Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

I would love to have a daughter who comes home so often but I would wonder how she gets that time off work and why she wants to come for a month at a time. Does she bring her children?

Sounds like she's very happy living her life. Aren't you happy for her. Is there a problem??

I would be happy that my daughter was living the way that she wanted to and that I saw her regularly.

What do you mean by "what would you tell her?" Tell her about what?

Is this you op? I would be proud that she had turned into a lovely young lady. When the daughter comes home for up to a month does she bring her children? I’d love to see my grandchildren often if I was the mum.

Is she working when she comes home for a month at a time op? Can she work from wherever she is? What is the purpose of her visit?

Reverse. What does your mum think you should be doing that you’re not?

How would we feel about what?

I just don’t understand.
Are you bragging OP?

I would be happy that she was loving life and doing well, and be proud of all that she had achieved.

If I were my mother I would constantly criticise everything (bad mother for working and not focussing on her children; ridiculous job; husband not good enough; other siblings are much better people; why on earth does she live abroad; her friends aren't real friends and are just waiting to backstab her; children's schools aren't good enough; they aren't doing well enough which is all their parents' fault) and complain constantly that she didn't see or hear from her enough.

I’d be really happy and pleased that my daughter snd her family are settled and that she finds the time to spend lengthy periods of time with me especially given the distance.

She sounds kind and thoughtful.

Id be proud to have her as my loving daughter.

I didnt mean it to be a reverse, I am the daughter and interested in what mothers of adult children thought of this scenario. I wasn't pretending to be the mother in the scenario, sorry if it came across that way.

I always bring the kids home and I work term time so can bring them during school holidays or pop home for a weekend.

How would I feel?
I would be really happy that she has a good life but slightly sad that she didn't live closer.

What would I tell her?
How pleased I was that her life was turning out so well and that I love her.

Why are you asking OP?

Edited to say I've just seen your update OP.and it sounds as though you are feeling guilty about not seeing your Mum more often. Don't be

It would be lovely for her to come home for a month, but slightly abnormal so I’d worry why she needed to come home for an extended visit. Does she come by herself?
Other than that, I want my daughters to have more than I had so if she found somewhere amazing to live and was thriving, I’d be proud.
I’d miss her a lot but a video call once a week/texts and I’d be happy.

Bragging? No, I am setting the scene that I have what on paper looks like a healthy life but my mother never had anything positive to say about it. It is really emotionally draining and upsetting. I couldn't explain the situation without revealing the true nature of my life.

This resonates a bit with me (in daughter position) - I think so much depends on context, my parents are 'old' so I feel guilty but they are happy and healthy and pleased I have the life that I do. Maybe if they were old and lonely they would feel differently. I sometimes wish I could pop round on a more regular basis rather than a focused time when I get back but facetime helps. I have chosen a route of return fairly regularly but not for quite as long a stay so my visits are fairly frequent but shortish -I'm lucky enough to do this as I don't work. As a parent I hope I would feel really pleased that my child was living what looked to be a good life and that their actions reflect the level of care that they obviously still feel. Some people may have children living much closer who don't seem to bother.

I think it sounds amazing, I’d love this for my DD. Most parents just want their kids to be happy surely.

I’m surprised you want to come home so often if your mother is so critical.

Well this makes sense.
My partner is in a job that is highly paid and sought after in another country (amazing country) and we looked into relocating there.
Briefly mentioned it to my Dad and my god, you’d have thought I’d slapped him with a cast iron pan.
Does your Mum care more about you being there for her rather than you being happy?

Can your mother come out and visit you?

OP

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way. She had a choice though when it came to you and she took the path of doing to you what was likely done to her by her parents. What if anything do you know about her childhood/family background as that often gives clues.

Where is your dad?. Is he still around?.

I’d be extremely happy for her. I would tell her exactly that.

Do you still seek her approval even now?. If so stop doing that because she will never give it to you. You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with her rather than the one you actually got.

My sister moved to Germany (so only a 1.5hr flight but still a flight/loooooong journey by road/rail) 14 years ago. She has married a German man, has dual citizenship, a permanent job that would not be available to her in the UK. and 2, soon to be 3, DC. She comes back here 3-4 times a year but never for a month at a time!

My parents miss her and the grandkids, but are very proud and happy for her. They go over 1-2 times a year and have a great time - my mum has been learning German with U3A! They would love for her to be closer, but would never say or push for anything like that. Tbh I live in the UK about 2 hours drive away and they'd probably like to see us more as well!

Sorry, but I still don't understand.

Is she not happy about you coming home for a month?
Are you not happy as she is not vocalising how well you are doing?

If as I suspect your Mother is a narc then you will never please her.