Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

Oh my goodness OP I'm so sorry about your daughter.

Losing one's child has a truly devastating effect - I can say this from my own experience. I don't think it's anything a parent ever gets over. And it actually makes sense of how your marriage has disintegrated.

Perhaps if your H had agreed to do therapy with you then there could have been a way of growing back together . But with him going down the path of seeking solice with another woman I think that ship has sailed.

I don't see why you should feel bad about your timing of telling him you want a divorce. Honestly you need to try and put yourself first OP.

All best wishes to you.

Yes this is important

It’s his own personal account ? I know about the account I have a look and the bank details.

I think I have gone through the stages of grief I just want the best for our children it’s a shame they have to be in the middle of this but I hope we can both come to a good conclusion that puts the kids first.

I speak as someone who left a marriage...
IMO
In my mind you get married to have children. The effects on children in a divorce shouldn't be underestimated . In retrospect I wish I had stayed and made my own life within the marriage. The husbands affair may well end . I am more sad hearing now how difficult it was for the children to cope with the break up. Why would anyone do that to children.

I also speak as someone who ended a marriage after 2 decades.

I wish I had done it much earlier. The older children still suffer from the effects of being in a situation they couldn't control.

My younger children who were 4 and 5 are much more balanced having lived with me through their childhood as a far happier person I was in the marriage.

Don't underestimate how much children take in even when we are being the kind of parents who don't shout , scream and opening hate each other. We weren't - we were calm, had laughs, had good holidays, normal stuff. Just didnt love each other, and had this air of sadness about us.

I always say it is best to separate before you get to the stage of loathing each other.

It's clearly over, at least from his side. He is unwilling to rock the boat as he currently has a cushy gaff, no judgement from friends and relatives, no child support to pay, etc.. I would imagine he is perfectly happy with the situation, what's not to like - cosy home and a racy mistress.

You are totally not wrong in this and sometimes you can't control the timing (I told my ex in the middle of dinner accidentally - it just sort of fell out). There is a great life after a crappy marriage just waiting for you. You've done the hardest part in starting - now you just need to see this through. Get a solicitor and start the ball rolling, no need to have lots of discussion with a man who froze you out of this relationship 2 years ago.

It doesn't matter that it's his personal account, you are entitled to half of everything.

Don't sleepwalk into a situation where you are left with very little. Start gathering paperwork and see a lawyer.

It’s his own personal account ? I know about the account I have a look and the bank details.

All money is matrimonial money in a divorce and you're entitled to a half share of it. That includes his "personal" accounts, any savings, his salary and his pension. And yours too of course.

@LadyRoughDiamond 's advice is good, I'd follow it if I were you.

Are you sure it's a woman he's seeing? You've known him for a long time and it may be that he thought you'd be the perfect person to create a family with; he does what he wants when he wants and you don't push it. After the way he's been treating you to have replies as though you've spoiled his day ... what about your life.

I woke up to him cuddling me he’s barely imitated any type of physical intimacy in the last year. We got the kids ready for school and he dropped off our youngest to school he normally helps me off they went and I got back into bed he came back and got into bed asking if we can “resume” I don’t know why I guess it’s been the lack of intimacy even Valentine’s Day I was hoping we’d have sex anyway we did today it’s the most connected I’ve felt to him in a year. I asked him after if he’s having an affair (I’ve gathered call the evidence I can but nothing really makes sense) he said “no not an affair affair” “I’m seeing someone from time to time she knows I’m married it’s not physical really I just hated seeing you sad all the time when she (daughters name) died. He says he didn’t know what to do when I was grieving, he felt guilty that he didn’t grieve as much as I did, he’d come in from work it was clear I’d been crying, we went to one of his work awards nights, I scared off one of his clients by talking about our dead daughter, and another client later on, his manager had to have a word with him over my behaviour, he does have emails and text messages from the a few specific nights of his collegues messaging him telling him to take me home etc I was drinking. Apparently after I’d “healed” he didn’t know how to reconnect with me, I was going cycling (he loves cycling we used to do it together) but I’d joined a completely different club to his, I was doing all sorts of random clubs just trying new things and he felt like a background character in my life. I felt the same too. I think I was more of a background character than he was.

Do you really mean he bought his affair partner a 15K necklace? That’s not a typo?

If so, why are you not livid about that in itself? Do your children have absolutely everything they need including a financially secure future with decent savings for each? Do they get all the holidays and experiences they could have? Are you mortgage free? How on earth can you justify him frittering away such a huge sum of money on his other woman when you have a family? I think that’s where I’d find my anger honestly.

We’re very different people because I’d have confronted and gone nuclear at the first sign of the affair, I’m not saying that’s right or correct, but it makes it hard to give advice to someone whose approach is so different.

What I will say is you’re clinging to being reasonable, wanting the best for the kids, wanting him to recognise what a reasonable person you are, still wanting the best for him etc. He is not being reasonable, he doesn’t want the best for you or his children or else he wouldn’t have neglected his marriage for so long, embarked upon an affair and spent family money on his affair partner. You need to stop thinking that you’re still somehow a team in this that can discuss it all reasonably and come to a mutually beneficial arrangement - he stopped being on your side a long time ago and you risk getting thoroughly shafted here as do your kids. At least get some legal advice as to where you stand and go into these discussions as well informed as you can be.

OP the update was so sad - I'm really sorry for the loss of your daughter.

It all sounds very directly correlated as you stopped having sex in 2024 which sounds like it was the same year you both lost your child.

I think you both need grief counselling together. It's also fine if you feel it's too late and you want to walk away.

From the crying it sounds like you really are struggling which is understandable. It might also be worth you going away and having a bit of time to yourself to reassess things.

We have no idea of your family finances but £15k on a necklace is a vast amount of money for most people. That would be unforgivable in my eyes unless you are extremely rich. It's possible this is all some odd way of coping with his own grief though and it sounds like he's not really spoken about it and just suppressing emotions.

❤️

He is definitely having an affair, a sexual one.

He just doesn't want to lose his house and savings to you.

He will go back to his affair as soon as you are unsuspecting again.

It's actions that count. Words mean nothing in this sort of situation.

its crazy money -totally crazy. I dont think my husband would spend more than £100 on a necklace for me but thats maybe a problem the other way. but £15 K - insane unless they are multi-millionaires

I don’t care about the house he can have it it has a lot of good memories for our family I’m not going to fight over it and ruin that. I can start fresh and get another place for me and my boys.

I just want my kids to keep having what they currently have and to have great futures that is all I care about, my children. I’m not out to get my husband or take all his money I have my own money, having both incomes helps in terms of the kids but I can take care of myself.

Sucks that he’s known me so long and still doesn’t know I don’t give a shit about his money.

'not physical really' - what does that mean?

Did he admit he bought her a £15K necklace?

This is so sad to read.

But he’s absolutely definitely having an affair affair and of course it’s sexual. It’s actually despicable that he’s trying to blame you (and bring up messages from colleagues criticising your behaviour????) for how you acted in the throes of grief.

I understand he’s grieving too, and I can see it must have been so hard to know how to connect with and support his wife in her sadness and grief, but the answer was not ‘start an affair and buy the affair partner extortionately priced gifts’. He could have spent that money in a way that supported you, or honoured your daughter. But no.

Sounds like he's following the script. He admitted to an emotional affair in the hope that he won't have to come clean about the rest. Thousands of pounds on jewellery and overnight hotel stays really point to much more than an emotional affair in my opinion.

Your boys might want to stay in their family home whilst this upheaval is going on. They’re entitled to a share of his money even if you don’t care about it.

If you’ve got enough money that you don’t even blink at 15k necklaces then presumably the kids are in private school? Can you afford that on your own? Can you afford to keep them in the area that you’re in, close to schools, clubs and support systems?

You need to stop trying to prove how reasonable you are and start thinking about how you can ensure you get the best settlement for them.

That it wasn’t “really sex” it was more just to have someone because apparently I was always sad always bring up our daughter who passed, even to strangers, I was always making things awkward for everyone no one knew how to respond when us bring her up.

Yes he’s said he did buy it for her and I said can I have 7.5k he didn’t object.

Why did you ask for half of the necklace value?

So blaming you? Implying that your grief for the child you lost ‘made people uncomfortable’ and that somehow justifies his betrayal - when he could have spoken to a counsellor, to a friend or family member but no he had to find another woman to ‘talk to’. And you’re still not even a bit angry about that? Him weaponising the loss of your shared child against you to justify his affair?

@ThisCheekyWasp I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I’m also sorry for the way your husband has treated you. How do you feel after speaking to him? It’s okay to give yourself time, you don’t have to make any instant decisions.

on the talking about your daughter all the time, I became severely traumatised by some events in my life when I had psychosis when I submitted my phd and lost everything. it became the only thing could take about - partly becasue id lost everything in my life but from what I have since learnt aobut trauma it is common - the trauma is just so overwhelming.

why did you ask for 7.5 K?

my breakdwon into psychosis was partly related to fences but for me it was the opposite scenario - my husabnd would not allow us to spend anything really and for when I needed £600 to help me with some professional services to finish up my phd he didnt want me to spend it - -it out me under so much pressure I was sleep deprived up to the deadline. my husabnd has never even spent £50 on a necklace for me - he has never bought me jewellery. we werent poor - we had about £100K savings.

I dont know how to put this politely but you must be insanely rich? becsaue I honestly have never heard of anybody spending that much on jelweerey. my dad is quite flash with jewrrey presents for his wife but we are talking £1K. I mean I do know aobut Elizabeth Taylor but....

how cant he say its nothing when he spends that much on her?