Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Thank you everyone who’s took the time to post supportive messages. I am not coming to terms that it was an awful thing and what that means. It’s very hard

I will definitely speak to the therapist this week and try to untangle my own feelings

Give yourself time.

I would suggest waiting until you have began therapy and explore it there first, then hopefully learn some really good grounding exercises so that when you do have that discussion you can keep yourself calm before during and after

Be patient and kind to yourself. These things take a long time to untangle. Are you sleeping better? Focus on self care, eat and drink little and often if you are finding it hard, don’t neglect yourself as I know it’s hard when you have kids and so much going on in your head x

You might not get the response you're hoping for from him. I'm in a similar situation. I desperately wanted to understand why my DH thought having sex with me that I couldn't agree to was acceptable. There will never be an explanation that I can accept because it just shouldn't happen.

I'm attending therapy. It's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I wish you nothing but support and positivity, OP.

Thank you for sharing . If you’re comfortable saying do you feel like you still love him and want to be with him?

Does he know you feel that way?

Yes I am sleeping a little better thank you, I have lost weight this week as eating feels difficult

Having a high sex drive is no excuse, you can satisfy that on your own.
OP, what excuse can he give that will make you feel better about it?

We're still together and I do love him and I hate him too. He's hurt me a great deal. I'm mostly still with him because we have children and financially I can't afford to move out.

He did this to me several times and it took me a lot of strength to confront him and stop it. It's nearly killed me, to be brutally honest. Things are starting to improve for me now and I'm feeling stronger, mostly due to the work I'm doing with an excellent therapist.

Keep posting, OP. It's a tough road ahead and I wish you well.

Agree with PP who suggest not bringing it up right now.
Having read your previous threads you are omitting a lot here, maybe to get different answers?
You are in a marriage to a man you met as a very vulnerable young woman and your whole stance on what a healthy relationship has been skewed ever since.
It isn’t just an isolated incident from three years ago, and that on its own is traumatic enough.
When our brain tries to take on too much trauma it literally freezes - it’s like an email server which goes down.
You are trying to process thoughts and memories and your server is down.
A really good trauma therapist will help and it will take more than a session.
I think you are trying to look for stories of redemption to soothe your mind but, sadly, there aren’t any.
Trying to find out why he is the way he is, won’t help you.
Trying to reason with him won’t help you. You have spoken before about the ‘reasons’ he gives and they are all bullshit.
But what you can do is get some help. The therapist will understand, they will believe you and hopefully will work with you.
When was Gisèle Pelicot was shown actual film footage of what was happening for a while she denied it was her husband. She went into complete denial.
It was only went she faced it that she was able to act on accepting that what he did was horrific.
So sorry you are feeling so low but seeing a therapist is a HUGE step. Just get to that and take it.

Oh please don't use ChatGPT to respond to mumsnet threads, especially ones as sensitive as this

@ByPinkPoet try nourish yourself even if you don’t feel like it - banana, small handfuls of nuts and seeds, light meals, have whatever you wish. Don’t let this consume you. It’s alot to process but take it one step at a time, at your own pace. Keep posting, we are all behind you xx

Thank you for sharing that ❤️ I hope you begin to feel better too. It’s great that therapy is helping.

I don’t feel any hate at the moment - just confusion

I think the problem might be, that he might not really think it’s a big deal. He doesn’t want to be one of ‘those’ men, but he does want sex with his wife whenever he fancies it.

Many many men, just don’t get the idea of needing consent every time, that we can decide whether or not we want sex on each occasion. They somehow internalise/rationalise it as perfectly normal to have sex with their wife. Why wouldn’t she want it?

To learn that you might now think he’s one of ‘those’ men, that’s all he’s really bothered by. That you think that of him. Not that that’s what he did.

There is a growing trend of posting AI written responses on mumsnet. I and many many others users object. Please don't insult our intelligence by trying to claim ChatGPT didn't write your post and the following one. Write your genuine authentic thoughts! Connect with OP human to human. You don't need to run your thoughts through an AI before they can be read by others. Have the confidence of your own imperfect mind.

OP, I am pleased you are going to talk to a therapist. It is very easy for us all to tell you you ought to do x or Y- it doesn’t follow that it’s easy for you to do it. I actually think that the advice from RC that you should speak to your husband before the therapist was unhelpful- you are in the driving seat. You will know when you feel ready to speak to him and what you want to say. It’s ok to take your time.

Thank you x
I will definitely take your advice.

The bind you're in about telling him OP, is that what you want to hear is that he admits what he did, accepts the damage it has done to you, and acknowledges that it was entirely and without question his own choice, his responsibility and that he is to blame. But the kind of man who rapes his pregnant wife while she's crying is not going to do this. What he will do is lie that it never happened and gaslight you. And/or blame you in multiple ways for it: His "needs" weren't being met; he loves you so much he can't resist you; you should have stopped him; you've not complained before, and all the other manipulative bullshit from the abuser's handbook. I hope you get what you need through therapy. You won't get it from him.

It ended up all coming out this evening. He could tell something was up and I had been anxious and he asked me to open up about it. I felt comfortable doing so and I did.

He was so sad that I was still upset about it all these years later. He admits he doesn’t really remember the incident and definitely doesn’t remember the crying but he accepts it happened and that it was very wrong. He was not in a good head space at the time. He didn’t try to minimise it or claim it didn’t happen. He apologised a lot and was devastated that he hurt me and that I kept it inside for so long. I feel a weight has been lifted now it’s out in the open. The conversation / cuddles and forgiveness felt very special .

I have hope that with therapy too I can move past this and we can be happy

thank you to everyone who took the time to read and respond

Can I gently suggest something OP? Please, please still go to therapy. And perhaps consider taking intimacy off the table until you’ve had a few sessions.

The reason I say this is that after your conversation, there could be a bit of what is called ‘hysterical bonding’ (ignore the horrible name!) which I’ve pasted a description of below. This can be followed by regret when one or both partners realise it was an attempt to sort of rush through the traumatic stage and convince themselves everything is fine and back on track.

Hysterical bonding is an intense, often subconscious, emotional and physical, and frequently sexual, reconnection phase that occurs between partners after a major relationship crisis. It is a temporary, trauma-induced coping mechanism driven by fear of abandonment, guilt, or the need to regain security.

Please don’t cancel individual therapy OP. And please be completely honest about what happened.

One thing I feel I have to say even though it might be upsetting is that it’s worse that he says he doesn’t remember his heavily pregnant wife crying while he raped her. He thinks it sounds better to say he didn’t realise you were crying, but it doesn’t. It means he is either lying (most likely) about recalling that detail or literally cared so little at the time that it didn’t register with him that his heavily pregnant wife was crying during the assault.

Him saying he doesn’t recall you crying at the time is him minimising it. It is him claiming it didn’t happen how you remember.

I wish I could give you a big hug and scoop you up away from him but I respect that you aren’t in a headspace where you want to leave. As I say, please be honest with your therapist so that you can get some professional help x

This is an excellent post.

Thank you for your kind reply - I really do appreciate every one.
We were already intimate after the conversation so you are probably right.

I think he just wants to make me feel comfortable and happy and make it better

I will continue with the plan for therapy x

I have experienced something similar and had a really good ptsd trauma therapist if you want a recommendation, if you don’t feel comfortable with your one this week. Unfortunately the feelings won’t go away, and avoidance of them makes them 100x worse eventually so I’d still move forwards with the appointment. Hope you are coping ok.