Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

It's possible to be both sad your child doesn't live close, but happy they are making a great life for themselves. I have to be honest, though, I don't expect my children to live close by, I've brought them up to enjoy international travel and see the world and I expect they will carry on doing that. I'd be delighted if from time to time they were able to come and be based near me, but perhaps I will be travelling to them til I am old. It's not ideal but I wouldn't feel sorry for myself about it if they had gorgeous kids, a happy family and a strong partnership, that's everything I want for them and probably more important to me than my own wants. I'd be sad but happy for sure.

Has she ever been happy for you when something good happens to you? If yes, I think it’s likely based on fear of having nobody when she’s older. It limits your ability to stay in your own home to some extent if you have no help. If no, maybe she has some sort of personality issue? My dm is never happy for us, she is critical and jealous. I think she has a NPD.

You're on a hiding to nothing l am afraid. My mum is very like your mother! I find where she lives to be boring and the climate unpleasant, she feels similar about where l live. Difference is l am polite enough not to say that -she doesn't extend the same courtesy to me! I'm always expected to go visit her but she is reluctant to come here -despite having plenty of time and money. Did your mum work when she had young children? My mum only worked quite part time and can't or won't grasp life is busy so l don't have much flexibility or time. With working full time and 2 under 3. I try to give it all as little head space as possible to be honest. My mum is very much of opinion she is "right" about everything and l am not 🙄

Keep on enjoying your life and your lifestyle choices is my advice

@Mossandtwine
Your mum sounds unhappy. And you sound like you are doing what is reasonable to be a good daughter. Take care of your mental health and your family's and maybe write down all you do do if you get overwhelmed with her guilt.

Also- tell us where you live! I'm very jealous!

My DIL is in an almost identical situation to you and it’s hard. I think you do what seems reasonable and is good for you and stop trying so hard to please a woman who is unable to be pleased and happy for you. You may have pushed her out of her comfort zone by being adventurous enough to live a different life.

She probably feels rejected because you haven’t replicated your own upbringing and family life. She copes by criticising and offering negativity. My own mother is a bit similar.

absolutely delighted my son and his wife have a lovely life abroad and whilst it would be even nicer to have them closer it’s not what they have chosen.

When you say it all blew up a few years ago, what actually happened?

Whay does your DP think about you vanishing for a monthe at a time? What abiut the kids? Don't they want to hang out with their pals?

I agreed with almost everything you said until the last sentence and he would not shove me under the bus. I know because she treated me badly a few years ago and he got so angry with her and I witnessed him put her in her place quite vociferously. She was saying 'you never take my side, you always take Mossandtwine's side!' He screamed at her 'she is my child too and I will always take her side when she has done nothing wrong'. I know he put her through the ringer over it and things have never been that bad again. He told me afterwards that she cant have a proper relationship with anyone and that he will always take my side when it comes to it. I believe it and i think my mother knows it too. She normally leaves her criticism for when he isnt around, for example.

Posts like this come up pretty often. I always find them sad when OP is apologetic about feeling bonds of love and obligation to her DPs/ DM.
I find posts from older women, saying they would NEVER be like this, sad, because I’m pretty sure most of them are less perfect than they would have you believe.
I also find the posts from younger people advising OP to cut ties sad, because it is the bonds of love that ultimately keep people safe.
OP’s life may be picture by perfect atm but it’s unlikely to stay that way forever. She may well find that when hard times strike her DM will be there for her.
IMO, when people behave badly it’s usually due to some MH problem.
Perhaps OPs DM didn’t enjoy being a mother but put her ‘duty’ first to give her DD a good life. Nod DD has her good life, DM realises what she has missed out on; it makes her sad and jealous.
Looks like she is still doing her best to be a good mother, though.
So don’t feel guilty that you’re not rushing to ditch her, as per MN stereotypical advice.

Yes there definitely is lots of nuance with being involved in a relationship with a flawed mother who loves you deep down but finds it hard to show it in a normal way. I am careful to balance things very thoughtfully. My mum helping me in my time of need in the future...I am not sure, maybe, maybe not. She has been there for me during dark times in the past but in other circumstances she was the one creating the darkness. Its a very confusing place to be.

You could be describing one of my DSis here, she lives in Italy with her three kids who are now teenagers and came home the same amount when they were little. My mum is always delighted to see her, she has never felt sorry for herself and has never once made her feel guilty about moving away. She is extremely close to my DSis's kids as a result.

Contrast with my late MIL who remained utterly heartbroken my SIL moved to Australia until the day she died. MIL used to cry at all family occasions with her UK based children and grandchildren because SIL wasn't there. Ruined a few Christmas Days at ours with her dark cloud!

I always felt a bit sorry for her as it's a very long way for your child to move but they visited each other fairly regularly and a few people have pointed out to me that maybe there's a reason SIL did it...

I also felt sorry for my DP and other SIL who lived nearby and never felt good enough though as they couldn't make their mum happy.

OP the fac

Honestly sounds like plenty to me. Daughter is living (a presumably busy) life yet still makes time for lengthy visits!
I am a seven hour drive from my parents and only visit a couple of times a year for a week maximum. They make the journey to me once or twice as well. Yes they'd like to see us more but that's the way it is and we are all happy with how things are.

OP the fact that she saves her negativity for when your Dad isn’t there just proves how poisonous she is and that she is doing it DELIBERATELY. I know, because I have one of these mothers too. It took a while for the penny to drop for me - if she has enough control not to say something when your Dad is there, then she has enough control not to say it at all. But she WANTS to say it and to get to you, because she thinks she’s right and she wants to control you.

Very very sadly, your mother is not your friend and does not want the best for you. What she wants is to control you. I’m sorry, I know how painful this is, but you have to see it for what it is.

Jesus I would love that

From your over-use of the word sad, it sounds like everything makes you said except the impact of the mother's behaviour on her daughter and husband.

I always find them sad when OP is apologetic about feeling bonds of love and obligation to her DPs/ DM.

Of course OP loves her mother, but no, she should not feel obligated to her in the way you mean, which sounds quite toxic. The ties that bind humans together are of love, not a sense of obligation because the mother gave birth to the child.

I have also noticed that she seems so much more interested in what I am saying about my life when other people are around (outside the family). She acts like a normal person then!

Sorry you've had this too.

I also used to work abroad and my parents didn’t have anything positive to say about it either. I just ignored it and got on with life. Sorry but you need to grow a thicker skin!

@sixtysomething "I find posts from older women, saying they would NEVER be like this, sad, because I’m pretty sure most of them are less perfect than they would have you believe."
I'm not "perfect" by any means, but I would never ever be deliberately nasty to my daughter when she's done nothing to deserve it. That's a pretty long way from perfection. Not being nasty is a pretty basic requirement in my view. Nothing "sad" about it.

I think maybe you could be a bit more assertive with her. As she has stopped saying bad things in front of your dad, because he shouted at her probably. She sees you as a soft target.
If you stop taking it calmly, trying to talk her round, saying sorry etc (if you do that), and just walk away when she starts, or have a go back at her, it might help? Record her if she starts, and play it back to her? She has bullying tendencies but she can control them if she wants to, as she does when your dad is around.

I would be so happy for her and I would tell her how lucky I was to have her for my daughter.

I am an only child and I moved to Australia. My mum guilt tripped me a lot (mainly when no one else was around). We are now NC.

I empathise OP. I keep my mum at arms length (from 3 hours away). It was very challenging being raised by her. She was a real martyr, hyper critical and judgemental.
I'm married to a lovely man, who I've been with for 21 years, and she's barely had a kind word to say about him in all that time. I'm currently not working, having suffered burnout, and DH's support of me - practical, emotional, financial - hasn't even been acknowledged. She talks to me like I'm single.
I'm good at a few things - gardening, interiors, photography, certain crafts. Among my friends and to DH's family, I'm known for these things. Mum can't pay me a compliment in relation to any of them. The most she'll ever stretch to is that I'm "clever", as she can then tell herself it's genetic and I get it from her.
I'm going to get counselling as I dont want her to impact my life negatively any longer.

You have to stop beating yourself up about it, OP. You’ve made a good life for yourself and your family. If nothing positive comes out of the visits home then perhaps it’s time to dial back a little and see what happens.

As the daughter of someone who is a bit similar from a critical point of view, I just stopped trying to be the person she wanted me to be. She was very critical of my parenting, but I didn’t want to be a parent like her. My child turned out perfectly well and at least speak speaks to me at a very personal level which I would never do with my own mother.

Sometimes you can never get it right, that’s the point in time you stop trying.

Why the need to ditch her or cut ties? The OP is going every three months from abroad, for up to a month at a time! That's more than most of us spend with our mothers as adults, and the mother here is big on guilting her into this and not travelling. I would not say cut ties, I would say don't feel obliged to please the unpleasable lady and do what suits your family in terms of cutting back what might be excessively disruptive visits. There's no extremes needed here.

Me too . You sound like a great daughter