Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

Jealousy is an absolutely hateful emotion though, it poisons everything, even the good things, for the one who feels jealous.
My ex, now late, MIL was jealous and it made her thoroughly miserable, and led to her making everyone else around her miserable too, if they let her. It was a shame. I'd go into therapy if I ever felt like that, i wouldn't want to waste my life feeling like that.

@SixtySomething Yes, I doubt that anyone is the perfect parent they think they’ll be before having kids!

I honestly haven’t felt any twinges of jealousy towards mine yet, although they’re still very young adults so I possibly could in the future. Generally I feel relief when things are going well for them, because I know people IRL children aren’t thriving, and that’s far worse.

And wives who'd never be awful jealous MILs. That transition is tough, the toughest of all the parenting phases IME!

Some people go the other way, and discover that they could never treat their children as they were treated, and that actually their parents were much worse than they'd realised.

My former SIL (was the oldest of the siblings) had a difficult relationship with her mum.

Whilst I know her mum was pleased she had become a teacher, MIL had become pregnant with her outside of marriage and within a family where in those times, nice girls didn’t.

she felt her life took an unplanned turn in that she had to marry FIL to keep up appearances and during one argument, blamed SIL for being that embryo !!

as I said to SIL at the time, ultimately MIL made the decision to shag FIL without protection so totally her decision, so perhaps she needed to be reminded of that.

However what it did to SIL once siblings started to come along, saw her become an individual who needed reassurance /approval she was doing the right thing. The next sibling was a boy and out of the 5 children, always remained the golden child.

while there’s a lot of different aspects to your situation OP are you still searching for parental approval that’s not being fulfilled one way or another ? Could it be causing you unnecessary anxiety in your mum’s presence that’s wearing her patience a bit thin ?

I have a mother a bit like this. Going home every three months when you live overseas seems like a lot! When I was abroad we only went home for Christmas.
I really recommend this book to help understand and deal with these kinds of parents: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4

She’s jealous as she tried to low level control you and keep you in your place but you escaped. Realise it’s complicated with parents so keep on enjoying your life xxx

I’d be very happy indeed for my daughter if she was like you xx
In my situation 2 of mine live way further than a 3 hour flight !!
And they did nothing at all for a big birthday I had and they forget Mother’s Day too .
I will sometimes get a birthday message .
they’ve also not bothered for Christmas gifts either .
there is absolutely no back story , I’ve been a good mum , maybe too nice 🥺

@Curryingfavour You sound similar to my PIL. I’d advise you to set a few basic expectations (not like the OP’s Mum, of course), but say that you’d like to speak to them on Mother’s Day weekend, for example.

Unless there’s a backstory and there’s tension between you, they probably just need reminding that you’re a person not just “Mum” who’s always there and has no needs of her own!^^

I think they’re busy and just forget , but I always appreciate anything they do organise and also happy to get a message or call

I'd tell her how proud I was that she was such a beautiful soul

@Curryingfavour You can still set a few expectations. My late Mum wasn’t demanding at all but she did say that she’d like a weekly phone call in the days before smartphones and she got one.

One year I also forgot Mother’s Day (I was living abroad) and I was told off!

Do you know my mother?!?

She sounds fantastic. I would love to have daughter like that.

“She may not realise how she comes across and mat not intend to hurt me as she does but interactions with her do leave me feeling very deflated and like a bit of a failure if im honest.”

This is totally how she wants you to feel. As you said she was disappointed you kids were not scared of you. So you can be sure she made you scared of her when you were younger. You may not remember it now but those younger years she probably used that fear to control you. Now she can’t use fear she can manipulate your feelings and emotions to keep you coming back. She feels if she was nice on those visits, you would totally abandon her as you would be confident enough to. Keep your connection with her and your Dad. But find a way ignore her comments or give back some subtle comments of your own. Make some clear hints that comments like this make you not want to visit at all. Suggest you wouldn’t if it wasn’t for your Dad. Make her realise you are in control now. Although I think you may need to realise that for yourself.

I am happy if my kids are safe and happy. They are all living in UK atm, I would prefer it to stay that way but they have to live their life , I would never move away and always be here if they need me.

Sounds like you have amazing life
and I hope your mother:/parents realise that and are happy for you.

I hope my child will visit me that often 🤗
Wish you and your family well

I know I would be very happy to know my daughter was happy and to see her so often. My son lives on the other side of the world with my grand-daughter and if I saw them every three months I would be over the moon -
fyi
Enjoy your life and mum while you still can

I would be thrilled for her. My girl spent 8 years away in Singapore and it was fine - she was being fulfilled and I didn’t go through all that child-rearing malarkey to have her hanging around at home! Of course I missed her but modern technology means they are only a video call away.
So if your dear mama is beefing about your life I can only conclude that she is unable to enjoy her own, which is sad, but not your issue. You are living your life and seeing lots of her. Go you!!

To be honest, OP, it sounds to me as though your mum was and is emotionally abusive. The thing about her commenting about your kids not being scared of you as though that’s a bad thing rings alarm bells for me. Well done for leaving the country and creating the life you want and deserve. You sound like a really well balanced and kind parent. I listened to a book on Audible called Mother Wound recently which I found really helpful. You could check it out. Take care of yourself and maybe reflect on whether you are using too much time and energy trying to do right by your mum who is never going to be pleased anyway.

I stayed near my mother and father, visited them every day, did their shopping, looked after mum when she was seriously ill, and my brother who also stayed nearby did nothing. Didn't visit, didn't call them, his wife badmouthed them, unless money was being given out but my parents thought he was the bees knees!. it wasn't til mum was dying she started crying and said she was grateful for all me and my hubby had done for her and dad. She criticised me all my life and I felt guilty constantly. Dad now has dementia and stays with us but still thinks my brother is fantastic, my brother still doesn't visit or call. A few of my friends emigrated when we were teenagers, I had the chance to go to but didn't. Looking back I sometimes wish I had. Don't beat yourself up and don't go out your way to visit. Your mum should be pleased you've done well for yourself.

…that you have an amazing, independent daughter, that cares for you!!! Are you disturb by her coming to visit you!?