Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

You’re right, it was uniquely awful in the long-term drugging and involving other offenders. That and her bravely waiving her right to anonymity made it international news. Your situation would not be international news, but raping someone while they sleep really isn’t a million miles away from that actually.

Your husband is a liar - unless he’s exceedingly stupid, he knows what he was doing is rape, and ignorance of that would not hold up in court in any case! The thing is though he does think you are stupid - he just only lets you know that when he’s having an outburst. Please believe me that he means it, it doesn’t come from nowhere.

I think you should leave, I've been crystal clear about that. But given you don't want to, and you believe he can and will change, he needs to show you this. There needs to be some non negotiables here that he agrees to:

• sex totally off the table for at least a month, with no him trying to persuade you, no atmosphere. Even if you initiate, he's to say no. Hugging and cuddling is fine but it cannot and must not lead to sex.
• him sorting access for you and the joint account immediately. He was lying when he said it was tricky. It's not.
• if he feels a grey around the kids he is to use a code word to you to signify that he needs a time out for a few minutes. Then he has a breather and comes back. No outbursts, no throwing things, no shouting insults.
• he needs to understand that if he risks your lives like that in an car again, you'll leave.
• you continue with your therapy (but get a different therapist - yours sounds rubbish).

If he doesn't agree to all of this, without quibble, you have your answer. If he does, then he is starting baby steps of changing. It'll be upto him to see he follows it through, and for you to see if it's enough.

Please understand that I am trying

I have always been the type of person that believes people can change and learn from their past mistakes .

I am really trying
its not so easy to just be like ok I’m walking out today. Not for me and my situation anyway

I do sometimes say to him it makes me sad that he gives all his best at work and we get the cross parts of him. But his job is quite stressful and can be long hours which explains why he comes home pissed off sometimes.

he says it’s normal and all his mates are the same . They need time to de stress when they get in.

He says it's normal, a lot of what you have posted is around your surprise that what many are telling you is not normal and abusive behaviour is actually not common or normal.

So I have to wonder where your definition of normal has come from? Did your dad come home in the evenings in unpredictable moods and shout at you? How does his behaviour compare to your dad's towards your mum, do you think?

Then you need to demand the change then, like @Tootiredcantsleep has outlined. If you believe change is possible you have to be firm about what is needed and your expectations, not hoping he will just improve.

If someone drove erratically with my child in the car in temper I wouldn’t wait for an apology. They would be getting it both barrels and my child would not be driven by them again. If you can’t face leaving, you need to at least stand up to protect your children - and if you really feel you can’t do that, he would be too volatile, then what hope is there?

Thank you.
This feels manageable
I will

The car thing hasn’t happened for a year or longer so I hope he’s realised that it is dangerous

Completely understand that this is all a huge shock to you as he’s brainwashed you into believing it’s normal behaviour.

But I want to check OP, do you believe us now that your children are living in an abusive household? I’m unclear as to whether you think everyone is over reacting or not?

His behaviour is so abusive that were your children to disclose it at school, the safeguarding lead would be obliged to report what is happening in your home.

I also wanted to check if you believe us when we tell you that them being exposed to the cycle of ‘explosive temper, big apologies, trying to keep him happy, explosive temper, big apologies etc’ is a huge contributing factor to children growing up into adults who get into abusive relationships?

You need to put your children first by not teaching them that this behaviour is acceptable. No matter what you tell them in your words, staying with him teaches them this behaviour is normal and acceptable.

Sadly your situation is not unique, OP. That’s why you need to call the helpline. Don’t be afraid. It’s confidential (or is he in the police/judiciary - is that why you’re worried?). One step at a time.

I cannot remember a single occasion by dad coming home from my childhood . Is that odd? I know he worked late a lot

my memories of him are mainly from my mid teens + when he retired

Yes , I believe you. I am still struggling as it was such a shock, but I am now starting to believe it.

I can definitely see the cycle of behaviour that you refer to . I can recognise it now.

@shoppingred54 He is not in the police no. But he is a huge part of every aspect of our lives, most of our friends are his friends from work or ‘couple ‘ friends. He knows everyone I know, very well. Apart from my one friend from before.

I think this is a really good suggestion. In a normal healthy relationship it is fine to set very clear boundaries. You shouldn't be scared to say very clearly: that behaviour is a red line for me, this is the impact it has on me and the children, it is not acceptable to me and I will not tolerate it again. If he is the man you think he is then he will not react badly to this and he will action those changes. It is NOT out of his control, it is a choice. If it were not an active choice then he would be shouting at colleagues, calling his boss an idiot, throwing plates in the work canteen- but quite clearly he is deciding not to do that even if his day is incredibly stressful. Looking after 4 children can be stressful! Sometimes you must feel frustrated with your kids (i know i do!), but you have a choice and you choose not to terrify them as he does.
Because of my childhood, when I was pregnant with my first I sat my husband down and said just so you know, I will never tolerate shouting, or slamming doors around kids- discipline and consequences are fine, but a red line for me is any behaviour that would frighten or intimidate a child. I had no reason to believe he would behave like that but it was important to me to ensure we were 100% aligned. He didnt bat an eyelid and has never done any of the above. If you are determined to stay then please try and find the strength to set those boundaries for your children. If he cant do that then you really do have your answer.

But can’t you see that he has had lots of chances to change and still hasn’t? He leads you along time and time again. He won’t change OP. He doesn’t need to, he has full rein to do whatever he wants.

Perhaps a little unusual, but not if he was always working later than bedtime.
How do you think your husband's behaviour to you and your children compares to your dad's behaviour to you and your mum, when you were little?

Yes - I see what you mean. We didn't have any of these conversations before the children came along.

I will try to have this conversation. It will be tough- I don’t think he will be angry. He never is when we have these big conversations which is what makes me feel so heard and loved. He really listens and agrees. he becomes very upset and then I feel guilty. I do understand how messed up this is.

This thread will be full soon OP, please start a new one so we can continue to support you.

Even if he feels upset and you feel guilty, please don't have sex with him. At least a month.

Did the request for a joint account get ignored in the end OP?

I hope you can see now that your children are being actively abused just as you are. I know it's hard, and a lot to take in. It's obvious you didn't realise how much harm this is doing to them, so hopefully once you process it all, you can start to take steps to protect them.

My ex partner does this too. Says what you want to hear. But doesn’t follow through with any action. It’s part of the manipulation and getting their own way. Keep taking notes.
You’re going to need another thread!

Sweetheart, your husband rapes and abuses you, and abuses your children. He might have been happy, but you aren't, and your children aren't.

💖

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5511678-tw-sa-2nd-thread-support

I have made a new one. I appreciate every message of support. This is so helpful for me . Thank you

I don’t expect everyone to keep giving up their time replying but I appreciate it so much

makes me feel less alone

@ByPinkPoet0 your thread is nearly full. Please let us know if you set up a new one so we can listen and support x

I posted the link just above x

@ByPinkPoet0 thank you! I saw it after … half asleep today xxx