DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 2026-02-13T20:49:42+00:00

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company. I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years. Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense? All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

TheBlueKoala · 13/02/2026 20:52

his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does

OK so let's say he's not having an emotional/physical affair even though it def sounds like it. The fact that he doesn't care about your feelings at all speak volumes. I think it's time to contact a sollicitor. 💐

TheSloughBeadle · 13/02/2026 20:58

TheBlueKoala · 13/02/2026 20:52

his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does

OK so let's say he's not having an emotional/physical affair even though it def sounds like it. The fact that he doesn't care about your feelings at all speak volumes. I think it's time to contact a sollicitor. 💐

Those were the exact words my XH said. Couldn't help his feelings.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 13/02/2026 20:58

that’s just how it is

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

This is an affair... an emotional Affair at the minimum and his zero fucks given response to your feelings is pretty awful.

Very honestly you cant make him do anything.

He also cant make you do anything.
Any cooking and clothes washing and ironing would stop with immediate effect..
I'd buy food i liked and knew he didnt and if queried id explain "its just how it is now"

What's your financial position?
I am not saying "Divorce him!" But I'd be quietly understanding your options.

I also wouldn't want to live like this long term but everyone is different

Original poster

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 20:59

TheBlueKoala · 13/02/2026 20:52

his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does

OK so let's say he's not having an emotional/physical affair even though it def sounds like it. The fact that he doesn't care about your feelings at all speak volumes. I think it's time to contact a sollicitor. 💐

yes, once he said that I think something died in me. I think their friendship is very much like we were before we got together. They make each other laugh. He loves to be in her company. It’s slowly soul-destroying tbh.

OP posts:

Expressionlessplease · 13/02/2026 21:04

No wonder you feel upset . His relationship with this woman is now his primary relationship. It is at the very least an emotional affair.

He is going down a well trodden route.

And if he is unwilling to give up his relationship with her i agree with @SalmonOnFinnCrisp you would be best exploring how you would stand financially should you divorce. Because honestly you would be much happier ending the marriage than continue being the third wheel in their relationship.

Original poster

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:10

How do you even begin to understand how over 20 (good) years of marriage means so little to someone though? He insists he loves me. I’m at a loss to understand him and how this woman can mean so much to him when he knows it’s effect on us.

OP posts:

Lupin61190 · 13/02/2026 21:10

My husband said exactly the same whilst falling in love with this “friend”.

Benjithedog · 13/02/2026 21:15

Time for some firm words with your husband. He is in danger of losing you and his entire family and he certainly can help the way he feels. So sorry you are going through this OP.

CypressGrove · 13/02/2026 21:16

So sorry you are going through this. Why do men never seem to have these 'just a friendship ' with male colleagues. How would he like it if you formed the same sort of relationship with a male colleague yourself? Do you work - I'd be super tempted to make up or exaggerate a friendship with a male colleague just to see how he feels ( probably a very immature way of dealing with it but some people seem to need to be in a situation to understand it).

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 13/02/2026 21:18

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:10

How do you even begin to understand how over 20 (good) years of marriage means so little to someone though? He insists he loves me. I’m at a loss to understand him and how this woman can mean so much to him when he knows it’s effect on us.

Edited

It's crippling isnt it?
All your life plans...gone. where do you go from here?
this board is littered with woman who have beem marroed 10 or 20k years and they wake up one day next to a stranger who is so cold. Colder than they thought possible.

Love is as love does.

After watching my parents shit show of a marriage I was very clear on what demonstrated the care and value my partner apportioned to me: their actions

My dh knows there no point saying flowery words to me, if he wants to impress me /ale it up to me he shows it through his actions (and I dont meaning buying stuff.. Thats just flowery money 😅)

I would really urge you to drop the rope on being his dobby the house elf and see what happens.

Gnomer · 13/02/2026 21:20

My husband said 'I can just be friends with people you know' after 25 years together. Turned out he couldn't.

Original poster

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:21

Benjithedog · 13/02/2026 21:15

Time for some firm words with your husband. He is in danger of losing you and his entire family and he certainly can help the way he feels. So sorry you are going through this OP.

We’ve had firm words and he sticks to the same line. She’s ‘just’ a good mate, she cheers him up and they enjoy each other’s company. Neither will move jobs so this is my life until we retire. It’s so f*cking depressing and belittling when I should be the main woman in his life.

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TheNameWasOnceChosen · 13/02/2026 21:24

She won't leave work - did he say that or is it coming from else where ?

Original poster

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:26

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 13/02/2026 21:24

She won't leave work - did he say that or is it coming from else where ?

the job they are both in is quite specialist so it would be very difficult to find something similar

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hpyhpyon · 13/02/2026 21:27

Have you met this person in real life and seen the dynamic? It might not be as bad as you think and they could just be friends or I guess it could confirm your worries? I’d be inviting her out for a drink or over for dinner.

Applecharlotte2 · 13/02/2026 21:28

I think you are right - self protection - withdrawing your love

odd to say “just the way I feel” about a friendship

Original poster

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:29

hpyhpyon · 13/02/2026 21:27

Have you met this person in real life and seen the dynamic? It might not be as bad as you think and they could just be friends or I guess it could confirm your worries? I’d be inviting her out for a drink or over for dinner.

I have met her and I’m pretty sure she knows I’m upset about her

OP posts:

fashionqueen0123 · 13/02/2026 21:29

Can you meet her or go for lunch with him at work or something to get a better idea? Texting all hours is not good…

Applecharlotte2 · 13/02/2026 21:31

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:10

How do you even begin to understand how over 20 (good) years of marriage means so little to someone though? He insists he loves me. I’m at a loss to understand him and how this woman can mean so much to him when he knows it’s effect on us.

Edited

Love is an action imv

your partner should always have your back - how can he see something upsetting you and not want to correct it

Abigailns · 13/02/2026 21:31

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BreatheAndFocus · 13/02/2026 21:32

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:29

I have met her and I’m pretty sure she knows I’m upset about her

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And she just carries on? Is she married?

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/02/2026 21:32

in not choosing you - he’s choosing her, imo. So sorry op 🥺 xx

Original poster

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:33

Applecharlotte2 · 13/02/2026 21:31

Love is an action imv

your partner should always have your back - how can he see something upsetting you and not want to correct it

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I think this is the bit that is breaking my heart. I don’t feel very important to him now. I think she is the person he wants to be around.

OP posts:

Original poster

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:33

BreatheAndFocus · 13/02/2026 21:32

And she just carries on? Is she married?

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Yes and yes

OP posts:

Applecharlotte2 · 13/02/2026 21:33

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 21:33

I think this is the bit that is breaking my heart. I don’t feel very important to him now. I think she is the person he wants to be around.

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OP you must be so so hurt

my heart goes out to you 🥰🥰🥰🥰