life of drinking, partying, lacking purpose etc etc . I was also no angel when we met and used to drink a lot and get into unsafe situations. So he also ‘saved me’ from that for want of a better word. It was an intense relationship from the start which progressed quickly and was not always smooth sailing at the start. But we both made changes for each other .

We’ve been together over a decade now . I can’t accept that because he did what he did he doesn’t love me. I believe he does

Thank you for replying - I’ve actually updated upthread and I have now spoke to him about it. He noticed I was a ball of anxiety and I needed to get it out in the open.

He was devastated and is being very lovely and caring now. I know he is trying to make things better. I know that won’t take it back and I will still see the therapist to try and process my feelings