Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

This is what I hope for my DD. She wants to move to a European country with all her heart and I want that for her.
I wouldn't expect anything from her in terms of visits etc

It sounds like you are bending yourself in two to please your mother, and you're realising that it will never be enough.

For your own sake just stop. You will never please her, not because there's something wrong with you, bit there's something wrong deep inside her.

A month every 3 months seems a lot. Guessing this is a reverse and your mum is pd about something?

It's lovely that you go home every 3 months. Both my adult children live a lot further than a 3 hour flight away. But we speak regularly and they constantly make sure I'm OK as I've recently lost my DH. I'm happy that they're in the best place for them and living their best lives. I'm sorry that your mum can't be happy for you.

I would be very happy that my daughter was so happy and living a life she’s loved.So long as your adult child is healthy and happy then that’s a massive box ticked.I would also be very happy with seeing her every 3 months.

I'd be thrilled for my daughter. She has a very nice life and seems happy.

I'd be telling her she need not visit so often as it seems a bit like an obligation but if she genuinely was happy to visit so often/ for so long then I'd be very happy to see her too.

I'd tell her I was so happy for her and be very proud I'd raised her.

Is your mother not like that, is that the reason for your post?

You don't always get things right as a parent. I imagine she's missing you and her DGC a lot and while you visit often it's perhaps not the life she envisaged. She shouldn't be so negative of course, that is a shame

I'd be delighted if my adult child made a happy, successful life for themselves, and we still had such a good relationship that they flew to see me every three months. (I understand from your posts that you're visiting out of duty, but I'd hope my child doesn't feel it's a duty to see me and that we still enjoy each other's company.)

I think there is probably an element of jealousy to your mother's behaviour, as others have mentioned. It could also be that some people live extraordinarily small lives, and anything outside what they consider to be the 'norm' is so terrifying/unfathomable that they shit all over it.

If that was my child I'd be delighted.
Like you, I'm an only child. The feeling of guilt I cart around is overwhelming!
I live a lovely life with my husband and 2 children in a location that's about 100 miles away from my parents (but due to the roads/traffic it takes about 2.5-3 hours to get to them).
All through my childhood I was strongly encouraged to be as independent as possible, I was a model child and pretty much followed the exact path my parents mapped out for me (to the detriment of my happiness and mental health).
I was extremely close to my mum when I was growing up but I'm now 46 and over the years our relationship grown more and more strained. I now feel that my relationship with her is out of guilt and a feeling of duty.
Looking back, it's now clear that our relationship started deteriorating when I stopped following the plans/expectations that my mum had created in her mind.

She always looked down on people who didn't move away from the area they grew up, so pushed me to move away as she thought it appeared "more successful". Years later she suddenly realised most of her family members and friends still all lived close to their children & had good relationships, and swapped her mind set to seeing it as a "failure" by not having your children live nearby. But obviously it's my fault I don't live near her!
She's generally quite a negative person (although she thinks she's a ray of positivity!) & I now realise I was under constant criticism growing up, and still to this day nothing seems good enough. If I try to challenge her, the defensiveness and sulking sets in. It's exhausting!

@Mossandtwineas an ex expat of many years I completely get it. We were fortunate enough to have reasonably supportive families which definitely isn’t the case for everyone. There were still instances where they didn’t understand but all I would suggest is leaning on those around you in a similar situation. Even if you were in the same country there’s no guarantees your DM would understand or like all your life choices. They had their chance at their life and you’re doing the same. I would be absolutely thrilled if my DC could write your post in the future. Sounds like life is good, enjoy it and try not to dwell/overthink too much on what others think (very difficult I know).

not the life she envisaged

it's hard to tip toe that line between appearing rather sad and needy and buidling a life as an older person.

I think she is bloody lucky you care.

It is hard - and one that many of us with families scattered abroad don't always get right. I'm a member of a facebook group for parents in similar circumstances and there are a range of emotions attached to being part of this type of family - not all are positive. Hard though it can be, you do need to put a positive spin on it regardless. It's not right to heap guilt on others in this way - but I have some sympathy for the OP's mum (some!)

Ok well she's just being negative and demanding. Try and ignore her and if she's going off on one say 'I'd really rather not discuss this, so let's move on...' and change the subject.

If she keeps being like this then obviously you'll want to visit her and speak to her less, not more.

I’d be thrilled she was living a wonderful happy life and I’d be supportive and also try to visit too so the pressure wasn’t just on her to do the travelling.

If she was super happy and her husband treated her properly I would b 100% happy for her !!!
If on the other hand her husband wasn't treating her that great id be worried 🙁
But ultimately it's daughters choice to do as she pleases !
I think most mums just want there kids to b happy 😊 x

If anything, you are still orienting your worth as a person to whether your mum approves, and spending a lot of your time in the holidays with her. I would think about whether this works for you in the future. You won't change her critical nature, but it might be nicer for you and for your children not to be around such a critical and negative person, especially as it will start to spill onto the children.

Many many people do not spend weeks or months on end with their mum once they are adults, my dd's don't some years, it's the way it is and I'm delighted they have good relationships and lives to be getting on with, always love to see them but I don't ever feel like guilting them into coming, or them coming at every available time point is important for us to still have a great connection.

Do what is right for you, your relationship and your children in terms of travelling, let your mum feel how she does about it (read the book Let Them by Mel Robbins for help on how to distinguish between what is your responsibility and what is hers).

I would be paring those month long visits to just a week at Christmas and Easter.

She doesn't sound nice at all.

The fact she says your life is boring and doesn't want to visit also tells you that there's one rule for her, one for you. Imagine if you said to her- your life is boring and I don't want to visit. You can't imagine doing that as you are so brought up never to question her and to think of yourself as an inferior offshoot of her, instead of a wonderful functioning mum yourself with a good relationship.

If she doesn't want to travel- up to her. If she doesn't see you so much as a consequence- up to her. Decide what works for you and your husband in terms of visiting, I'd personally go far less than you and I don't visit my dad ever in his country, I wait for him to return to the UK and see him about once a year, but we chat most days on Whatsapp and on the phone and that works fine for us.

I am closer to my mum and would come and see her, but not for up to a month at a time for someone who is so negative and critical! Remember your children are starting to want their own lives, and will have classes and friends and won't want to be over there a huge amount once they get older, so the days of portable children may also be changing.

Fix what you think is a reasonable level of visiting, drop the guilt (therapy?) and go when it suits your family. She had her time as a mum and now you have yours.

Sadly your dad cannot be relied upon either because as you rightly state he is her enabler. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all so always need a willing enabler to help them, step forward your dad. he is acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. Neither of them have changed over the years and your mother was once young and abusive. Now she is old and abusive and your dad still enables her. He has also failed you as a parent by failing to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviour. He would throw you under the bus to save his own skin if push came to shove.

I would be delighted that my daughter was settled and happy. I would be delighted she came home regularly so I saw my grandchildren.
I would remind myself, if needed, that adult children are no longer people we should try to influence or control. They make their choices and we would do well to accept these choices. Biting your tongue in the interests of not damaging the relationship is worth it.

Outwardly, I'd be nothing but proud and supportive.

And you're not doing anything wrong (in fact, you are visiting far more than you 'need' to to be a 'good' daughter).

But I think if I'm completely honest, I would be a bit sad if my children decided to settle over seas. Your relationship is always going to be different if you are raising children in a different country and there's far less opportunity for spontaneous get togethers or offering support in an emergency.

I'd visit often whilst I was young enough, but there might come a point where I was too old or ill to make the journey and I would really miss being a physical part of their lives, even if they visited me.

My grandma is in this position now and has missed two of her granddaughter's weddings and hasn't met their baby yet. It's great that my auntie and uncle followed their dreams, but I think it can be sad as the same time.

I think your mum should keep her feelings to herself, but I do understand them to an extent.

I will say the empty nest is hard. But if my child invited me to visit her, I woudl happily do so no matter how boring the place!
I would be there even before the words were out of her mouth.
I am working on building my own life as one of my kids wants to emigrate and may get the chance to, as he has good skills. I will miss him dearly and cry a bit. But never show it.

She sounds selfish and awful tbh. What about traveling to see you and the grandkids? She should be making the effort while she can, as it is way easier for her to travel alone then you with 3 kids in tow.

Would suggest you go into therapy again and deal with the obligation you have. This was a button she installed in you a long time ago and it needs to go.

I would also pare right back the number of visits you make to her given how critical she is. It does your DC no favours at all to see you as their mother being so disrespected.

Have a look also at the website called Out of the FOG. You have physical distance, now you need to put more mental distance between your parents and you.

She sounds like a pain in the arse and I'd stop making as much effort to visit him if she's just negative and not appreciative of you visiting, especially when she won't make the effort to come to you. I'd be very happy for my daughter in that situation.

I'd be delighted to have a DD in your situation.
But I'm not your mum and she is likely upset because she wants and expects something different. It's possible too that nothing would be enough to satisfy her.
Live your life OP!