Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

I'm really pleased for you. Long may feeling much better last.

Please do continue with therapy. I really don't want to rain on your parade, but the high and connectedness you're feeling right now is likely to be transient. if it's all fixed and wonderful then I'm so pleased for you, but it may be that you find that other emotions and memories emerge. you may feel like you're going backwards sometimes. Changeability and transience of emotions is a big and very likely part of most people's healing journeys. The best advice is to stick with therapy for longer than you think you need.

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Being even more in love with him sounds a lot like a fawn response to me. You might find it helpful to read around the term a little more when you have time. When we feel a survivorship stress (rape counts as this, as does the memory of it) our nervous systems assume that we are in immediate peril and are desperate to find safety. When you can't easily escape from them, "Fawning" at your partner, the source of the perceived threat, is a normal and understandable response, as far as your nervous system is concerned. It's concerned with survival and it doesn't consult your rational and intelligent brain, because that takes too much time and energy. When it isn't easy to walk away from the source (your rapist), appeasing them and bonding with them is an intelligent survival strategy, to your nervous system. It's also sadly not a response that is coming from a balanced and reasonable and sensible and rational place. It isn't necessarily the best thing to do for your long term safety, or happiness. The way to know if it's a fawning or if it's genuine healthy bonding is to acknowledge to yourself how you are feeling, and make no big decisions either way (as long as you are physically safe) until the mental dust settles and your intelligent, developed parts of your brain have a chance to catch up and be involved in the conversation along with your survival instincts. That takes time and a lot of processing.

Maybe you have that relationship based on trauma/reconciliation; trauma/ reconciliation.

First you get the trauma, then the reconciliation and comfort acts as a drug ( literally). I am not saying I am right, but this is why you need to work through your feelings over time with a therapist experienced in this field.

You also said in your original post that he is financially abusive and has a bad temper which affects your children. What is it your looking for here as you're determined to put your abusive husbands feelings before that of your children's.

i started the thread for advice and I just really appreciate the support & knowing I’m not alone. Without needing to tell anyone irl

im sorry if it seems that way.

Men are generally bigger, stronger, more aggressive and more sexually demanding than women. We can live with one of them with this knowledge in the back of our minds because we trust the man that we are with to not overpower us and hurt us. You rightly dont feel safe with your dh any more because he has broken your trust in the most appalling way at a time when you were at your most vulnerable, and you have no way of ensuring that he doesn't do it again. That is no way to live. I hope therapy helps you find the strength to leave him, for your sake and your children's.

What you describe op is 100% symptoms of a trauma bond. That massive feeling of relief is literally because he’s fed the addiction he’s created in you to his approval, affection and affirmation. Please go to that therapist, this is not a normal dynamic at all.

I’m glad you are going to the therapist- they will be able to help you unpick some of the conflicting feelings you have.

It’s totally normal to feel conflicted and to have instinctive survival mechanisms that kick in to protect you. Those mechanisms sometimes fire too soon, or too late, or they encourage a behaviour that is no longer protecting you.

As long as you keep questioning the situation, you will find a way to somewhere safer. Hiding from it will only keep you safe for so long.

I think you need to stabilise your emotions @ByPinkPoet .

@ByPinkPoet what strikes me is that each more recent thread leaves another bit of info out about how abusive your husband is. I think you need some validation that it’s ok to stay and by omitting details it looks “less” abusive.
All abusers are nice about 75% of the time … it’s the 25% when they are abusive which is horrible and also confusing. This is why you do not understand your feelings for your husband. He’s not a safe person for you and to be honest, I am really sad for you.

I’m not trying to leave things out, I suppose I’m just trying to be a bit more vague than last time. I also feel like out of context the other things I mentioned blew a bit out of proportion. Like he can be grumpy when he’s stressed but it’s not all the time . And I don’t want people getting the wrong impression.

First therapy session was good. It was very hard to start talking about it, but I did. Lots of tears. She was very encouraging and I had lots of time to speak . She’s suggested I go back every fortnight which will be tricky as it’s so so expensive.

It’s interesting what you say about nice 75% of the time . Is that really true ?

it’s always been wonderful vast majority of the time for us and then some occasional red flags which I know I’ve pushed down and ignored

going waaaay back when we’d been living together together about 6 months and things were very difficult . Lots of fights, tears, feeling guilty, him going AWOL, drinking etc

I was beginning to think about it things were ‘normal’ and then we go engaged and it was beautiful again

You’re worth the expense OP. I’m sure your husband, if he is the man you believe he is, would agree. It’s very important that you keep going with this. The temptation will be to just leave it, now that he has said sorry and you have been intimate again. Please don’t look for reasons (like the cost) not to invest in supporting yourself.

@ByPinkPoet I wasn’t trying to attack you so please don’t take it that way. I want it to be your safe place and not a place you are monitored. All I am saying is the other details are part of the big picture.

Also re the 75% yes, most abusers are so charming and funny in public. But they have a different persona at home that can be unsettling. Tell me, when you both argue, does he fight to win? Will say things to insult you, dininish you and if that doesn’t fail shout you down? That’s the big difference as abusers want their way, it’s not a general rule of thumb but a big indicator.

Does he know you are going to therapy? It’s expensive but please go. You must be very drained from all the crying and re-living the past, sending you a hand hold x

Thank you. We very very rarely argue . Usually he will just walk away/ stomp and slam doors.

he does not call me names no. More like ‘I know you’re the perfect one and I’m a terrible husband/dad etc’ when I point things out

He always feels remorse after fights and says sorry

Yes I did tell him was was going to therapy x

Oh gosh.
My first husband was a bit like that.
My second husband, when I say something bothers me, says "Sorry, I was a wanker. It won't happen again" and means it.
No avoidance. No slamming doors. No sulking.

I'm not saying this to diminish your life in any way OP, just to show you what is possible behind the closed doors of a marriage. With DH#1, I didn't know this sort of life existed somewhere on the planet.

And will he be meeting those costs?

We haven’t really discussed the ongoing cost of it but yes I guess so as he’s the main earner

@ByPinkPoetPlease contact Women's Aid. They can help you. They don't make you leave. They can support you and help you with your options. Yes I've been there with abuse and I know how good they are

womensaid.org.uk/

This

Thank you I will look into it

I have looked a lot at women’s aid today and , although it is helpful (thank you) , I just can’t accept that I’m in the same situation as any of these stories of women in an abusive relationship. I have looked at the signs of an abusive relationship and honestly I don’t recognise many of them. He doesn’t frighten me, call me names, put me down or tell me what I can and can’t do. I work, go out with friends and have freedom. He looks after the money but that is for practicality and I don’t go without. I believe if I insisted to get access to our accounts he wouldn’t object.

I mentioned previously that he can lose his cool sometimes but really I don’t believe it’s outside of the realms of normal. I did share this to give some background of our situation but I think it’s made people (fair enough) think that I live in fear of him and that’s not true.

The only real issue in the forefront of my mind is the original incident of sex without consent. It’s breaking my heart because how can I get over it but also I can’t believe he really did it. I want to believe it’s possible it was just a stupid mistake on his part and that with time I will be able to recover and forgive him. My heart is breaking . I wish I could forget again . I really wish . It physically hurts to think about it :(

I read your other thread and shared my story with you.

My suggestion now would be to write a letter to your husband saying everything you want to say and asking all the questions you want to ask, and then discuss it with your therapist. Don't give it to your husband yet, but get it all out on paper and discuss it in therapy.

He doesn't need to get angry or aggressive with his control @ByPinkPoet because you are so compliant. This can often mean that you have been trained to make sure you never upset him.

Thank you this is a good suggestion, I will try to do this

it just hurts so so much