Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

I've have 4 adult youngsters. 3 of them live abroad. 1 in Canada , 1 in Thailand, and 1 in New-Zealand. I also have my eldest who lives 20 minutes up the road from me with his wife and children. Yes I am relieved one stayed local.

I was born to look after my mother in her old age. Something I did. I have a complicated, disfunctional family of origin I'm not going to go into as it would take to long.

Needless to say I ensured mine grew up to live there own lives.

"Our children are through us, not of us...." By Kahlil Gibran if you wish to look it up.

Besides I get quite a lot of holidays per year abroad lol.

We are so lucky to live in a time of wll the tech. I don't get to miss mine like even 30 years ago with video calling etc.

Live your life! Get some therapy if you need it. You are doing nothing wrong.

I’d be very happy that my daughter was living a great life and that I get to see her and the grandchildren regularly.

Yeah… we’ve always told our kids to fly away and make the world their oyster but the reality of my dd cheerfully living the other side of the world is hard. I’m sad for myself and I miss our closeness. I feel like I don’t really know her any more. 😔

I recognise that’s a ‘me’ problem and outwardly I’m as big a cheerleader as I ever was but certain things sting and I feel very touchy when she comes home. I’ve never been good at faking emotions.

Op try and forgive her. You’ve got a lovely life and you’re ok. She’s clearly hurting and there is nothing you can do about other than rise above it. You are being dutiful. I am with my own elderly DM. It’s what a lot of us do.

Just as you are conflicted about her, she will also be conflicted. There will have been shaping forces in her life that have left her unable to risk ‘real’ connection.

My mother drives me potty and at times I’ve been astounded by her nastiness. But she’s a product of her environment. My dad spoilt her because she was quite fragile, and that effectively meant he sided with her over us. ‘Don’t upset your mother’ was the mantra.
She is a muddled mess of ego and determination, terrified that someone is going to take advantage of her. She can’t relax or stop assessing and counting up, to make sure she is ‘winning’. It’s sad.
I accept her for what she is. She’ll never be like a proper mum, and it will always be hard work. She can’t give anything because she’s afraid of being stitched up. She’s still a frail old woman without the emotional or intellectual ability to be different.

Crikey, my 3 adult children live around 3 hours away by car and if I’m lucky I see them once or twice a year.

If you were my daughter I would feel super happy that you make such an effort to see me

If I wasnt fairly sure that my sister isnt on MN, I would genuinely think you are her.

Thats is scarily familiar, such an accurate description of our mother.

If it is you D, then I love you more xx

Not prepared to contribute to a thread that’s so manipulative. Maybe start a new, honest discussion.

I’d say you’re very lucky. I live about half the distance away but due to being self employed I don’t manage as much contact. I miss my Mum dearly and wish I could spend more time but I need the money while I work to support my kids.

I can’t move home as my ex refuses to let the kids go. Your daughter loves you and tries to visit as much as she can. Consider yourself lucky and blessed 💐

I would love to ‘love you more’ back, but I am not she! I’m glad you have each other.

Well as a fellow daughter of "that" kind of mother, love you anyway x

You are not alone

my d lives a three hour drive away and in the same country and I see her three times a year, for a brief overnight visit. I’m used to it but having said that it does mightily piss me off that it’s so infrequent. You carry on with your visits. It sounds lovely

That may be an explanation but it isn’t an excuse, and nobody is obliged to put up with a parent treating them badly or talking them down just because they may have trauma/mental health issues/jealousy. I would think (or hope) it’s rare for a rational, functional parent to be jealous of their own child, that’s incredibly toxic. My parents have many issues and personally I don’t care what the root causes are, as far as I’m concerned they gave me a dysfunctional upbringing and I owe them nothing.

I'd wonder who she was trying to convince if she really described her life as perfect in every way like that, and TBH I'd wonder what her marriage was really like if she was spending a month at a time away from her husband.

But, on the face of it I'd be very happy for her and pleased she was able to come so frequently and for so long. The reality might be that the visits are too long?

My son has moved to the other end of the country. I miss him of course, but it's lovely to see him settled and happy and actually our visits probably mean I spend more quality time with him than I would if he was round the corner although the MN wisdom was that a proposed visit of 6 days was too long

I absolutely love it when he phones because he has news he wants to share e.g. something that happend at work or with his hobby. I.e. when something happens and he wants to tell his mum, rather than I haven't spoken to mum for a while, so I'd better make the effort, iyswim.

I'd feel absolutely fine about it and just tell her I love her, that it's great to see her so often considering her home is so far away, and you appreciate it.

So, after your dysfunctional upbringing , do you feel confident of your ability to be an exemplary parent?
Fwiw, from my extended family and people I know, intergenerational jealousy is going round in spades, toxic or no.
Just a minor correction: plenty of people ARE indeed forced to put up with a parent treating them badly, for all sorts of reasons.

Thrilled.
My family have form - my father’s mother moved out of the country of his birth when she divorced and then left him in England while she pursued her career in yet another country. My own mother moved to England from Ireland away from her family for her career and then moved to the US for her husband’s career. I moved back to the UK while they were in the US.
As long as my child is happy then I’m happy.

Alternatively you're a kind, decent person, and they're arseholes who don't give a shit about the people who brought them up.

No one is an exemplary parent @SixtySomething, every parent makes mistakes. But, being jealous of your own child’s happiness and success is particularly toxic IMO and if someone’s experienced it, I hope they’d do their best not to continue the negative cycle.

As I said upthread, my Dad seems jealous of me sometimes after not being v. interested in me for years. But I’m not jealous of my children, quite the opposite, I feel really happy when they have opportunities that I haven’t had. I thought that was normal tbh.

Edit to say that I’d assume that parental jealousy is less common nowadays, because people now become parents by choice. A few decades ago, social pressure and less reliable contraception pushed more people into parenthood-but that’s no longer the case. It’s now acceptable to be childfree so those who have children presumably really want them and are more likely to feel positively towards them.

If she was awful all the time it would be a much more straightforward feeling in your head @Mossandtwine . It’s that she marrys that with a controlled care when you stay with her that mangles your brain. That is abusive I’m afraid. She knows the strings and how to pull them, she knows entirely what she’s doing.

I know you will probably go over to her as frequently as you have been (I know, I am in the exact same situation and there is a level of duty you feel you have to do - you probably can’t detach from that). The plan now should be a coping strategy. You are beginning a journey I went through. You will end up accepting her flaws, not feeling bad about acknowledging them or calling it out. Don’t be hurt by her shit because a normal mother should be glad for you. Put on your own hard hat. She can sense that you see her shit and is doubling down and trying to pull you back into it. Don’t let her. Do what you need to do for as long as you need to do it and leave, back to your nice life. Good luck.

I live that distance away from my mum. I see her ever 2-3 months. If I want long stints with her I fly over to get her and fly her back same day. I am lucky to be able to do this but realise it is hard for people in the same situation who can’t. I always fell guilt having moved abroad.

Good point that parenthood is now a matter of choice, although I think it’s only recently become the case that choosing not to be a parent is viewed as an acceptable choice. It will be quite a while before that hasfiltered up to the older generation.
I think that inter generational envy commonly extends into income disparity and general lifestyle. It’s certainly alive and kicking in my extended family.

No one on this thread has admitted to jealousy so far. So , I’ll buck the trend and say I’ve often felt twinges of envy at the spending habits of my offspring who have had much more £££ available to them than I ever had. I’d like to think it hasn’t altered my behaviour towards them, however.

That’s a moot point as I don’t have kids but no, I think I’d be a terrible parent. Part of the reason I don’t want or have them!

Is this a hypothetical question?

I think that many people find it’s only when they become parents themselves that they can forgive their parents’ failures. As a parent, you discover that no matter how hard you try, others will always judge you. However hard you mean to do your best, failures of character or circumstances, or lack of external support make you less perfect than you planned to be. That’s part of why I’m so sceptical about all the posts here from Mums who would NEVER be jealous of their children! 🙂
I’d recommend giving parenthood a go.