Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

I think your announcement as he was leaving for work was exactly what he deserves. He thought you’re a mug who’ll put up with him forever ! So of course he’ll be in shock.

Yes of course he “ loves you” because he wants you to stay and continue to put up with his crap behaviour. Nothing works better than some emotional manipulation to make someone stay.

I do wonder why you haven’t confronted him about the hotels away and the expensive restaurants though?

Take photos of the necklace invoice and the restaurant receipts. Go to a solicitor and start the ball rolling. Think about what YOU want.
If he's been sleeping around get yourself tested for STI s.

I didn’t want him to know that I suspect he’s having an affair

I’ve tested for STIs, we haven’t slept together since 2024 we haven’t been physical in anyway maybe a kiss here and there in front of people at our anniversary or at his 40th surprise party.

I think he’s with his mistress, he buys her lots of gifts, I assume they’re having sex he’s not interested in having sex with me anymore, we had a good sex life at one point.

Those saying you were in the wrong to tell him when you did are honestly out of their minds.

He's been treating you abysmally. You nearly come across stoic now which may seem odd, but I get it. You've tried in so many different ways and you're invisible to that man. Why should he deserve your courtesy?

You've only reaffirmed the status quo that he's laid bare. The marriage is dead. Make it official.

I suspect the only reason he doesn't want the divorce is money. He's clearly in a good position of he has spare £15k for his bit on a side.

Meanwhile, you absolutely deserve better, OP. Sounds like you've regained your identity. Keep at it. Love yourself. A man that deserves you and loves you for who you are will come. It's clearly not him, do not waste your life. Wishing you best of luck - have no regrets.

Does he not even make any effort to disguise where he’s going? No ‘it’s a work thing’ or anything? I’m amazed. When my ex was cheating he did at least try to be subtle, he was shit at it, and I was suspicious pretty quickly, but he would never have just floated off out for dinner without any explanation.

Good Luck @ThisCheekyWasp it sounds like the next few weeks are going to be, umm, interesting.

He does but I stopped wanting extra detail.

Thank you I just want the best outcome for all of us especially our children. I don’t want to use them as pawns they love their dad , he’s an active and great father so I hope we can both put our love for our children at the forefront of this.

Personally I'd want to have the conversation when there is time to talk about it. Him going off to work gives him time to come up with some sort of excuse/cover story for how he's been behaving.
Of course dropping a bombshell when someone is about to leave isn't fair.. but neither is spending £15k on a necklace for another woman.

YABU to have dropped it on him just as he left for work, yes.

You are also BU to have drifted into a situation where your husband is going on holidays and out to expensive dinners and hotels, and dropping fifteen thousand pounds on a necklace, while you're just letting it all slide with a shrug. Good god. (Also, how bloody wealthy is he?)

It sounds like neither of you have been invested in your relationship for a long, long time, but you're both too wet to have actually done anything about it one way or another.

Great fathers don't spend 15k on their mistress, tbf. He sounds like he's as shit a father as he is a husband.

And did you spend 15k on jewellery for someone else? Is that ok as long as you’ve discussed it?

I don’t think the ops timing is unreasonable because he’s cheating on her.

The second paragraph is unfair there is a lot more nuance than what I’ve posted on here. It would be pages and pages and pages long if I wrong every single thing.

I was invested in my marriage I tried many different things I tried to reconnect I just couldn’t and it really took a toll on me maybe I am too “wet” to have done anything I just don’t want my marriage to end I think I felt a lot of shame at having a “failed marriage”. It’s much harder than it seems at least for me we’ve been together since I was 22 he was 23 that’s a long time and those are very important ages at least for me my early to mid 20s were very formative. I thought I chose well but guess not and not my children who are innocent in all this will have to deal with their parents divorce.

Fair enough!

It's just that my initial impression is that you've just sleep-walked into a situation where he's in the midst of a full-blown affair, spending tens of thousands of pounds on her, and you've never once confronted him about it? Got angry? Demanded proof he's not cheating? Sat him down when things were first getting bad between you and said, 'this isn't working, we need to seriously work on our relationship or I'm leaving' and given him an ultimatum?

It just sounds so passive.

As things stand though, it sounds like you'll be well rid of him. Stick to your guns, and be strong in what you want!! If you can manage to co-parent amicably, then I'm sure your children will be fine.

I suspect you're right.
He's having an affair, but doesn't want a divorce.

A divorce is stressful and costly.
He's not ready for a life with his OW.

She may be married or in a relationship too and doesn't want to leave.

If he's not been interested in intimacy for a year, there's definitely something going on. Even when men are having affairs, they still have sex with their wives... they may lie to the OW about it.. but they're still very much having it.

The fact that he doesn't want it, speaks volumes.

What age are the kids?

I don't think it's passive of the OP. She's tried to show she wants the marriage and has enough self respect not to humiliate herself. He's shown he's not interested.

OP is done, and it sounds like rightfully so. Mumsnet is famous for telling women NOT to do the 'pick me dance', so I'm baffled by the people blaming her for being 'passive'. She hasn't been passive! She's just finally had enough after trying to make the marriage work, which never works when only one person wants that. Like OP reckons, what's the point when he is clearly seeing someone else, splashing the time and attention on the someone else, and only now cares when OP has bluntly told him she's done, she wants a divorce?

He probably just hasn't had time to move his assets yet...

Get a good solicitor, OP. Make sure you protect yourself and the children.

The time to act and be assertive was years ago though, by the sounds of it. I mean, how do you get into a situation (with a non-abusive husband) where you're almost certain he's having an affair, but even after months and months of him dropping tens of thousands of pounds on the woman, you've done nothing?

He's an arsehole, 100%, and she's likely well shot of him, but it doesn't sound like the OP did much to help herself before now.

I have gotten upset many times and cried, for instance this Saturday, Valentine’s Day he booked a place for us to go for dinner, we had a nice glass of wine it was a nice evening I really enjoyed it we were laughing it felt like us again, we went to 2 more bars after that then went home. I thought maybe we’d have sex but he never tried to initiate it so I just had a shower cried till I couldn’t anymore and got ready for bed. It’s not that I don’t care at the start when things first got bad I did ask him if we can try to work things out I said I’m starting therapy you’re welcome to join we can maybe start a couples one and he wasn’t interested so I’ve just been trying to work on my mental health I’ve struggled a lot the past year and it would have been lovely to have had a supportive husband. Our daughter passed away 2 years ago this year in March he hasn’t mentioned anything about her, it’s like he’s forgotten her, I visit her grave once or twice a week I don’t think he has since March last year.

i have tried but I wasn’t going to beg for someone who clearly didn’t love me anymore, maybe it’s because our daughter passed and it was SIDS I blamed myself but I’m doing that work and coming to terms with it all

Letting your husband spend 15k on jewellery for another woman and not confronting him then and there (unless that happened yesterday, to be fair the OP didn't say when, I think!), but just letting things meander on miserably while not asking questions about who he's going out to dinner and hotels with, is 100% passive.

She should've drawn a line in the sand bloody months ago. Good on her for finally doing it though.

Sometimes you just feel defeated and don't have the bandwidth to delve further. She's been rejected by him for so long... you get to the stage of checking out and affair or not.. this isn't where she wants to be.

I find that women often want evidence of the man having an affair.. or of having been abusive in previous relationships... you don't need that to judge your own situation... and decide that enough is enough.

He's now scrambling for therapy because he's scared. Not because he cares.

I’ve asked about the hotels and restaurants I just stopped asking aa he would just make shit up and got over it he doesn’t want me and he definitely doesn’t respect me so I’m not going to beg him.

he knows me well he’s known me since we were 22 & 23 I’m a bit saddened to know that he doesn’t know me well enough to know that I’m quite reasonable, reasonable enough for him to come and tell me it’s not working, he wants to see other people, I would have been upset but life goes on he couldn’t even respect me.

I haven’t “let” him do anything. If I posted all the interactions in the last 15 months it would be pages and pages and pages + long.

How is crying alone supposed to do anything? You could've told him, 'I'm so upset that you seem like you don't want me anymore, our relationship is shit, if you don't go to therapy with me, I'm leaving you.' But fair enough, that's not always easy to do.

It sounds like you've had a really hard few years, and I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter - that's devastating. And absolutely wasn't your fault. I can understand then, with that grief to process, that you haven't been in a good place emotionally and mentally.

Do you think perhaps (not that it excuses him having an affair) that he's struggling with your loss, and that his way of trying to cope is not talking about it? And that it may have been a factor in the two of you drifting apart?

Regardless, I'm very sorry.

That's fair - and now hearing about OP's loss and grief, I can see how their relationship fell into this.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can see even more why you've come to your decision. This is very deep.

I don't think a therapist will allow him to join your sessions. The therapist has been seeing you and developed a therapeutic relationship with you. Him joining to do couple's therapy creates an imbalance.

You should go to a new therapist for couple's therapy.
I would never take on a couple, where I've been seeing one of them individually.