Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

Well the thing is, I am slowly coming to understand that so much of what I desperately try to do to be a good daughter is out of duty. I have been talking to other expat mums about our lives abroad and have said to them 'yes but the guilt is awful' and they have all been like 'what guilt?'. I'd say 'oh you know, abandoning your parents'. They always say 'but its your life' and every time someone says that to me I feel like some kind of app is crashing in my mind. Like I am a robot and something is glitching.

If I were your mum I'd love seeing you and your family. I'd be I proud of you and happy for you and would tell you that until I was blue in the face. I'd also probably spoil you all rotten whilst you were here.

I would definitely offer to come to you once or twice a year to save you the trouble and expense and to see you in your own home, meet your friends and enjoy watching you living your own lives.

Make sure you live your own life love. You don't exist to meet your mum's needs and from the sound of it she might be someone who will never be happy or satisfied.

She is generally critical, but never comes outright with anything to say she is angry I have left (she used to and it all blew up a few years ago-she knows not to say it blatantly as my dad will be angry with her). However she has her ways. Any time she talks about anyone she knows whose kids have left, she says its 'so sad'. Her cat gets spooked by my kids and she says its because 'they're strangers'. When I tell her about something that happened in my job or my life generally she generally just says 'oh' or else will say something really subtly diminishing such as 'gosh i would hate that' or 'that sounds complicated, who could be bothered with that'. I am not bragging but trying to share my life. I stopped telling her negatives because she always found a way to turn any of my problems into being my fault. So I tried to focus on nice things that happen and she turns that into a negative somehow.

I think this is a really ordinary scenario. Lots of people I know live 3 hours from their parents and don’t bring the kids to visit on school holidays (they have to work).

If this was my dd, I’d be travelling to visit her more rather than her coming to me all the time as easier me to travel with no small dc. I’d stay in a hotel to not be in the way if necessary or make her feel she needed to entertain me. I could take the kids out for days out and treat them to lunch or dinner.

I live an 8 hour flight from my mum. We are NC now for totally unrelated reasons (I am now grateful for the distance), but where I lived was never an issue. I have a happy life, good lifestyle, happy marriage, well adjusted kids.

It’s not good enough for your mother?

Then it’s good you live far away from her.

If you joined the nuns, it would be the wrong Order.

She is jealous of your life OP.

It sounds a sad situation.

Instead of always trying to placate her, maybe say something like we are not coming to visit this next holiday as it seems to becoming a bit stressful for you. Although then your dc won't see their grandparents as much, it will relieve some of the pressure off of you.

You don't always have to be at their beck and call just because you moved away. Don't let her make you feeling guilt for making your life better. And it sounds like you are spending all your free time visiting them.

She sees it as rejection. Of her, her way of life, her way of parenting, her life and the life she wanted for you weren’t good enough for you. That’s the root.

I’m the parent and we moved abroad from adult DC when they were in their mid twenties.

We fly back to see both families at least once a year but I wouldn’t expect them to give up all their precious holiday time visiting us more frequently. Luckily, we do live in a large house on the coast in a nice area so they do enjoy their visits to us.

In your shoes, I’d dial back considerably on the visits for at least a year to re-set her ridiculous expectations.

You’re an adult now and entitled to live your life how you choose and she needs to respect that.

I have adult kids and have lived close to them, hours away in the same country, in different countries, and even different continents. I want them to be happy and healthy. I am not their responsibility, and I agree with your other immigrant friends that you haven’t abandoned your parents and should not feel guilty.

I would miss her but be very happy for her.
My dd moved hundreds of miles away in the UK when she was 19.
I thought moving in with her bf she met online would be short lived.A decade later I know she has built a lovely life in a place she loves.
I appreciate when I get to see her about 3 times a year.
I miss her company but admire her resilience to move from all her friends and family and start again.

God, even before I moved abroad I didn't see my mum this often, she'd have thought I was mad. I see her more now because she likes to visit me in the sunshine.

Your mum is never going to be happy no matter what you do @Mossandtwine, so I'd spare myself the hassle of visiting so often if I were you (and for a month! how do you not kill each other?).

My dd lives on the other side of the world. She comes to visit once a year (note I dont use the term home as her home is in another country), and we facetime regularly.
I raised her to be independant and her own person. I am so so proud of the life she's made for herself and would be horrified if I ever thought she felt guilty.
This is your mum's problem not yours, and I suspect even if you lived in the UK you would be made to feel guilty over something or another.
Just visit with no expectations, then you won't be so upset; you won't change her.
I will add that if she's spouting her nonsense in front of your children you may need to have a firm word with her.

I would be thrilled that she visits so often and stays so long.

That could well be true. When my youngest child was born I was so proud to be a new mum but she seemed so critical of everything I did and sometimes one piece of criticism would contradict the last piece. It started during the toddler years when differences in parenting become more pronounced I guess. She commented that she noticed my child wasn't scared of me, and she said it like it was an insult

I have a DD in Oz. I sometimes don't see her in person for a year at a time, we Facetime, but she has work and a home and a partner (and is about to have a baby) so she's not free to just buzz over to visit.

And I am delighted. Not about her not being able to visit, I'd love to see more of her but I know that her job is demanding, the mortgage needs paying, she's got friends and a life over there. I am beyond proud of her fabulous job and big house and gorgeous partner and although I will miss seeing my grandson grow up, that is what social media and video calls are for!

I would gush that I was so proud of them all. I would visit once a month and help out for a day or two.
I would phone them once a week and send the children letters.
I would enjoy taking my daughter out for lunch when she visited. I'd go on some lovely walks and I would thank her for visiting and inform her that she didn't need to come so often if she would prefer not to..

Yes i think there is jealousy in there for sure. We have such a nice life and its very interesting too, becoming part of a different culture, learning the language and all of the adventures which that has brought through the years.

@Mossandtwine Are you an only child OP?

I would be so happy and relieved if my daughter were happy. There are so many shit men out there..Carry on as you are.

The question to ask yourself is:

“Would her behaviour be any different if you lived round the corner.”

And the answer is “no”. Because reasonable parents who are sad that their children move away get over it, they get used to it. They get excited about seeing their D.C. and GC and try hard not to let anything spoil the time they have together.

It doesn’t sound like you are that far away if you can come home for a weekend, so it isn’t logistically that different to an adult D.C. who lives in London while their parents are in Scotland and that’s really common.

You sound like a good daughter, you are doing your best. Let go of the guilt. Stop expecting your Mum to be someone else and try to let her comments roll off.

I would be really happy for my daughter. And grateful for so many visits. You don't own your children. My missing her would be a me problem! I'd go and visit her too- does your mum visit you at all?
Your mum doesn't sound very nice.
Well done for building such a good life (away from her!)

Honestly, I think this is just the type of situation that focussed therapy can be really helpful for. You can't change your mum, you can't make her happy for your achievements, love her grandchildren, etc, etc. But you can investigate those feelings of guilt and inadequacy that you're feeling, and a professional can help you do that safely and with insight. It's natural to want to please parents, especially if you were raised to be "grateful" and "obligated" to them.

I would miss them like crazy…low key more frequent contact is different from in- frequent Big Visits
AND
I would be happy that they are happy and doing so well
AND
I would worry that they felt obliged to make trips home and not want ever to pressurise or guilt trip her, or want her to compromise her marriage with frequent long absences
AND
If welcome, I would make the effort to pop over and see her and her family

No she has always seemed to think im a very selfish person even though everyone i know says im the opposite. I dont think i am any more selfish than the average person.

I accept that she has some kind of personality problem and that things wouldn't be different if I lived nearby, worse in fact. But I am trying to reprogramme myself to really believe that my life is my own because I really cannot believe it.

Sounds like you visit more than lots of children visit their parents when they live in the same country! Well done you, sounds like a lovely life and you should enjoy it. Try not to worry what she thinks, you are doing more than enough :)