Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

You’ve both been through the worst trauma parents can go through and processing it in your own way. Please don’t break your family up. Your kids will be devastated. Divorce is very high for couples who have gone through such traumas. But if you manage it, your marriage will give you more comfort than anything else.

I think you sound like you just has to say it, you’ve been accepting your marriage is gone and needed to do it then. I think thats fine. Ofcourse the death of a child is brutal on a marriage but he chose to see someone else instead of connect with you. He abandoned the marriage not you, he could have at any point stopped and thought about what he was doing.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP and in the circumstances I understand why you didn’t confront him outright about the affair.

I think if you talk you are going to have to just tackle what he’s been doing.

Separate bank accounts in a marriage mean nothing. Anything in his named bank account is a marital asset. He’s taken 15k of marital assets and given it away. I would want my 7.5k share of that, and anything else he’s used to fund his affair, included in the divorce settlement as if it hadn’t been spent. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to request statements go back to show any spends like this. I would see it as an attempt to hide or reduce marital assets.

FWIW the tears in the shower in Valentine's day and the hope that sex would follow the date sound like you have not given up hope on this relationship.

Him wanting to talk sounds like he hasn't given up hope.

What do you think, OP?

Are you joking? This man is having an affair and using family money on another woman.
OP has been through so much and yet she’s managed to pick herself up.
She will never get over the loss, but she’s still young, she deserves a partner who loves her.
She can start again, her children will still have two parents.

That’s why I’m wondering if this is a redo because it can’t be a coincidence that two women suspect that DH of cheating and both find an invoice for a 15k necklace!! If it is a coincidence it’s a very big one

agree it must be the same person

It's good that you've both decided to talk .

Hiding your tears when you wanted sex after a Valentine's meal and he didn't initiate it, then he tried to initiate it after a couple of days but you weren't interested . Not questioning him to see if he's having an affair , or asking about the 15 grand receipt .

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope it isn't too late to try and save your marriage after the talk .

Or maybe there are multiple 15k necklaces for sale?

Keep your resolve, he's treated you like second best cheated on you and not treated you as a loving h should treat his w. now to my mind it's time to end it.
Sit down by all means, he might white wash everything and blame you but the evidence seems he is the one playing away and causing the problem.
Must be fun, ow and all the fun stuff while his w is washing his socks and looking after the home. He doesn't want a divorce because he doesn't want to lose the home help / nanny. He might even be keeping you in reserve in case ow dumps him especially if she's married.
He'll try to talk you round with sex because he thinks you'll be desperate for some crumbs of affection, it's good you're not.
Let him be the 'good and active' single dad. You can build your life and find happiness and peace in your own company. The kids will know something is wrong and they probably have for sometime even if there is no shouting between parents. Please don't let them grow up thinking this is the normal in a 'loving relationship'. You love your kids, give them the head space not a man who regularly reduces you to tears through his actions.

I hope that you'll have a good honest talk and get everything out in the open. I doubt he will be honest though, I wish you luck

OP, he an appointment with a divorce lawyer pronto. Gather all finance details you can and take them.

Get out of this marriage and away from this man. Of course he’s having an affair and of course you are incredibly unhappy. You don’t deserve this.

As for telling him before work, good. I hope he’s had a day of worry and upset. You’ve put up with enough of that so it’s about time he had some.

Get him gone and look forward to a brighter future without him.

I am so sorry for your loss @ThisCheekyWasp you have really been through it.

It sounds like you have come out the other side much stronger, whereas DH has gone outside of the marriage for support.

I couldn’t come back from this and would definitely want to divorce. He isn’t trustworthy so there’s little point in trying to soldier on.

Tell him you want an amicable split but it’s too late now. 💐

Op if you are planning to divorce him on grounds of affair then you really need some evidence of the affair. So I would do more digging, get what evidence you can and then confront him with it because your reasoning may be questioned in court and if he had been unfaithful he may have to cover some of your costs if you can prove it.

Hell be keen to talk because (I assume) it's easier and cheaper for you to be his housekeeper.

Get your ducks in a row about the household family finances.

You've let the genie out by saying divorce.

What would make you feel your marriage could be saved? If the answer is nothing then get divorced.

I don't think there was anything wrong with telling him as he was leaving for work. If he's living a second life you should have the right to disrupt the Facade that is your life.

I disagree with some of the other posters. Nothing wrong with your timing. People go to work every week day (apart from holidays). It is not like it was his birthday. You have some space now that you have said it, rather than having to have further conversations immediately. Also, when you are done, you are done. Keeping it to yourself when you know you wish to end the relationship, isn't that actually deceitful and hurtful to the other person? And finally, a person who chooses to treat their wife like this should not be surprised that they would want a divorce.

Perfect!

I remember the other thread with the 15k necklace….

Why not encourage him to accompany you to your therapy session? You are deserving of answers and you both need to parent children together for many years.

You might end up divorced but you could feel better having discussed many things in a protected place with a trusted therapist.

Can I just be practical for a moment? He has spent £15k on a necklace from an account that you don’t know about, and so he’s clearly squirrelling money away. You’ve also just alerted him to the fact that there will be a legal process coming in the next few months. Start gathering paperwork now: statements, share certificates, tax bills, pension forecasts, anything. I’m sure that this is the last thing on your mind at the moment, but women (and, importantly, children) routinely get financially screwed over by focusing on the emotional rather than the practical. Your future self will thank you.

Did you bring your magic wand with you?

How exactly are you planning to turn the OP's disconnected and cheating husband into a supportive partner?

Because they are HER therapy sessions. The therapist already has a relationship with the OP, you can't just throw another person into the mix.

If they want to try couples therapy they would need a different counsellor. But I think the OP has got past that stage tbh.

There is nothing as painful as begging for affection and attention in a marriage. It makes one feel so undesirable and desperate. You tried your best, time to move on OP. Wishing you nothing but the best 💐 ❤️

But would you have tried to discuss it?

The OP doesn't seem to have at all

Our daughter passed away 2 years ago this year in March he hasn’t mentioned anything about her

That's a bit of a drip feed. I know two people who have had to go through a tragic event like this and it changed them completely it had a massive impact on them both. Have you spoke to him? have either of you had therapy around it?

It is very odd that you don't ask who the 15k necklace was for. I can't imagine ever not mentioning something like that