Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

Mm mother has visited a few times but doesnt want to come back because she says where I live is very boring and there is nothing to see that she hasn't already seen.

Yeah she's really done a number on you.

I have a friend whose mum lives in North London and constantly gives her grief for moving too far away. She lives in Southwark.

Why does this get trotted out on nearly every other thread?🙄

she's a proper delight isnt she.

I assume that you were scared of your mum when you were a child? She sounds like a pretty horrible person so you should take advantage of moving so far away and massively cut down on the time you come back to visit.

She brings nothing positive to your life and she isn't someone that you should want around your children. She is mean and critical and you get no pleasure out of your visits.

My daughter is about to embark on this life with my GC and I’m happy for her to experience new things. I plan to fly out every 1-2 months.

Admittedly my daughter is only 8 but assuming she’s living that lifestyle and that’s what she’s chosen for herself I’d be thrilled for her and I’d tell her how proud and happy I am for her. I can’t imagine a better outcome for my DD than her living her life exactly as she wishes to with peace and happiness because that’s all I want for my children. I don’t need them to fulfil my vision for their lives, I want them to be blissfully happy and secure with their choices.

My sister and I lived like this for years. It was fantastic for us and our children and I think my mother truly loved having her grandchildren around though I wish she would have bought in more help in the house.

I would visit less frequently and keep an emotional distance. Put her on an information diet. 💐

It seems you can't win OP.

Pull back a bit and then see what happens.

You should not be made to feel guilty for having a good quality of life. This is every mothers dream for their child.

Don't let her issues become your issues.

But there is you to see? That would be enough for me to visit.

As the parent of adult children I would be delighted that my child was happy, thriving and doing well in life. Yes, I'd miss being able to drop in casually and having you closer, but your life is definitely what I would want for my child.

You are giving her far too much headspace. I’m the same, nice husband good job great child, but she doesn’t really give a shit. You can’t make her proud or happy as it’s not about you. Stop going to see her so much. You feel guilty but you are creating that feeling not her , I know it’s a horrible feeling but you need to sit with it , it won’t kill you and it will go away.

as soon as I read your first post I knew you were the daughter and I knew you had a difficult mother and I knew exactly what you were getting at.

you are doing the thing where you are getting bitten by a snake and rather than staying away from the snake you are asking why it bit you and hoping that if you are only better it will stop biting you. People who haven’t been groomed to be people pleasers and to manage others feelings would just get away from the snake.

this is your road to Damascus moment op and once you see the dysfunction you can’t stop seeing it.

That's the thing! Sometimes my husband and I ask eachother, 'can you believe this is our life?' because it has surpassed any kind of image I ever had for my future. We feel so incredibly lucky and blessed to have such a nice life and to be so happy. So many people struggle with their mental health and that's a big fear of mine (for my own kids). I couldn't imagine being so resentful about my children having a happy life. I want my own to be happy, to meet a good person and create a happy family and lifestyle. I just cant get my head around it.

I’d tell her she doesn’t need to come home so often and to enjoy her life.

That is a horrible thing for your mum to say. She would be visiting you and her grandkids not sightseeing.
Sorry for quoting the op, i know it's frowned on.

I’d love if this were my DD’s future. She’s 100% unhappy where we live but I think she’s struggling to relocate because that means she’ll be away from me - I’d rather my DD is happy 3h flight away than near me every day and unhappy in her life.

I also live abroad and my relationship with my mother is much better this way (different circumstances though).

OP, if I were your DM, I would be overjoyed that you come back so often to see me, and I don’t understand at all about her not visiting you because it’s boring and she’s seen everything - surely the point of the visit is to see you and your family rather than to come on a sight-seeing trip? Have you asked your DM why she can’t be happy for you living your best life? I just don’t understand, OP, and I have DD’s who live abroad (and whom I only see once a year) - surely all most parents want is for their DC to be happy and fulfilled, and it sounds as though you are. Unfortunately, you won’t change your DM, but if you talk to her, you might be able to understand what it is that she finds so upsetting.

I think you need to be firm with her, and speak to your dad first. You mentioned she tones it down because of him.

she sounds a bit like an extreme version of my mum. Nothing you ever do will make her happy. Best thing I did was push back and challenge everything. Miserable text, send question marks. Ask why they would say that.

digs about the children being strangers, tell her she can come and see them more. Why is she complaining about having seen everything, surely she comes to see family. Is your dad able to visit without her?

when I go back to my mums I drop my DD off then go out - to the gym, restaurant meet friends etc. ill then come home in the evening and eat dinner then go to bed early. This helped quite a lot. I take it you are an only child?

as a previous poster said, tell her you will be unable to visit as it seems to upset her. she will twist whatever you say so put it back on her, she seemed to get upset and she finds visiting boring, you wont be able to come back as the kids have something on etc. save yourself. Prioritise your mental health, a normal parent would be happy for their child, not moany, miserable and belittling. Have a duty to yourself and the family you made

I would be glad to see them all but a month at a time if all in the same house would be a bit much if I’m honest. That’s the one issue about living far apart it’s 24/7 when a visit. My Mother was a 3.5 hour trip away but within the UK. I saw her every month but just 2 nights, DH Mother is 2.5 hours away. I used to drop him off and I would carry on to my Mothers. He got a weekend with a parsimonious yoga teacher and I got a weekend with a Sherry drinking ex chorus girl.

Accept that all you can do is acknowledge and try to control your own emotions in this situation. I had issues with my Mother, very peculiar ones but I’m very much a roll with the punches type.

Your mum resents you- maybe your happiness, maybe your distance and she can’t get you to look after her (lots of parents seem to see their adult children as a source of care and jobs rather than company and affection), maybe something else. But she sounds like a miser of love, happiness, and joy, a proper emotional vampire, so keep repeating to yourself that you’ve done nothing wrong and your life is yours to live and love, not hers to direct and control.

I’m quite envious of you myself, congratulations on having achieved such a delightful life that you regularly feel a little bit awed about how wonderful it is, I think that’s lovely. Good for you, don’t let your mum spoil it for you.

Why do you need to get your head around it? It’s like if I punch you in the face, I may do it because I’ve had a shit childhood and have anger issues but what’s that to you? You’ve still got a broken nose, does it hurt less if you know why I punched you? It does not.

im being deliberately harsh as I do know exactly what you mean, but stop trying to analyse her as that suggests you think you can fix her by being better, visiting more etc etc and you can’t. It’s not your problem it’s her choice she is an adult, dint reward the behaviour, pull back grey rock.

Are you an only child OP? I do think this makes a difference. My mum still sometimes explodes with anger about me having left her - ie left home to go to university and not gone back, which is what almost everyone I know did.

She knows she should be happy for me, that she raised me to be independent etc, but sometimes she struggles to hide the fact that deep down she would have liked me to have been more co-dependent, to have come back to live near her.

She seems to equate me having left home and found a job elsewhere etc with having abandoned/rejected her. I've never managed to persuade her it's not true unfortunately- and, as is often the case, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as the more it comes up the more infuriating it is to have to hear and the less I want to see her... which is sad.

It sounds a bit like your mum isn't even trying to be happy for you though which is even worse. I'm sorry. My mum would be ecstatic if I'd ever come home for a month at a time. I think yours is being very unreasonable to have this level of expectation of you.

I am working my way through it all and have made a lot of progress, believe it or not, but new elevations keep popping out at me and I realise so many things aren't normal. Ive been in therapy on and off for a few years now. A few years ago she came at me full force and I pulled way back then. My dad got involved and it cemented the fact that leaving was the right choice. She has scaled things back a lot as I think she could see a shift in me, that I had a limit and didnt need her and couldn't be frightened back into my box. So I keep the relationship going because its a complicated dynamic. I also have an ageing father in poor health who I get on very well with. He has been somewhat of an enabler through the years or maybe he just doesnt take her as seriously as I do. I know that when it comes to it he always takes my side though: he is also very effusive and full of praise for me.

What are you trying to get from this? Is this one of those uno reverse things?

It obviously sounds absolutely fine. 3 hour flight doesn't equal 3 hours door to door, what's the timings for the full travel?

I hope that my children feel they can live wherever they want and where they feel happiest. My boys both want to do careers that mean they can work internationally. My parents lived abroad when I was born, their parents were supportive of them travelling and following their career dreams and living in stunning places and the bonus of having somewhere special to visit on holiday. My aunts and uncles and cousins live all over the place, nationally and internationally. It's no reflection of the amount anyone loves or is loved and it's much easier to stay in touch now than it was in the 70s and 80s when my parents didn't live in the UK.

I want my children to be independent and live big lives but to still always feel welcome and at home when they're with us. I didn't create them to trap them.

I have friends who live abroad who come back for a month in the summer. They make the most of seeing family and friends then and it's lovely for them that they can earn so much where they live that they can do that.

That said, I live super close to my parents and one sibling. Reason being I have a step child we haven't moved further away as it's more important to us to have a close relationship with her. But the by-product has been being geographically close to family. I love that my children see their grandparents weekly or more. I love that they are close to their cousins and see them more regularly than we saw ours growing up. Being around the full year means we all get to do and experience the boring and regular things, not just the "let's have a BBQ because Ieuan and Michelle are back".

I've looked through some of the other comments now and see that you are the daughter who lives away. Sounds like you and your children have a lovely life. Is your mum maybe jealous? Is she hurt and sad because she'd always imagined you being nearby and being more involved in her grandchildren's daily/weekly lives? Do you have other siblings or are these her only grandchildren? I think that can make a difference. My parents get the best of both worlds with some grandkids down the road and some the other end of the country. My aunt loves being able to travel to amazing parts of the world to visit my cousins and their kids but she also absolutely adores that one cousin is still super close by and she's got an amazing relationship with their kids. Does your mum live in a grotty bit of the UK or in a fabulous place in the UK?

There's so much missing from the information you've given to get a proper understanding about where she might be coming from if she's giving the impression that she's anything other than proud of you.

It's a tough one . I know my parents were very lonely for awhile when me and my siblings were all far away . She used to say that at Xmas , birthdays and her friends were going to GDCs events she felt left out . But she never made us feel guilty about it as she was happy we were having new experiences. I did come back to live in my home country with my two DCs and DH and my parents said it was the happiest time for them.
You can't live your life for other people even parents . My father left his home country to emigrate for a better life . His family were not supportive as they would miss his contribution to the family finances . But he made more than enough and was able to help his aged father greatly . He never forgot the feeling of being made to feel bad for wanting more opportunities to have a better life .