Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

Ha I think he deserves it don’t you?! He doesn’t want to be physically intimate with his wife for an entire year yet he doesn’t want a divorce… I’d have done far worse far sooner OP

Also OP when it comes to men never listen to their words as most of them will say anything to get their own way always listen to their actions and his actions are loud and clear.

Its a dick move to do it as he is walking out the door midweek.
But what's done is done.

The marriage sounds dead in the water

If he can drop 15k on a trinket for his sidepiece I think its safe to say you and the kids wont be destitute.
Crack on and try to keep it amiable.

Fwiw I would by word and deed never let him know you ever suspected the affair his is very clearly having

Keep a photo of that receipt as he’s spent joint marital money on it so he owes you 7.5k on top of everything else

I’ve asked, he lies I’ve caught him in a lie before so I stopped asking no point in me acting hysterical for someone who doesn’t respect me enough to just say the marriage has ran it’s course, he wants to move on that’s all.

we do speak we live together and share a bedroom and have children we speak a lot

A man who prioritised his marriage would have cancelled or at least delayed going to work to talk things over. I would never have just been able to leave for work as normal after my husband or partner had ended our relationship!

Oh you have asked. I was confused because you said you didn't even ask him.

I’ve never explicitly asked him if he’s having an affair but I’ve asked him about the dinners

"Oh hey DH, could you get the washing out the dryer please? Oh and who was that £15K necklace for?"

I have to say I'm with @Pumpkindoodles

I am in a dead relationship myself so I do get it, but crikey, you made the guy go to work with that hanging over him.

I also disagree that him leaving for work = he doesn't care. He may have been in shock for instance.

OP I say this kindly but even if you have decided it's done, he's still a person and you have to co parent, so at the least pulling stuff like this is going to make life a lot harder going forward.

A pp asked 'Who is he going to the restaurants and hotels with? I mean under what pretext?'

And you replied 'That I don’t know and don’t even want to bring it up to him.'

But now you say you have asked him about the dinners.

If it mattered to him, he wouldn't have gone to work. He'd have called in sick/family crisis. That he didn't is the answer you need - he don't care.

I hope you got your ducks in a row before dropping this on him.

Has he returned from work? When will you get the opportunity to talk it through with him?

Whereas I would see it as a test. One that he failed.

He said he could work from home I said no he should go to work as I have work too.

He doesn’t give a shit about me, I’ve tried a lot, I’ve gotten lingeries, I’ve watched stupid intimacy videos, I’ve cried in our bathroom while he’s just been in bed watching tv, I’ve cried in toilets at a dinner/drinks with our friends seeing the connections they have with their husbands, I’ve cried in therapy,
I’ve cried everywhere.

I asked at the start now I don’t really care. I think they’ve been seeing eachother for a year or so

You’re over him clearly. No doubt he’ll now try and convince you he will change, he won’t. Don’t fall for it, don’t wait any more years to move on.

Not quite the same, but just been talking to someone whose partner dumped them, knowing their mum was having an operatuin that day (no abuse, just didn't feel the relationship was going anywhere). Yes, anyone has the legal right to end a relationship any time, but unless there's a really specific reason, it seems really wrong to me not to wait until you are both on an even keel and have time to discuss it.

In that case OP your mind is made up. You need to instruct a solicitor and start gathering the necessary paperwork together.

To all the people who think it’s shitty to ask for a divorce when he’s leaving for work, have you never been nervous about asking / saying something and blurted it out? Of course you have. This woman has had to go to work regularly knowing that her husband is spending thousands of pounds (marital assets) on (almost definitely) another woman! She’s had to leave the house for work knowing her HUSBAND doesn’t want to have sex with her because he rejected her the night before and she cried herself to sleep! He absolutely deserves this!!!

He can fuck another woman and still get into bed with me, he was watch me put on lingerie, buy toys and all sorts and try to initiate sex just to say he’s not in the mood , not tonight.

I just woke up today went on the watt bike at 5am and thought to myself fuck it I will survive I’m 39 I can start a new decade and forgive myself and him for my sake and maybe doing it before work was awful but it just came out I didn’t think I just calmly said “ I want a divorce”

Yes, he says he doesn’t want a divorce and we should try to figure things out. He asked if he could join my therapy sessions and said he’d like for us to just try first, this is the first he’s hearing scout me wanting to divorce etc.

He even tried to initiate sex and I thought that the day he did that I’d went to but I’ve gotten used to not having sex

You are handling this with such dignity and grace. Your single life is going to be amazing and you won’t have to worry about that waste of oxygen anymore!

Well done for taking the plunge. Sounds like the timing is the least of his problems!

It probably wasn’t the best timing, but it is what is! If you had thought about saying it but restrained yourself as you were looking for a better moment, then maybe that better moment wouldn’t have come for another month or 6 months or year etc.