Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

I agree about the grief..I just mentioned that in my last post.

Make sure you empty the joint account immediately before he does the same. (He’s already spent £15,000 that should have been on the family anyway so you deserve it, and it’s not illegal).

Our daughter passed away 2 years ago this year in March he hasn’t mentioned anything about her, it’s like he’s forgotten her, I visit her grave once or twice a week I don’t think he has since March last year.

This is hugely significant. @ThisCheekyWasp I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter

It's not unusual for marriages to break up following the death of a child. Keep true to yourself, I don't think you've done anything wrong here.

Letting your husband spend 15k on jewellery for another woman and not confronting him then and there (unless that happened yesterday, to be fair the OP didn't say when, I think!), but just letting things meander on miserably while not asking questions about who he's going out to dinner and hotels with, is 100% passive

If I were grieving the loss of my daughter while raisin other children and living with a selfish man, I don't think I'd have the mental or physical energy to deal with confronting him directly over this purchase.

He's made his bed.

I'm not defending the man, I was wondering why she hadn't left him ages ago! But the terrible loss of their daughter is a huge, huge factor that I wasn't aware of.

Maybe say...
"You might not want a divorce, and I agree I didn't say or handle it well , or do it at the right time and i am sorry about that. But I found a receipt for a £15k necklace and I am not stupid. You go out for meals and extended work trips . We haven't been intimate in a year. I have tried to make you notice me and thought you loved me. All this doesn't point to love, or trust or even friendship. I am heartbroken , so unless you come up with some really explanations really fast ....I DO want a divorce & we DO need to talk about it. Did you think that I'd let it be forever, in what has effectively turned into a loveless, sexless marriage with no affection? What would u do DP in my situation, if the tables were turned ...hmm?"

Im so sorry for the loss of your daughter 💐
There's never a good time OP ...his .made his bed and this shouldn'thave came as a shock to him...u sound lovely and U deserve better.

Thank you !

we gave both taken time off tomorrow so we can have time to talk, he seems pretty keen to talk

That's OK. And give yourself time to heal , grieve and forgive yourself for what you didn't know/do. You aren't a bad person for having a failed marriage. Shit just happens. People change. Relationships fail. There's a myriad of things in life that could go wrong. Once we know better, we fo better. Hugs. Night night.

Your baby died? I’m so sorry, that’s an unbearable thing to go through. Does that coincide with when you started to feel less connected to your husband and when the sex stopped?

Try not to be angry with him specifically about not visiting the grave. People deal with grief so differently, he might have tried to shut it away and maybe that’s not the healthiest but it’s understandable and doesn’t mean he’s forgotten.

op my heart dropped when I read your update about the death of your baby. I cannot imagine. Of course this took a toll on you /DH and your marriage and likely your other DC. My condolences on your loss.

there’s never a good time to get a divorce. There’s always something coming up or the timing is not great. It’s done now and well done you that you had the courage to say it.

financial marital misconduct. Photograph the necklace receipt and the hotels and the restaurants. Of course he’s having an affair and Jesus he left the receipt on the desk! That’s self sabotage or recklessness or absolute DGF.

You sound quite unlike a “wet lettuce” to me. You sound strong with plans for your future and an insightful realization you are in fact young and you should not spend your 40s limping along emotionally in this marriage.

he won’t want a divorce because based on the bills he’s racking up it sounds like there is a lot of money to be split. He was counting on you just putting up and shutting up.

I have not experienced a dc death but all these others things are very very familiar to me as this is exactly how my marriage ended. And I only wish I had ended it sooner.

take care and take time

I agree. I feel no sympathy for him. OP, do photograph any receipts and other useful evidence you find. As PP said, he’s giving away marital assets.

Yes. She’s asked him and he lies. So she doesn’t know who he’s with and she’s given up. Fair enough

The line where you said about crying in the toilets when out with friends because you wanted your husband the notice you like their husbands did.

I have been there - and its a horrible place to be. It eats away at you more than you realise.

When I got out of the relationship I was completely blind to how much I had changed, how miserable I was, and how much confidence I had lost. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to be happy and confident again.

He will likely say all the right things when you talk, because of course he doesn't want things to change. He has a family, a comfortable home life, and a wife to stay home a look after his children while he goes off and has his fun.

After you talk it might get better for a while, but it is VERY VERY hard to come back from the place you're both in right now.

There's no shame in leaving a marriage that is no longer working. In fact it takes great courage to leave.
You've both suffered terrible loss and have dealt with it in very different ways. I'm assuming that his affair is at least partially a response to this loss and your (understandable) inability as a couple to support each other. It feels devastatingly unfair that you should have to cope with an affair on top of bereavement.
Good luck with the conversation.
💐

This.
It sounds like he likes having you as unpaid house keeper and nanny while he sees someone else.
If you divorce him he'll have to split the family assets and put some effort into parenting his dcs when you aren't there. His nice cushy life will be over.
Yanbu.

OP, if you do decide to divorce (and I would definitely divorce a cheater) make sure that you’re not reasonable’ when it comes to finances. Keep the house and take him for half of everything and keep the house. Do you have access to the savings accounts?

Having read all your posts OP, and re. your initial question about asking him before he went to work,
No of course YANBU. What a pathetic man, to have a long affair, ignore his grieving wife, treat her like an idiot, spend 15k of money on a necklace for his mistress and then when she finally breaks and asks for the divorce he surely realised was on the cards, he picks on her for poor timing?

What a complete and utter prick he is.

Don't want your wife to tell you she wants a divorce as you're heading to work? Don't treat her like shit and cheat on her.

Sending you 💐 OP

Sounds to me like it only occurred to you in the morning you needed to say you want a divorce and the self control you've shown over the potential of the other woman wasn't present when it dawned on you that you wanted a divorce.

You didn't process what you were doing, and just did it.

You've made a mistake. We all do. It happens.

Now that you've said it, it's time to move on and discuss what the next steps are for your children and yourselves. Carve out time to have a first proper conversation and discuss the matter.

All the best.

Have you done this thread before? The accidentally seeing an invoice for a 15k necklace sounds familiar

Have you had conversations with him about how you could repair your marriage?

Sorry, but it was really shitty to tell him as he’s off to work.

wow - a 15K Necklace!!!

thats utterly insane. I moan that my husband has never bought me a £50 necklace as he would think its too much money to spend.

I find someone spending £15 K on a necklace utterly insane

I agree this is a good and coherent message.

Crying alone in the bathroom is not clear communication. It seems obvious to you but it's not obvious to a disconnected partner. Reconnecting takes the right kind of communication, the sort that good couples therapy can achieve. Useful whether you divorce or not.

I personally think the affair (s?) might be a very poor coping mechanism for your husband following your daughter's death. People process differently. A good therapist can help him if he is finally willing to talk (which the divorce threat seems to have suddenly reminded him of)

OP you aren’t being BU to want a divorce, but the timing of bringing it up wasn’t great. Don’t be too hard on yourself about that though. It sounds like you’ve been mentally been ready for awhile, but the moment you find yourself ready to say it often suddenly arrives and can then it can come out quite abruptly.

It sounds very well like there may be someone else - a £15k necklace?! You’ve gotten shade for not mentioning your suspicions to him, but if you know deep down what the situation is… why drain yourself further. Again, you know when you’re done.

The fact you are starting to feel more like yourself again is a really good sign. It’s not because of the cycle club, it’s because you’re detaching emotionally and that’s led you to the cycle club. You’re 40 and still have bags of time for a happy new future.

Yes you caught him on the spot, but obviously just saying “I love you” as a reason to stay married isn’t enough. Yes he might still love you in some way, but there is a parallel romantic world with Ms £15k necklace. Rubbish that it takes raising a divorce to elicit that response from him too. Even if he is (and indeed you are both) emotionally detached from the relationship, divorce is a huge shake up and so it’s not surprising that was his first reaction. But for it to work, he would need to reinvest emotionally, repair the breakdown of trust from his betrayal and change his behaviour going forwards so that he gives you the attention you deserve. You will know deep down if he’s capable of really doing that work. I suspect if you thought he was, you may have raised some of this already.

for what it’s worth, I think it’s still having a calm face to face conversation with him when you both have more time and putting some of these questions to him. “I found the necklace purchase, who was it for? Are you emotionally or physically involved with someone else? Are you wanting this marriage to continue in a real sense, or continue as it is?” It might actually make him realise it’s over too rather than reaching for something deep down he doesn’t really want and be more cooperative.

Wishing you the best for a bright new future OP 💕