Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

Let me turn that around. How do you feel? Are you happy visiting her? You said it's emotionally draining and upsetting. Maybe try to visit less and set boundaries or speak with her and explain she makes u feel?

I'm sorry that your mum is not happier for you. She does sound a bit jealous and perhaps a bit bitter that her life wasn't as good as yours?

If you were my daughter, I'd be a bit sad that you were a long way away, but I'd be thrilled that you were making a great life for yourself and that you were happy. Generally as parents if our children are happy, we are happy.

Isn’t it interesting, I knew exactly what she meant as I have a similar mother.

Honestly I’d guess there’s a chance she’d rather you lived nearby then so far away, we all live far from my mum and visit as regularly as we can but I look at mil and how she gets to see her kids daily, get taken to appointments etc and I do think my mum loses out hugely

I think my mother has found us living away further than she would like difficult. It doesn't fit with the picture and plan she had for her life as she got older. A lot of assumption on her part with that though. It never crossed her mind we might veer from her vision.

Do you go and spend your month off with them because you want to spend the time with your father?

Is your father in well enough health to come and visit you for that month, on his own?

For those who are asking, yes I am an only child.
I do also feel like that my mother does try to connect in other ways. She does try to keep in regular contact on WhatsApp, she does things in her own way to show love such as cooking all my favourite meals when I visit, getting me little gifts, not letting me lift a finger when I stay but I find it confusing when its sandwiched in between the very downplaying of my life. She isnt a total monster or else this wouldn't be so confusing. She does say things like 'there's no pressure to come home to visit at x time' but in reality I dont really believe that's true. I dont mean to drip feed anything, I just find it all very difficult to iron out in my mind.

Well I am kind of in this position.

My eldest DD lives a 2 hour flight away from me. She has a lovely home with her fiance and they both have good jobs. She is VERY happy.

She comes home about twice a year, and we go to visit her about twice a year but we speak every week on Facetime for catch ups and text regularly.

I am EXTREMELY proud of her and what she has achieved in her life but more importantly I am so bloody grateful that she has made a life for herself that she is happy with. Her happiness, is my happiness.

Do I secretly wish in my heart that she lived nearby instead? Absolutely 100% but I NEVER say that to her and NEVER will.

For me, her happiness and what she wants, is more important than mine and what I want.

We continue to have a really good strong relationship despite the distance.

I’d love this for my adult DCs and am constantly (gently) encouraging them to consider leaving the UK for a better lifestyle, weather, work-life balance etc. It’s something I wish I’d done and would love them to do. The UK isn’t getting any better for any of those things.

Had I have done this, my late mother would also have had nothing good to say about this and would criticise, sulk, guilt me into returning etc. She would have been happiest if I’d settled down in the next street and exactly replicated her life whilst she controlled me. I did move away, but didn’t really have the ‘big’ adventure I’d have liked (a lot of FOG).

TBH if all your mum does is moan and criticise I wouldn’t bother visiting so often. It’s not an obligation and of course, flights go from here to yours as well so she could make more effort and see for herself how great your and her DGCs life is.

We don’t have children to control their adulthood. We raise them to have the courage and wings to fly. To create their own family unit (in whichever way they want) and to get the most out of this funny old life. Well, in my opinion anyway.

Your life sounds amazing. Try not to let her de-stabilise you. Visit less if it protects you from the relentless negativity.

What would she reply if you said the same back to her? I’m sure you’ve seen everything there is where she lives, but she still expects you to come to her. Obviously it’s not productive to actually do that. But hopefully it gives you some perspective that her arguments are nonsense.

I used to think like you about my own mum who sounds similar. When I went to Australia during a gap year, I asked if she’d visit me if I stayed there and she said no. I always took a “logical” approach to her arguments- I was the one who left so of course she wasn’t obliged to visit. She doesn’t have to lie about her opinions to spare my feelings. But since becoming a parent myself, my whole opinion of her came crumbling down. I just can’t imagine sticking to “what’s logical” if it meant I wouldn’t see my child. The idea of saying things to him that make him feel bad about himself upsets me greatly.

The only reason I could imagine doing that was if I literally didn’t care about him, or if I felt I had some kind of power over him that I’d see no consequences. And that was eye opening. We’d gotten into a dynamic where when I was single and young and in a low paid job, she knew I needed her as a safety net so she could treat me however she wanted. Once I had a loving spouse, a secure job and a happy life, we both realised that the power was gone and when I asserted myself she quickly learned to treat me better.

I would be absolutely delighted and feel so proud my kids are living a fulfilling life and that things are going well for them. Isn’t that what every parent wants?

She sounds exactly like my mother. I am NC with her, because in the end I couldn't cope with the constant criticism, and particularly when it started to impact my children (and the impact on your children is something else you should also consider, even if you think you are protecting them).

I think I did some of this anyway, but if I could have my time I again I would be extremely blunt about what behaviour I didn't like and why I didn't like it (rather than not wanting to upset her), and put up very strong boundaries (I will stop talking to you if you criticise, unless it genuinely is constructive; I will expect a genuine apology before we can move on; I will not be guilt tripped about visiting). I suspect you are doing this anyway, but keep conversation light and tell her little about your life. Talk about the garden and the weather or make her talk about herself..

You’re never going to understand her, and in a way that doesn’t matter. You’re in control here, you’re the only one who can decide this isn’t working for you and your family, and reset the dynamic/expectations/visiting schedule. In your shoes, I would be reducing the length of visits as much as the frequency. Two weeks twice a year, perhaps?

In the interim, your dad can visit you. And your mum if she wants to - perhaps it would force her hand. The thing she said about where you live being “boring” is ridiculous, offensive, and not your problem to manage - she just wants everything on her terms.

Remember, when you set boundaries, they’re for you to maintain, not for other people to respect. But it will be worth it to have some peace of mind (and some holiday time in your own home!)

Reverses are so confusing 🙄 couldn't make sense of the problem at first.
I'd think it was lovely that they seemed happy and regularly came back to visit

I would be very happy for her and pleased that she could bring the grandchildren to visit on a regular basis, although two weeks at a time might be enough for me as I’m an introvert and like to protect my peace😂

Not sure what you’re asking but it all sounds great to me..

I would be very happy for her, but a bit worried that she was coming home so often. What kind of job allows a person to take off a whole month regularly?
I'd actually be suggesting she stays at home more, and isn't constantly returning to her mother's house.

My mum is like that.
First of all: she is her own person, with her own shit to sort out. Try and look at her as somebody who isn’t related to you. If you worked with her, or you just met her. What’s her personality like, hobbies, way of life, history etc.
Second: your role isn’t to parent her. You have your own kids to parent.
Third: look at your own boundaries. You’ve leaned from your mum, there are expectations that aren’t yours. What are YOUR expectations?
Fourth: you’ve never been taught this, but you have kids, so you need to sort this: what is a healthy mother daughter relationship? There are books on this.
Fifth: ever heard of transgenerational trauma? Both you and your mum are just links into this big heavy chain.

You can unpack all this in counselling/therapy.

My son lives 4 hours drive away. I miss him so much but he is living his best life and I'm so proud of him.

I would be very happy for her and pleased she comes home so often. If this is your daughter then you are lucky. Our daughters live locally and one has SEN kids so needs support as the youngest is not in school. We love having them nearby but equally if they were in your daughter’s position with children thriving in school I would be pleased. You should tell her you are glad she is settled home wise, marriage and family and you appreciate her visiting so often. Do you visit her?

Is there a cultural difference between you and your friends, OP? Could that be behind your mum's high expectations of you?

OP, it's not your job to make your mother happy! Cut back massively on your visits to your mother, and enjoy your life with your husband and children.
A couple of weeks per year back in your mother's country would be ample.

I am the mum of two amazingly awesome AC. Both have made lives for themselves and I’m proud of them but I would NEVER stand in their way regardless of where they wanted to live, job they did, choices they made provided they were happy.

Same. Why would you? Time to give up the guilt.

If this is a reverse you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sounds like your mum is just a negative person. You can’t live through your kids. Mine are local as we live in a nice part of the UK but the UK education system for SEN kids leaves a lot to be desired so if they were settled elsewhere they are doing what works for them. We also have our own lives and travel. Why doesn’t she travel to you and embrace your new home or does she have health issues? Bravo for staying a month with her negativity. Make sure you also travel to other places not just to visit your parents. Look up FOG as it sounds like this relationship is unhealthy,