Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Your update reminds me so much of my own childhood. The behaviours you are describing are exactly the same. I can assure you that never knowing which version of your parent you are going to get IS harming your children. Just because they still love their Dad it does not mean they are not in the same cycle of abuse as you. It is their normal, they dont know any different. You love your husband and yet he rapes you, that dosent mean those rapes dont deeply effect you. For me (and both my siblings) walking on egg shells in our childhood did have long term effects. As an adult I have had to battles against these effects. Luckily I have a husband who would never dream of doing any of the above and as an adult I know this is absolutely not normal.
Im sorry, I cant imagine how hard this all is to hear. I know its so difficult to reconcile because to you its just one incident of shouting/ throwing things etc a month, but to your kids those are terrifying events that will be causing a trauma response.

Gosh OP i really thought it was "just" the entitlement to sex that was the problem.

My DH has never ever punched or smashed anything in the house, or called me or the kids names. It's not normal or acceptable. This isn't "lovely man who gets it wrong occasionally", he is horrible!

I said this to my friend that we never know which version of him is going to come home from work.

That's so so sad and again, indicative of you all modulating your behaviour so as not to upset the big man. Really not healthy or normal.

And fucking around in the car while irritated (driving too fast etc) with you and the kids in the car?

Are you joking?? That's incredibly dangerous!

Please please don't accept that any longer. It's a horrible, horrible red flag, he doesn't care about risking your lives. Car crashes are incredibly common. Two kids in my DC's school have lost parents to them.

I am truly shocked and heartbroken by the replies. I would never knowingly cause them any harm or upset.

I really, really believed that this kind of behaviour , infrequently (as in not everyday) is normal and something most couples would deal with. I would have NEVER called it abuse. Life is stressful and some men don’t deal with it well. This is what I thought.

I don’t know what to do. I am so sad and I just feel sick with guilt and upset.

The problem is that the good times are so, so good and I always feel like they outweigh the bad times. I think he feels like that too.

OP this is challenging your whole way of living. I understand it’s a lot. You must feel sick. We are trying to help you. You’ve become so accommodating of his behaviour that you think it is normal. I appreciate this is very difficult. Can you speak to your very good friend?

It no longer matter what he feels Poet.
Yes, people can get tetchy and irritable.
But this is not the same.
This is a cycle of abuse and your children will alter their behaviours to try and delay or stop him getting angry.
Being watchful and placating as a child builds trauma. It negates normal development.
You never ever feel safe.

I can try and speak to her. She lives overseas

I feel physically sick

how is this my life . We were so so happy :(

Oh my darling this man is abusive and it is in front of the children too. They will be effected by this. I know you can't bear it but it's the truth..

My dad was like that. Losing his temper, smashing things, shouting and screaming. I lived in fear of him not because I was afraid he'd hurt me physically but because of the emotional hurt this caused me. I lost all respect for my mum because she put up with it and didn't stop it.

The thing is when people lose their temper like that they can lose control completely. My dad once started by throwing something at the wall ( pretty common) but couldn't stop. He ended up smashing the entire house up with a lump hammer. Yes, it was 'only once '. Once was enough and I was so scared he'd do it again. So he tended to get his own way after that.

Do you see what these men do to ensure they get their own way?

I promise you, his behaviour is so far from normal when it comes to how he treats you AND how he treats the children that it’s shocking and made me gasp.

These poor children are being routinely abused (once a month is routine and I suspect there are other instances of abuse going on that perhaps you aren’t even aware of because you haven’t registered them as abusive) and they are being forced to grow up in a situation that is hugely damaging to them.

Please believe us when we say we aren’t saying this to make you feel bad or shame you. We are all just so worried about your children. The damage this type of abuse (never knowing if you’ll get nice dad or scary dad) is long lasting and severe and a huge pre indicator to abusive relationships when they are teens and adults.

You said earlier in the thread that if you thought they were being harmed you would leave him. I know you don’t feel ready but you need to try to get your head around the fact that either you stay with him and continue to facilitate the abuse of your children now you know they’re being abused, or you put their wellbeing first and leave him.

It doesn’t matter that they love him. You love him and he has raped you, sexually assaulted you, lied to you, been gaslighting you, verbally abused you (calling you an idiot) and put you in danger (erratic driving). Not all ‘love’ is healthy. This certainly isn’t.

It’s time to put them first now you are starting to see that they are being abused x

And to think he loves making new babies to be born. What control.

But you weren’t really happy. You were giving in to him constantly, treading on eggshells in case he kicked off, dreading waking up with him touching you, trying to appease him in case you upset him, then tying yourself up in knots about the rape, and the list goes on… Just because you have a nice afternoon out with the kids one day, it doesn’t equate to a happy home life for you or them.

Please start thinking of this as what it really is. Domestic abuse against you and your children. Find your anger. He doesn’t give a shit and placates you all with love bombing on repeat.

It’s difficult for you to see the wood for the trees at the moment but honestly nobody here is trying to blame you or make your life harder, we all want the best for you and your children. You deserve a happy life. This isn’t it.

“I don’t know what to do. I am so sad and I just feel sick with guilt and upset.
The problem is that the good times are so, so good and I always feel like they outweigh the bad times. I think he feels like that too.”

OP the guilt and shame are not yours to bear - you come across as a good, kind person trying to make sense of an awful situation. As PP have said no-one is accusing you - the comments here are to try and help you to see and make sense of what’s happening.

The good times aren’t that good - it’s just they’re much better than the very bad times. He’s conditioned you and your DCs to walk on eggshells and adapt your behaviour when he’s angry and then he rewards you with ‘nice’. Please believe everyone when we say that you can have a future where there is good without the awful, but (and I’m sorry as I know this is hard), it’s not with him.

Are the good times partly good out of relief that they're not the bad times?

"Bad times" within a relationship should be when someone's been a bit thoughtless or something. Not deliberately demonstrating their control over your lives by dangerous driving, repeated name-calling, or physical aggression!

Life IS stressful but any adult knows full well this isn't "dealing with it well". He knows but doesn't want to change, because that's extra work for him and the only people who would benefit are you and the kids - not a priority.

Is he like that with his colleagues? Does he punch things at work or smash their coffee cups? Or is he magically able to work out how to deal with stuff when he knows he might be held accountable?

I'm not telling you to leave as that needs to be something you choose for yourself.

The thing is @ByPinkPoet0 it’s never him that’s terrified. What you think about him and the good times is wrong, if he was brought up in an abusive family, this is normal for him, and sadly if you continue to bring your children up in this environment it sadly will be for them too when they grow up. They will either abuse or be abused. It’s not us just saying it, there are patterns to show it. I myself am that statistic. I’m in adage and secure relationship now and it’s so different.

No - the good times are really really good. We’ve had wonderful times and many many occasions when I’ve thought to myself how lucky I am to have him.

I think he knows he does wrong and is in a constant state of trying to make it better. He often texts me during the day to tell me how he’s sorry, he’s trying so hard to be the man I deserve and so on

im not excusing it I’m just answering your first question

Genuine question - how do you get to a point where you feel that your kids lives would be better with you separated - and therefore he has them without you?

At least if I’m there I can manage it.
I just don’t think I could. It would break me.

@ByPinkPoet0

Has he admitted to the rape or sexual assaults anywhere in writing?

From a child’s perspective OP the difference between you leaving or staying has hugely different messaging when it comes to what the believe is acceptable.

You leave him: Dad is still scary sometimes and I don’t like it, it’s not what I want from my own life as an adult and I know it’s not OK because mum showed me that by not continuing to tolerate the scariness.

You stay: Dad is still scary sometimes and I don’t like it, but mum loves him and has stayed with him and let him call us names, shout at us, slam doors and drive in a scary way to punish us for years so it must be ok for people to do that or she would have left him.

But OP, you have recently realised that your view of him/your life is skewed so when you say that you have felt lucky to have him, can you not see that is part of your warped sense of love?

I'm sorry to say, PinkPoet, that your good times are built on a fantasy. They are the gaps between his abusive outbursts (although he is abusive every day to you around sex). Every 30 days or so, he has a horrific, abusive outburst. After that you all creep around trying not to upset him, smiling, nodding, joining in the 'fun' and the 'let's pretend we're a happy family'. No one can feel emotionally or physically safe in this climate. No one IS safe in this climate.

This is what your children are seeing, hearing and learning every day. Has one of your children become abusive themselves yet? I can tell you from experience just how horribly that hits. My adult child sees their F once or twice a year to appease him because 'it's easier for me to do that that deal with his reaction if I were to stop seeing him as I would like'.

I know it's a lot. Please just keep posting and keep on with your awakening.

In messages it has been alluded to but not explicitly stated. Like ‘I’m ashamed of what happened ‘

I would never ever do anything with to bring that part of it into the open if that’s what you mean. It would ruin both our lives. I know I shouldn’t care about his but I do still care. And he would absolutely double down on me being a liar to protect himself. I wouldn’t want my mum knowing, or my kids one day. No way .

This is what Gisele Pelicot means when she says "the shame must change sides".

I agree with this so much, OP. I loved my abusive F, mainly because my DM kept telling me (and my siblings too) that he was a ‘wonderful father’. Despite knowing that he ‘smacked us too hard’. (She obviously didn’t know about the CSA, so I don’t blame her for that.) Like your DH, my F could be fun and loving, telling us bedtime stories etc.

The result was that it all completely messed with my head, I repressed the memories of the CSA and developed distressing PTSD flashbacks, which I couldn’t place. I also grieved for my abuser when he died. It was just so messed up.

Once again, I’m not suggesting that your DH would sexually abuse your DC, but the mixed messaging itself messed with a child’s head. My F would suddenly get angry and smack us. We used to be constantly walking on eggshells. I often didn’t know what I’d done wrong. I still even now find myself saying sorry constantly.

And her case - my god so awful. In her situation of course she was right to come forward.

My situation is different.

What would it take for you to put your children first OP?

If that’s not a route you’re willing to go down, then while it’s tempting to reason that you should stay to protect them from his outbursts, you really need to understand the below.

From a child’s perspective OP the difference between you leaving or staying has hugely different messaging when it comes to what they believe is acceptable.

You leave him: Dad is still scary sometimes and I don’t like it, it’s not what I want from my own life as an adult and I know it’s not OK because mum showed me that by not continuing to tolerate the scariness.

You stay: Dad is still scary sometimes and I don’t like it, but mum loves him and has stayed with him and let him call us names, shout at us, slam doors and drive in a scary way to punish us for years so it must be ok for people to do that or she would have left him.

Men like him don’t actually go for 50/50 custody by the way. They say they will to scare and control you but the reality of having to parent half the time around their work and their lifestyle very, very, very rarely sees this come to fruition. It’s just another way to control you, as are the rages, the subsequent love bombing and the brainwashing you to believe you have a special love that is so intense you can’t live without each other.

Your children’s wellbeing and their future expectations of relationships is dependent on whether or not you teach them this behaviour is unacceptable (by leaving) or acceptable (by staying).

I’m so sorry that he’s so abusive and manipulative that the responsibility for making this hard decision falls to you but that’s the reality. He will never act in anything other than his own best interests.

You know he isn’t a good man deep down as you have said you believe he will be cruel and nasty if you were to leave him. That’s so far from normal OP. If I left my partner he would be gutted but he wouldn’t be cruel, he wouldn’t punish me, he wouldn’t make my life hell. The fact you believe your husband would means that you are starting to see him for who he is.

He is a monster who has made you believe he is a family man. What kind of family man name calls children? Punishes them with terrifying driving? Rapes their mother? Sexually assaults her while she sleeps? Wakes her at 5am for sex she has said she doesn’t want, which usually ends up rough which she doesn’t like? I beg you to speak to women’s aid and tell them everything. Tell them about the driving, the name calling, everything x