Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

I think you know when you're done. This can't have come as a surprise to him. He probably just likes his life the way it is and doesn't want it to change.

Who is he going to the restaurants and hotels with? I mean under what pretext?

Yanbu to want a divorce and to say what you want, but yes I think it was unreasonable to do it at that moment in time.

I think ending a marriage is obviously a really big step and unless there's a very clear and immediate act of bad behaviour or where its unsafe for you, then I think both people need to be in a position to have a conversation about it and have that conversation at a time when both people can process and respond or ask questions.

Obviously there are long term issues in your marriage and you've clearly hit a wall with how much more you want to invest in it which is completely fair - there's two people in a marriage and one person can't do the work of both.

Do you feel safe with him or subconsciously were you worried about his reaction and maybe therefore subconsciously choosing your moment?

You’re right and tbh I’ve tried I really wanted our marriage to last but alas that’s life.
I am a very reasonable person I don’t understand men, if he wanted to see another woman then he could have just said that

Regardless of what’s happened in the marriage, I think saying that to him as he was leaving for work was a bit shitty.

Yanbu to want a divorce and to not want to continue to be in a relationship which isn't working for you.

I think ywbu to tell him as he was leaving for work. Even if someone knows the marriage is on borrowed time I think telling them you want a divorce should be kept for a time when you can sit down and discuss not as a throw away comment.

You may want a divorce but you will have to co parent for a long time yet and it's better if you can communicate effectively.

I think it's more complicated than that though. Selfish- absolutely! But often I do think people cheat because they don't know how to address the issues in their marriage but don't necessarily want to leave it either so it can become a really unhealthy and toxic thing. It's called the 3rd leg principle.

Doesn't mean you are any more obligated to accept it or tolerate it, but I just don't think it's as straightforward as cheating because you don't give a shit anymore. Can be sometimes, but not always.

That I don’t know and don’t even want to bring it up to him. I’m assuming he’s having an affair, he’s buying someone very nice things, he’s went on a work trip I think she went with him based on the timelines he decided to stay an extra few days, I bumped into his work colleagues wife and her husband and the team were back so I just put two and two together.

There’s never a good time is there?
you did it when you did it. He’s not going to like it whenever. It’s the wrong thing to focus on.

Great work getting fit etc!

all the best op @ThisCheekyWasp

Why haven’t you asked him about any of this?

As others have said, YANBU to want to move forwards to divorce but YABU for throwing the grenade as he was walking out the door instead of doing it calmly at a time when you can’t be disturbed by work, kids etc.

I can't imagine a world where I knew my husband was splashing out on restaurants and hotels and I didn't even ask who he was with. That is so out of the range of normal. Why don't you want to ask him OP?

In terms of the title of your post, then dropping a bombshell like divorce as he’s about to leave for work is pretty poor timing.

However, the reasons for wanting the divorce, seem pretty valid.

Have you seen or heard from him since you told him?

sounds like you’re doing the right thing - especially given the cheating suspicions.

The timing was shit.

everything else YANBU it does sound like an affair

Can you imagine if the tables were turned and you were on your way out to work and he just announced he wanted a divorce?

Your reasons for wanting the divorce are completely valid, but you've handled it badly. It should have been a propper sit down conversation, not a throwaway comment.

Very proud of you for not confronting him and being hysterical because he doesn’t deserve your upset. Of course he wants his life to stay the same while he treats you like a 2nd class citizen - don’t let him. For a young man to refuse sexual contact with his wife for 12 months without addressing it and then have the audacity to say he doesn’t want a divorce is enough for you to be a little angry and push you forward with the divorce. You’re 40, you deserve the chance at happiness and the possibility, somewhere in the future to maybe meet a better man that desires you. How dare he spend money on (likely) another woman, be emotionally and sexually unavailable and then say he loves you. They’re so gross, I’m so cross for you but I can’t help but smile that you told him so nonchalantly. It’s the very definition of fuck around and find out and he deserves to feel confused, guilty and on the back foot. Get everything you are entitled to and don’t be scared to share custody so you can carry on working on your own life and distant future.

You’ve said you just want to manage and coparent your dc amicably but there’s just no way.
you told him you wanted a divorce and didn’t even think properly about how he’d feel about that.
you think he’s having an affair but haven’t discussed it. You’re unhappy he hasn’t noticed changes to your appearance and neither of you seem to properly addressed the lack of intimacy. You do not communicate well as a couple, it’s not going to get better mid divorce.

obviously get a divorce for any reason you like, and of course if he’s cheating that’s different (though you don’t know this? Is there any other explanation?). But personally I feel like I made marriage vows to stick to them and work through difficult times, and it doesn’t sound like either of you have put much effort into working through anything really. Again if he’s cheating that is different.

I’ve kind of accepted that he’s seeing someone. I told my mum and she just said it’s what shitty men do and I shouldn’t overthink things if I want I have the choice to leave and I said I want to leave and she is supportive.

I was trying to find a book from his office and I was being slightly nosey, there was an invoice receipt on his desk, I looked at it and it was a £15k necklace. It was from his account, I’ve had a look at our joint account hasn’t touched that nor the kids accounts.

I didn’t care to ask because I’ve realised he doesn’t love me and is having an affair when he can be honest and go be with her, she makes him happy, I don’t want him to be sad. I want the best for him.

Also if a man came on here and said I’m working out loads I’ve got a new haircut and my wife hasn’t noticed and hasn’t wanted to have sex with me, so I told her on her way to work that I was divorcing her.
I doubt all the answers would be the same as above.

I do agree the work thing sounds suspicious but also pretty easily explainable? I’ve gone on work trips and had to stay longer than some colleagues before. I’ve gone to restaurants without dh. The difference I suppose is that we discuss it.

You have absolutely done the right thing. Of course he doesn’t want a divorce he wants his cake and to eat it too!!! You deserve so much better than how he is currently treating you!!!

Ooh I’d definitely be bringing this up when you sit down to talk, and the 15k necklace for sure!
why aren’t you more angry, it’s because he’s having the affair that he died t want you anymore. I would be livid!

I didn’t mean for it to come off like that

It still doesn't ring true OP. If my DH said he was going out for dinner, naturally I would ask him who with? Do you two just not talk to each other.

Under general circumstances it really would be a dick move to tell someone you want a divorce when they are on the way out the door to work.

But given your husband seems to be fairly obviously engaged in an affair, I imagine he is not really all that cut up about you ending the relationship and his protestations are mostly about him wanting to continue with both cake and eating cake.