Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

He seems to think work is an appropriate time to be getting his dick wet with another woman so why not tell him at a time that suits you that happens to be before work? You do you op, if he is having an affair you don’t owe him any consideration. Well done getting your life in order before the big 40, not been without its challenges but my post divorce years in my 40s have been fab. Don’t look back and go be happy 😊

If my husband had dropped 15k on a necklace for another woman, I'd be syphoning off some of that money before announcing my intention to divorce. Protect yourself, because he won't!

Oh OP, this is the saddest thread I have ever read. I am so sorry for your suffering and loss. My heart absolutely breaks for you and your husband. It sounds as though you are both so lost in grief that you can’t reach the other. Yes, he’s cheated and I can imagine that’s an extra layer of pain on top of your unimaginable grief. If you were strong before, I really hope you can both find some way forward and a way back to each other, if that’s what you decide you want. Sending love, courage and compassion

I am so so sorry for your loss. I just can't imagine what you've all been through as a family. You are an amazingly strong person and I'm in complete awe of you. How you've even found it in your heart to empathise with your husband shows how incredible and emotionally intelligent you are. Do you have a RL friend you can talk to about this? I feel like you'll only get massively polarised and bias views on here.

Honestly, this is the first time I've ever seen a cheating thread on here when I haven't immediately thought- LTB. I see two people with completely different coping strategies who have gone through the most horrific experience and stopped communicating. I'm NOT saying what he has done is forgiveable but I can see why you are wondering if this relationship is salvageable. There is a group on here I think about surviving infidelity which might be helpful. It's a very difficult process from what I understand- especially with this degree of cheating (long term cheating, expensive gifts) and you have to be prepared for it all to end anyway after years of therapy and hard work. However, if he is 100% in, will go to relationship therapy and his own therapy, will completely cut off contact with OW, will be 100% honest, answer all your questions and if he understands that you may not trust him for years- if ever again...maybe this relationship has a chance. There are a lot of maybes l and you may have painted him in a positive light. Only you know what is really going on in your relationship. Please continue your individual therapy whatever you decide. Good luck!

As l have posted it's very sad, basically you lost each other with the loss of your baby, you grieved differently, you choose counselling which was right and your DH should have done so but unfortunately didn't. He is not evil, just lost and should not have tried to find consolidation with another woman.
I wish you both well and hope that you can find a way forward.
It's a shame that bitter women here always advocate "make him suffer, take him to the cleaners" it's not always black and white.

I think the relationship is very saveable. You knew how devastated yet controlled his reaction to the death of his baby daughter was. You could have been more publicly supportive of his stoicism you just made it worse. You obviously didn’t feel consoled enough and was angry about that, grief is very destabilising.
I remember being ostracised because I spoke of my partner having motor neurone disease, even by his family because they were in denial. It was horrendous. Some people can put things in a box and deny it.
Both of you, like everyone, made mistakes. Both of you seem very loving. And your sons will benefit greatly for you forgiving and loving each other. I just wish you good luck. It’s not too late. And I’m so sorry you lost your baby girl I can’t imagine anything worse. People are very embarrassed and reject expressions of grief when it is not culturally contained. You have to understand that. I presently have three granddaughters who have inherited a life crippling condition from my son’s wife, their mother. It is so tragic. But I have learned not to mention it because I am now avoided, as though such bad luck is catching. They are not evil you just have to learn to cope by yourself and not expect others to continually hold you up. Your husbands stoicism has a purpose, believe it. and he has explained I think he’s worth believing. And he certainly thinks you are worth keeping. Big big hug x

I'll be honest in cases of infidelity my view is basically "get a divorce" but your circs are very unusual.

I think i wpuld find a good counsellor who you have rapport with and try couple counselling (2/3 sessions a week initially) and see if your marriage can be saved.

To lose a child is a horrendous horrendous thing to happen 💐
People grieve in different ways it may be you can still reconcile.
If you cant i hope you find a way to move forward and coparent amicably.

I'm sorry for your loss. Sadly marriages all too often fail with such a loss. Sounds like you have a plan moving forward and as you say, it's all about your boys. Good luck for the future

I think it would be good if you RTWT or at least ‘see all’ the OP’s posts before commenting next time