Page 4 | Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

ByPinkPoet · 2026-03-01T10:38:47+00:00

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly. It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night. kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out. Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children. Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible? I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that. Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 03/03/2026 10:08

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Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 10:13

YourOliveBalonz · 03/03/2026 08:04

I agree therapy will be really important. I think it’s telling that intimacy followed that conversation. Surely a person who had just been confronted with their behaviour (to put it mildly) and actually felt deep shame and remorse wouldn’t really be in the mood? It seems like very little puts him off.

I can understand why you would write that. I felt like he did take me seriously and he did listen as I cried and told him . He said he felt emotionally close and I felt safe and loved and it went from there .

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Mischance · 03/03/2026 10:48

I hope that you will be able to take things forward from here in a positive way and that the counselling will help you.

Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 11:44

Mischance · 03/03/2026 10:48

I hope that you will be able to take things forward from here in a positive way and that the counselling will help you.

Thank you , I really hope so too as this past week has been so awful and heartbreaking 💔

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Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 19:31

Tootiredcantsleep · 03/03/2026 00:32

One thing I feel I have to say even though it might be upsetting is that it’s worse that he says he doesn’t remember his heavily pregnant wife crying while he raped her. He thinks it sounds better to say he didn’t realise you were crying, but it doesn’t. It means he is either lying (most likely) about recalling that detail or literally cared so little at the time that it didn’t register with him that his heavily pregnant wife was crying during the assault.

The other thought that strikes me, is because he's raped you so many times, he didn't remember that specific time.

Ever time he wakes you up by having sex (which has happened multiple times), he is raping you. This wasn't a one off terrible mistake, he's a serial rapist and you've been his victim for years.

He knows you don't like him starting sex when you're also, because you've told him. And yet he still does it, knowing that.

You can try to sweep this under the carpet, and he'll carry on raping you wherever he fancies. Why would you be with a man who had so little sexual control that he would do this to someone he says he lives? And how can you justify using your children live with a sexual predator?

Please carry on with the therapy. Don't let this pass. It's absolutely horrifying.

Edited

Thank you for replying, I appreciate every one even though some are hard to read. I am going back and reading them all now to make sure that I still have it in the forefront of my mind and don’t gloss over it again.

at the moment I’m still in the place where I don’t see it as black and white like that, maybe it will change I don’t know.

thank you x

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ScrollingLeaves · 03/03/2026 19:39

I am sorry I missed your update. I am glad you felt the confidence to tell him what had been on your mind.

QuaintMauveCrow · 03/03/2026 19:50

Sending you care OP 💐
there is some amazing advice on this thread, please please make sure you get some therapy.. rooting for you xxx

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2026 20:00

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 19:31

Thank you for replying, I appreciate every one even though some are hard to read. I am going back and reading them all now to make sure that I still have it in the forefront of my mind and don’t gloss over it again.

at the moment I’m still in the place where I don’t see it as black and white like that, maybe it will change I don’t know.

thank you x

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Have you told him not to initiate while you are asleep?

Rubes24 · 03/03/2026 20:09

Hi OP, I commented on your last thread and have just seen your updates. I just wanted to say please do make sure you go to the therapy sessions. If the only person you can speak to in real life about what you've been through is the person who caused your trauma, it will be very hard to process fully. I understand it is very difficult for you to reconcile with the fact that your husband raped and abused you, but please dont sweep it under the rug. Keep thinking what you would say and do if your daughter came to you and told you this had happened to her. X

Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 20:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2026 20:00

Have you told him not to initiate while you are asleep?

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Yes we spoke about this and he has promised this won’t happen anymore .

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DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 03/03/2026 20:40

I’m really worried he’s already minimised this. The wider issue is he continues to try have sex with you while you sleep. I know you feel a bit of peace after last night but please, please go to the therapy.

Has your husband tried to talk to you about this today any further? Also please keep going to therapy to yourself if you can.

Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 20:42

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 03/03/2026 20:40

I’m really worried he’s already minimised this. The wider issue is he continues to try have sex with you while you sleep. I know you feel a bit of peace after last night but please, please go to the therapy.

Has your husband tried to talk to you about this today any further? Also please keep going to therapy to yourself if you can.

No we have not discussed it today , however he is being very loving, caring , respectful making sure I’m alright etc

He has promised to be more aware and sensitive in the future

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2026 20:43

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 20:40

Yes we spoke about this and he has promised this won’t happen anymore .

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So he does acknowledge and admit some of it. Did he understand that you were not consenting?

Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 20:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2026 20:43

So he does acknowledge and admit some of it. Did he understand that you were not consenting?

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Yes he did acknowledge it . He understands I think. I think he thought it was a bit sexy or whatever and maybe I didn’t make my feelings about it clear enough. I have now

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2026 20:49

You really need to stop blaming yourself.

It's very hard for me not to feel very angry on this thread. And expressing that anger I worry that you'll either stop engaging with the threads or apologise.

For clarity, I know you want to believe in him. But he knows he's a rapist and that it's wrong. He does. No one is this stupid.

bigboykitty · 03/03/2026 20:54

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 20:44

Yes he did acknowledge it . He understands I think. I think he thought it was a bit sexy or whatever and maybe I didn’t make my feelings about it clear enough. I have now

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You are far too willing to make excuses for others and to take responsibility for things that are not your fault at all OP. I can see it even on this thread, where people have waded in with comments without RTFT and you so politely say that you've updated. The same is true when you say maybe you weren't clear enough in your communication with your H. He should be ensuring your enthusiastic consent. If he gets turned on by raping you, he's a rapist. It's on him.

I just want to echo other people's comments about sticking with your counselling. It's so important that you have a space where your voice is heard loud and clear. You're very suggestible, but deep down you know what happened, you know what's right. I really hope you will take the time to learn to trust yourself. You are a good person 💐

Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 21:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2026 20:49

You really need to stop blaming yourself.

It's very hard for me not to feel very angry on this thread. And expressing that anger I worry that you'll either stop engaging with the threads or apologise.

For clarity, I know you want to believe in him. But he knows he's a rapist and that it's wrong. He does. No one is this stupid.

Ok , thank you for all your support and advice. I appreciate it must be frustrating that my replies blame myself . My gut reaction is to say sorry but I know that’s not your intention!

I am aware that things are a bit off and thank you for helping me see that. I won’t just continue to pretend everything is fine .

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Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 21:48

bigboykitty · 03/03/2026 20:54

You are far too willing to make excuses for others and to take responsibility for things that are not your fault at all OP. I can see it even on this thread, where people have waded in with comments without RTFT and you so politely say that you've updated. The same is true when you say maybe you weren't clear enough in your communication with your H. He should be ensuring your enthusiastic consent. If he gets turned on by raping you, he's a rapist. It's on him.

I just want to echo other people's comments about sticking with your counselling. It's so important that you have a space where your voice is heard loud and clear. You're very suggestible, but deep down you know what happened, you know what's right. I really hope you will take the time to learn to trust yourself. You are a good person 💐

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Thank you this is lovely. I am so trying to trust my voice and say how I feel. I am very used to burying my emotions. It is kind that you say I am a good person, I always try to be - and a good mum.

He has promised it will never happen again and I am choosing to trust him at this time

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bigboykitty · 03/03/2026 21:53

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 21:48

Thank you this is lovely. I am so trying to trust my voice and say how I feel. I am very used to burying my emotions. It is kind that you say I am a good person, I always try to be - and a good mum.

He has promised it will never happen again and I am choosing to trust him at this time

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Just do what's right for you and keep listening to yourself x

Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 03/03/2026 22:15

bigboykitty · 03/03/2026 21:53

Just do what's right for you and keep listening to yourself x

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Thank you I will x

OP posts:

augustusglupe · 04/03/2026 05:56

ByPinkPoet · 01/03/2026 11:24

She was a very strong and brave lady - what she endured was beyond awful.

you are not wrong in some of the things I spoke about. There is a bit of a power imbalance especially with me trying to ‘keep the peace’ as it were but it’s easy to think it sounds awful out of context. In most ways he is kind and respectful and lovely to me.

When my friends complain to me about their cheating or lazy or rude husbands I sometimes think wow I’m so lucky to have mine , and then I remembered this incident . It’s a huge head fu**

He has never hurt me physically so I am not afraid in that sense.

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Cheating, lazy, rude husbands your friends may have.
But I presume their husbands aren’t rapists?
You say he hasn’t hurt you physically, but he raped you.
You need lots of counselling and maybe you’ll wake up to what he is.
Also…they’re always nice!! It’s the nice/nasty cycle that keeps you with him and he knows it.

Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 04/03/2026 10:03

Not that they have ever shared, you never know what’s really going on with peoples lives. As I am realising

Things have been much better between us the last few days. I feel like we have turned a corner . And I feel a lot better in myself

I have first therapy session today. Where do I even start !!

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shoppingred54 · 04/03/2026 10:24

You can’t see the wood for the trees, OP. It is a complete head fuck. He’ll be going all out to lure you back in because you’ve stood up for yourself. I read all your previous threads and I just want to cry for you.

Please please pursue this with your therapist. It may make you extremely uncomfortable to speak about this, but tell it all. Please do not give up on the therapy. It may not feel helpful when you are doing it, but it will do enormous good. My husband had an affair and all I concentrated on was everybody else, the children, him (?!), the impact on our wider families. My counsellor was very challenging, I had 10 sessions. I’d been with him so long, he had indoctrinated me. Very charismatic, such a great guy, loved by everyone but I always had a feeling that he was a manipulator/selfish and it turns out I was right. I regret not going with my gut feeling. I also thought he was a great father, better at parenting than me, but that facade dropped when he moved on to the next woman. I think the indoctrination thing has happened to you. You were so young when you met him, you don’t know any different. Trust your gut instinct. You only get one life. Read the Gisele Pelicot book - it’s full of hope.

shoppingred54 · 04/03/2026 10:44

There are many mentions of Gisele on this thread. A spot on review and free extract from the book. https://open.substack.com/pub/indiaknight/p/a-free-extract-from-gisele-pelicots?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

Original poster

ByPinkPoet · 04/03/2026 11:06

shoppingred54 · 04/03/2026 10:24

You can’t see the wood for the trees, OP. It is a complete head fuck. He’ll be going all out to lure you back in because you’ve stood up for yourself. I read all your previous threads and I just want to cry for you.

Please please pursue this with your therapist. It may make you extremely uncomfortable to speak about this, but tell it all. Please do not give up on the therapy. It may not feel helpful when you are doing it, but it will do enormous good. My husband had an affair and all I concentrated on was everybody else, the children, him (?!), the impact on our wider families. My counsellor was very challenging, I had 10 sessions. I’d been with him so long, he had indoctrinated me. Very charismatic, such a great guy, loved by everyone but I always had a feeling that he was a manipulator/selfish and it turns out I was right. I regret not going with my gut feeling. I also thought he was a great father, better at parenting than me, but that facade dropped when he moved on to the next woman. I think the indoctrination thing has happened to you. You were so young when you met him, you don’t know any different. Trust your gut instinct. You only get one life. Read the Gisele Pelicot book - it’s full of hope.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. So many people have and I truly appreciate every reply xx

It feels like I am going insane because since we spoke about it I feel a huge sense of relief, like the trust is back again and I’m somehow even more in love/attracted to him. Is this normal ?! The conversation was very cathartic .

but 100% I will continue with plans for therapy

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