Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

You're back to minimising again sweetheart.

It's not "The only real issue in the forefront of my mind is the original incident of sex without consent", It's that he has been repeatedly raping you over a period of many years. That is one of the most serious crimes you can commit against another person. More so than anything but the most serious physical abuse.

It wasn't a one-off mistake, he has done it time and time again. You had previously told him you didn't like it when he initiated sex and you were asleep, and he continued to rape you in this was on further occasions.

Even ignoring the other concerns and blatant red flags you have raised, even if was the perfect husband otherwise, he is still a serial rapist. He is a sexual predator and you are his victim.

Please also think of your children. Think of Giselle Pelicot - he seemed like a perfectly good husband, rather than the monster he was. But his crimes were not just to his wife, but also involved voyeurism of his daughter. Of course you don't think he is a risk to them, but you're struggling to accept that he has a risk to you despite him repeatedly raping you. Objectively he seems very much like a risk, to both of you.

I've met a lot of rapists through work. Many are charming 'good' partners. But people aren't stereotypes. Rapists may well do the washing up and read their children bedtime stories. It would be much easier if they wore long trench coats and gave everyone worthers originals wouldn't it? And maybe thieves wear black and white and have a swag bag. But that's not real life and you can't see the seriousness of what he's been doing to you, because you're too emotionally involved. Mom's net is made up of thousands (millions?) of mostly women across all ages and sectors of society. Literally no one responding to any of your threads has said that what he did was okay. Everyone has been in agreement that what he did was rape, unacceptable, and that ideally you should be leaving him.

How can you get over what happened when you are living with your abuser? That's why your brain won't let you process fully what he's been doing, to protect yourself.

Please get help from women's aid, please continue with the counselling. Ideally please find strength to leave, to be your future friend, and because your children shouldn't be growing up living with a sexual predator.

Thank you for sharing all your knowledge with me. I do appreciate the supportive comments. It just hurts so much and coming to terms with it is actually so awful.

I know that the sex while alseep in is also very bad I if it just has just been that I feel I could get past it quicker - he just thought I was keen or didn’t realise. But the time with the crying there is no way he didn’t know or didn’t hear me. That’s the part which hurts the most

Why would he think you're keen? You were fast asleep. A good man would just let you sleep. With young kids, you probably don't get enough of it as it is.

He shouldn't have been waking you up in the first place, but if he did he needs to be SURE that you are keen. Again, this doesn't work as an excuse though, because you've told him you don't like it, and he's carried on doing it.

It's probably not, that he actively realises you aren't consenting, he just doesn't give a damn whether you are or not. Your consent is irrelevant in that way to him.

My suggestion is to get a joint account. See how he is with it. Don’t ‘insist’, just ask, it’s a completely reasonable request.

Ans set up regular counselling.

I do agree with you - it’s gross and he shouldn’t have done it. I’m just saying if it was just that then I think I could get through it more easily, forgive and move on and accept that it was not right but he’s going to listen now .

The other time was different and it so so upsetting to remember that incident specifically . Because I actually cried and said no and he didn’t stop and I just don’t understand why not

Ok I can do that
I think he’d be ok with it

Great.

Now part of the reason I suggested it is this. To see your reaction to the thought as well as his. Your thought was about HIS comfort with it.

You're running your decisions past an internal barometer of what you believe he will think. Not if you think it's right or fair. But what he will think. And I worry that this signifies that you have internalised his control. He doesn't need to be as externally abusive because the whips are inside your head.

The same reason that you telling him how upset you were about him raping you ended up with sex.

Please engage with counselling. It is likely to be very difficult.

You’re right . Is this not normal in a loving relationship?

the sex after the conversation happened because we were both very emotional and felt drawn to it. It wasn’t just him. Do you think he should have said no in these circumstances?

my whole world is crashing down. I don’t know what to do . Everything I thought was love i am now questioning

I think you have built everything on a house of cards, you gloss over and just see things as normal and ok because to actually see it for what it is

You don’t have to do anything except give yourself time and (I hope) keep going to therapy. Don’t put pressure on yourself to make any decisions right now, questioning is good and you can take time to do that.

On the sex after your conversation question, I would be careful of projecting your own feelings in that moment on to him.

It's normal to consider the other person's needs and wants in regard to things like holidays or dinner. Only considering his wants in regards to you having equal access to household funds isn't normal. No. He has access. Why should he have a say in you having the same as him?

The fact that you don't consider how you feel, what you need, the basic equity of it, looks like control.

Very valid points , thank you. I will take your advice . I will wait a bit though otherwise he will think it’s due to all these issues we’re having and might think I want to seperate

You're doing it right now, here, in this post - putting what he might think at the forefront of your decision making regarding when to request something that most women in healthy relationships have as a given: equal access to family money.

Anyway, who cares if he thinks it's connected to "all the issues you're having" (i.e. your psyche's refusal/inability to continue ignoring his abuse of you) - it is! He is controlling on lots of ways and you're trying to regain some control over your own life and body and marriage and finances and and and...

Who cares if he might think you want to separate? Shouldn't he be worrying about that!?

@ByPinkPoet as pp’s have said, please get out of that mindset of thinking about what he will think or feel. He’s not the main character here, you matter equally if not more than him. He needs to be worried about your week being and if you are considering leaving. Maybe it will stop him trying to have sex with you when you are asleep. It will send a message to him that you are serious and he has much to lose. He really doesn’t deserve you, you sound very caring and sweet.

Hi PinkPoet,

So when I read your initial post, most people were rightly trying to get you to see that your husband had raped you, and that was the general direction of the thread.
Later on, I started to think about how your husband behaved the following day, and how life has been since.
I’m also unfortunately familiar with dysfunctional and abusive behaviour, and with the sort of mindset these people have.
i felt very strongly that the morning after the rape, your husband would have been very aware of what he had done, and the possible consequences for him.
Had you gone straight to the police, he would have faced a rape allegation, possible prison sentence, loss of job, ruined life etc. At that point, you held the power, and it was absolutely imperative for him to stop you from wanting to report him, hence the tears, remorse etc.
Since that point, he has lived with the knowledge that he has raped you. From his point of view, the situation Is stable, as long as you feel it’s in your best interests to stay with him. As a mother to young children, it sort of is, as long as you ignore what he has done. However, he, like you, is also trapped in the situation. He has to keep on being reasonably nice, and there’s always the threat that 20 years down the line, you could break free, leave him, build another life, and go to the police.
In the same way that you’re struggling with a situation where something that should be brought into the light, can’t be, he will be too.
He can never really have a relaxed authentic relationship with you after what he has done, because he has escaped the right and just consequences of his actions through the rape not being dealt with in the way it should be.
That’s quite a pressure to live under, and could cause resentment in itself, because he’s trapped for life, having to keep things sweet with you.
This probably sounds very cynical, but I’ve been around a lot of narcissists and that’s what I felt after reading your post.

the sex after the conversation happened because we were both very emotional and felt drawn to it.

But you shouldn’t have been. That’s the problem. This discussion about the rape should never have ended that way, and you shouldn’t have wanted it to end that way. The fact that it did shows how deeply abnormal and unhealthy this marriage is. In a normal relationship you wouldn’t have wanted to let him touch you again after that incident.

I am sorry but no, none of this is normal and this isn’t a loving relationship. Please, please do not stop going to therapy whatever you do. Ideally every week. You must get support with this.

You told us on your last thread that he was sexually coercive and had often used moodiness and anger to make you have sex you didn't want with him - quite separately to the rapes.

If you aren't going to leave him - and you quite clearly aren't - my suggestion would be that you tell him that after what he did to you, you have a huge amount to work through in therapy. So, sex is completely off the table for the next several months, and stick to that.

It's a quick and easy way to see if he really has the capability to change. One hint of moodiness or sexually coercive behaviour after you've told him you're having therapy for him raping you will tell you everything you need to know and might open your eyes a bit.

Yes I get what you mean. He did accept the awfulness of what he did when I first raised it with him but he does seem to have slipped back to just kind of normal life.

some days I feel quite normal for a while and then other times I feel like I’m having a panic attack

thank you for your honesty . I do worry there is something a bit wrong with me that I still want to be intimate after everything that’s happened and is that a bit of an insult to real victims (this is just how I feel no rudeness intended to anyone) because if I was really a victim why would I want to do it?!

I felt embarrassed writing it

No, no this isn’t on you. I think it’s clear why it happened on your side. You were desperate to not feel like he’s a monster, you want everything to be normal, and you were dreading the conversation because if he acted in any other way you wouldn’t be able to ignore that he’s an abuser. Instead he reacted as you hoped, seemingly acknowledging your feelings and feeling remorse about that, and you were so relieved and grateful because you wanted to believe he’s a good man, that he loves you and that you can put the ‘bad’ things behind you.

But put yourself in his position. Someone has confronted you about how you have been raping them - including while pregnant and crying - and that it had been eating them up. Where is your head at? I know it’s hard to imagine doing these things to begin with, but let’s just say you have and have been oblivious about being wrong. You might withdraw a bit, right? Think you might need therapy yourself? Do you really think you would move on from that to have sex? Surely a bit of a dampener isn’t it?!

I don’t know him OP, but I doubt the reason he wanted sex was because he felt emotionally connected - because that was your reason. He has been drawn to having ‘sex’ with you unconscious, with you telling him no, where a close connection to you is actively not part of it. Remember that, because if the tables were turned you wouldn’t have behaved in the same way at any step of this to him would you?

Yes I think you are right. I would do anything to make it go away and not feel like this anymore .

I couldn’t imagine carrying on as normal but he doesn’t feel what I feel so he can’t every understand how much I’m hurting.

He was very very sorry and he didn’t deny it. which is what I wanted I guess. Now I just need to try and rebuild and work through the feelings with therapy

I hope it can help

He should be absolutely destroyed emotionally that his wife is having counselling to come to terms with what he did. Then again, a normal bloke wouldn't have done it in the first place.

The fact that he's now carrying on as normal and not deeply and obviously ashamed at himself saying a lot, and it's not good.

Do you think he'd go for counselling himself to help work through his issues with sexual coercion?

Don’t be embarrassed. That response you had of wanting intimacy, after the difficult conversation about the rape, was a ‘trauma bond’.

It is also possible ( but not necessarily so) that you learnt it when you were very young.

Good idea. OP mentioned he might be using sex as addiction/alcohol substitution.

About 5 years ago he was in therapy for stress, work stress mainly and how that was making him angry and short tempered at home. Also he was drinking too much and he was pretty awful when drunk. He doesn’t drink now. He did therapy for about 6 months and it helped a lot at the time.

he might be open to it again but we can’t really afford to do both of us at the same time unfortunately