Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

You’re right and I do understand that I am in a very privileged position compared to some women. I do think women on here messaging me to get “revenge” “make him suffer” making him out to be this evil monster as if it’s black and white.There’s so much more nuance to most situations and this is one of them.

This! Can’t understand why anyone is saying you are unreasonable for your timing. Why is the onus on op to confront him? If he’s not telling her about his deceit then obviously he’s not going to be honest when she asks about it! Well done! I think you have the right to do things in the way that’s easiest and less painful for you. Sounds like you’ve already suffered a lot of pain. And he’s been oblivious for at least a year as he does whatever the fuck he is doing. All the best.

I think perhaps you aren't seeing the posts from those of us who are not baying for 'revenge' but are saying simply to be sure you (and by extension your sons) get a fair and equitable settlement. That's not 'baying for his blood'. We aren't saying to 'take him for all he's got', we're saying 'be sure you receive what you're (and/or your sons are) entitled to for you own benefit and the benefit of your sons.

You are indeed blessed to have financial independence from him. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't receive your equitable share of joint marital assets. Nor that you shouldn't have the option to buy him out of the home or that it might not be worth giving up some of the assets in exchange for the house. My BFF 'signed off' on her exH's pension in exchange for him signing the house over to her. She has never regretted that decision. This is where legal advice comes in. There may be options you haven't thought about. You've referred to your dad in 'past tense' so I assume he is no longer with you. If so, I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm sure there are family solicitors that you can consult with, just to educate yourself.

As far as the money your DSs have received from their grandparents, that's probably just making sure that the money is held 'right and tight' in trust accounts that are managed by BOTH of you. And that the vesting of his pensions/survivor's benefits is locked down for the benefit of the children. As far as his cycling business, if you've had nothing to do with it then I see why you feel you shouldn't benefit from it. But your children should in the event of an 'untimely demise'. There is also the issue of child maintenance that should be locked down. Do you see where I'm going? It's not trying rip him off, it's not putting 'his money' in your pocket, it's making sure that things are set up for your sons. I would expect him to want no less from you.

I know you want to try to save the marriage, that's fine. BUT should things NOT work out you cannot discount the possibility of a 2nd marriage for him. Or even more children And that could change things massively for your sons. Yes yes I know that right now you believe he would never disadvantage your boys, but believe me, I've seen worse from 'better' people in my long years on this Earth. Go to counseling by all means. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't also see a solicitor and figure the best route for you should counseling not work out.

Normally I would be one for leave but not in this situation, its completely different to what normally happens.I think if you both still love each other and want to maintain the family unit no one on here should be berating you or calling you naive for trying. I would believe him actually, most men in this situation when asked for divorce are happy or initiate it themselves. Its not about money as you both are independently solvent. From what you have written I definitely think its salvatable

I am, like so many others, so in awe of how you are handling this.
I really hope you can work things out with your DH, and your boys can grow up in a stable home with both parents fully present and happy to be there.
My divorce was horrendous, and the damage to all of us is apparent still, 16 years later.

Good luck OP 💐

The texts he showed you say to her he wanted to try things with you again. And he loved you- When were they dated ?

in January?

Or the last few days

I'd like to highlight this:

"I know you want to try to save the marriage, that's fine. BUT should things NOT work out you cannot discount the possibility of a 2nd marriage for him. Or even more children And that could change things massively for your sons. Yes yes I know that right now you believe he would never disadvantage your boys, but believe me, I've seen worse from 'better' people in my long years on this Earth. Go to counseling by all means. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't also see a solicitor and figure the best route for you should counseling not work out."

It sounds like your H didn't have the emotional tools to handle the dreadful loss of your child and instead sought solace in an affair. It is an extreme situation, and he does sound remorseful, and it's very good that he is seeking therapy, not just for saving the marriage but also healing the wounds of his upbringing. I hope very much that you and he and your marriage will recover from this and be stronger than ever.

But like @AcrossthePond55 I have also seen dreadful behaviour from people I would never have dreamed would behave like that. Your husband may not be able to heal, he may remain prone to such destructive behaviour. It is not mercenary to ensure that you and your children are protected financially in the event that he lapses again, or you divorce and he remarries and has other children, or god forbid he dies. It's just being prudent.

On his way to work was a kick in the teeth.

This is very sad, unfortunately every one deals with grief differently, hopefully counseling will help both of you.

I just want to say that I think you are being very mature.
My ex constantly lied about seeing people and it drove me mad. I wish I had just struggled my shoulders and got on with it.
We were friends before having a child and since separating, we get on quite well. We go on holiday together and he spends Christmas with me.
My parents hated each other and even in my thirties , it’s still an issue. My daughter is so secure and settled as we get on. I think your approach is best.

Hi. I’ve spent the last ten minutes reading your posts on this thread and I’m blown away by your resilience, your kind nature, and your love for your kids.

no advice from me - I just hope that you find the happiness you so obviously deserve, with or without your husband.

I wish you the very best of luck x

I love my husband very much, and I believe he loves me, but after a silly row on Valentine's Day I found myself wondering when somebody should decide enough is enough. (I definitely want to be with my husband until death do us part).

I came to the conclusion that it's when you wouldn't miss the person you are with if they died. You might miss being married, you might miss financial security, you might miss having somebody to take the bins out or to look after the children, but it's not the actual person that you would miss, just the situation.

I made the decision to split with my ex-husband and it was definitely the best decision, but I confess I did miss having him around sometimes. I did not miss HIM - I missed the fact of him.

It sounds like you have come to that conclusion. I wish you all the very best in your future life.

It is very easy on a forum such as Mumsnet to be full of leaving and scheming.
Every situation is different, and giving yourself time to consider all options is the right thing to do.
You may want to take a look at survivinginfidelity.com. It is a lot of resources, whether you divorce or not.
I found it a huge support when I was in a similar situation.
Best wishes whatever you decide, remember it is your decision.

Oh OP, I am sorry you have been given a hard time from some posters on here.

You have been through a traumatic, life changing experience with the death of your daughter - and your life has changed. It is no wonder that you are your DH are struggling.

Grief can push people apart as they deal with it differently. I find men want to move forward and not address their feelings while women want to talk and mourn more openly.

Please see if you can get him to agree to joint counselling. Even if you do end up separating it would be so helpful for you to address your loss together, and be able to move forward as a family, whatever that family ends up looking like.

You sound almost detached but also that you love your husband still. I wish you the very best.

Hi op so sorry for your loss your situation is heartbreaking. I think it’s sad that your dh doesn’t acknowledge your loss. Him acting like your dd didn’t exist must really hurt then sleeping with someone else instead of you he wasn’t there when you needed him that’s unforgivable. Op also spending all that money on his mistress he should have been taking you out to meals and hotels he should have been supporting you but he decided sex was way more important than you. I really don’t think you can forgive and forget he’s only panicking now because his life will be turned upside down but yours already had been and he’s was nowhere to be seen. If I was in your shoes I would be thinking long and hard before deciding on your marriage but prior to you wanting a divorce he didn’t give a shite about you or your grief. He turned you down because his needs were being met and he never took your needs into consideration once. He’s a coward and selfish you say he’s a good father but a marriage is about having a good husband and he certainly isn’t a lot of people split up after a death of a child but what would hurt me the most is not speaking about her like she never existed. Good luck op.

If he says he loves you ask him politely why he doesn’t show it?

”we spoke this morning and you said you love me. I’m a bit puzzled and very upset. Can you tell me why you don’t show it?

Sorry you’ve had a such a tough time OP. You’ve done amazingly well to carry on and be something for your DC.

Everyone copes with grief differently but it sounds like you and your DH are complete opposites in that be refuses to talk about it and hides his feelings. it doesn’t sound like he’s been processing it at all.

you don’t sound cold, or flippant, or like a walk over to me. You sound very detached and as if you’ve almost shutdown your emotions towards your DH to some extent. It’s probably a trauma response with your Dd passing so suddenly and it being so recent.

a lot of PPs would probably show their anger/heartbreak much more vocally on here but I imagine you’ve shutdown/ closed off to protect yourself. You’ve already been through the worst thing imaginable and i presume that as shockingly as your DH has behaved, it pales in comparison to what you’ve already been through. It sounds like you’re numb and it’s almost like nothing else can hurt you a fraction of what you’re already feeling.

sending you a massive hug

Aw ffs - he’s likely shagging around taking his mistress to posh hotels and restaurants, buying a £15k necklace but OP is in the wrong for not being more considerate in her timing by not considering his feeelings?!

There's never an easy time to tell someone you want a divorce. I shouldn't overly worry about the timing. Good for you for starting the conversation.

@ThisCheekyWasp your last couple of posts have contained a lot of very identifying information. Mumsnet has a huge readership (almost as many people read it every day as read The Sun newspaper) and anyone who knows you in real life and reads those posts will not only know about the problems in your marriage but also about how much money your children have which is probably unwise. You might want to think about asking admin to edit the identifying stuff out (your husbands side hustle and your parents occupation).

It's sad that you think marriage is only to have kids. Perhaps that line of thinking was part of the problem.

You seem to be advocating that one should stay in an unhappy marriage. I'm an advocate of trying to work on it, but both parties need to feel the same.

Modelling a poor relationship isn't good for the kids. They grow to think that's normal and accept below par relationships in the future, because that's what they saw growing up.

Divorce can be difficult for the kids, but if the parents always put the kid's best interests first and don't try to point score and do all the other nonsense some parents do, with support, most kids will be okay and not so negatively impacted. That's not saying divorce is easy on anyone.

It's better to have two healthy homes, than one unhealthy one.

He's just trying to save the marriage, that doesn't mean he really loves you. It also doesn't mean even if he does really love you that he can or will change.

Oh my goodness, OP. You have experienced the very worst thing in the world- the death of your beloved daughter. Your life has been changed forever. Nothing will ever be as bad again - not divorce, not your husband cheating, not discovering a £15k receipt for a necklace.
I completely get it. Things that would shock and horrify others, leave you numb because you are now unshockable. Your energy is spent mothering your existing children, keeping the flame of your daughter’s memory alive and just keeping going with work and life. You don’t have time or space for his crap.
You don’t hate your husband despite his behaviour because you know what you both have been through and that will forever bind you together.
I get the intimacy thing too and I get the connection that comes with sex -no judgement here. Sometimes intimacy in these situations can clarify what we truly feel.
For what it is worth, I don’t think your husband is evil. I believe him when he says he does not want a divorce. He has behaved appallingly and his inability to process his emotions and to face up to the loss of your daughter has hurt both of you. Very badly. He has to take responsibility for that.
You don’t sound passive or a pushover to me. You sound absolutely spent. Grief does that. You have walked this terrible path alone and you have survived. Now you know you need to live. For your sake, for your sons’ sakes and for your daughter’s sake.
You’ve been trapped in a marriage where you’ve become invisible to the one person who should completely “see” you and support you. It’s understandable you want out. You are suffocating. Drowning. This is your only chance at moving on.
Your husband is also trapped. Not by the marriage or you. He’s trapped by his complete inability and unwillingness to process his emotions.
The therapy will stir up a lot of intense feelings. He’ll be much worse before he gets better. He’ll want to offload to you and use you as a sounding board. It’s up to you whether you can bear this.
Your emotional survival comes first. I completely respect your decision not to tear him apart, despite his weak and foolish behaviour. You know how much grief and hurt there is in the world and you don’t want to add to it or inadvertently have that in your children’s lives.
You are a good and remarkable person, OP. Your children will be fine long term. You are right to talk about your daughter and to acknowledge her existence. It’s important you talk to your sons about her and keep those memories alive.
You may or may not end up getting divorced. This is a complex situation and you have been healing alone. But ultimately you have done your husband a huge favour by not putting up with this situation any more and by being the catalyst for him to seek help. Your MIL sounds amazing. Your FIL less so. It’s rare for a marriage to survive the loss of a child so please don’t feel any guilt about that. Nobody IRL who knows you will judge you for this. Finally, the film Hamnet is good for understanding how two people in a marriage can experience the loss of a child and grieve in ways which push them apart. If you haven’t watched it, you should watch it with your husband. It might help him to talk about what he is going through and understand why you feel so very unsupported and alone. I wish you both well.

Having just read through alot of this: LEAVE.
He is clearly having an affair and does not give a fuck about you. If he is smart and a narc, which he sounds like, he will never ever admit to it and just make you feel crazy. That's what my husband did to me when I was 21 and I found someone else's bra in his car. Forget the cheating aspect, as you can't prove it and he won't admit it. He will make up some bullshit about the 15k necklace too. Saying it was for you and then one will materialise out of nowhere. He does not give a fuck about you. See a lawyer asap and kick him out.

@ThisCheekyWasp reading your thread has made me so sad. You are incredibly strong and clearly an amazing mother. You've endured a parents' worst nightmare and at a time when you needed your husband the most, he betrayed you. The fact that you're not being emotional and trying to work out the best approach for the sake of your children shows your depth of character and resilience... traits many on this platform couldn't begin to fathom. It sounds like you have incredibly supportive parents and in-laws too which is a blessing. Whatever you decide to do I truly hope you find happiness and peace for you and your children. 💐💕