DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

You’ve summed up exactly how I feel

How does his friendship at work, impact you at home? Does he talk about her a lot?

I generally keep work friendships at work, so I'm wondering if he's changed his behaviour towards you, as a result of the friendship.

What a bastard. Does he put effort into your relationship? Do you go out together, shared interests, fun? How does he react when you suggest these things?

He can’t help how he feels. He can help what he does. I think it’s quite normal in a very long relationship to have occasional attractions to other people. It doesn’t mean anything is missing in your main relationship. After all, the wedding vow to forsake all others would hardly be necessary if everyone else ceased to be at all attractive.

For me, the whole point of commitment is that i don’t let occasional crushes on others interfere with my main relationship. I love my DH and think it’s fabulous that, 25+ years in, we still have things to talk about, make each other laugh and have fun together. Shiny and new can’t truly compete with all our years of building a life together.

This is where your husband should be. I’m so sorry that he doesn’t know this.

It’s very clear now that she’s not just a colleague or work mate she’s most definitely a very good friend

Doesn’t look good, sorry.

Can you suggest something simple, like watching a film together, and a takeaway, and see whether he can do this without messaging her? If he has to speak to her, use it as an example that he thinks that she’s more important than you, as you can’t even watch a film together.

Or have a screen-free evening? And play a board game together etc.

If he’s unable to, and could rather spend the time messaging her, there your answer.

Do you honestly think he’ll drop her when you retire?

Until mn, I didn’t know of the EA concept , and many people don’t, assuming that all non-physical relationships are platonic. Maybe you need to spell it out to him that he’s having an affair, and don’t mince words.

He doesn’t ever really suggest we do much. Used to go to the theatre, cinema, meals. If I suggest it I get little response

Exactly - you need to make sure you don’t “attach” to anyone else or let any kind of attachments develop that threaten the marriage - we are all aware how attractive another person is when you don’t do the every day mundane with them - it’s like a fantasy partner

OP did he have mentionitus? Is that how you know?

I always get branded ‘one of the affair excusers’ on MN by saying I worked in technology for 25 years and have/had many male friends and still after working with a group of men I worked with 15 years ago still go out on man’s night out with them every year

we have a group chat, wives are welcome and welcome on the annual Christmas dinner, some do, some dont. One good mate used to take me to lunch once a week (worked in city centre) his missies was my good friend, worked in same office and never wanted to join

sorry for the ramble I just wanted to say in 25 years I’ve never had private jokes, after work chats or anything that would make anyone feel uncomfortable. Has he got mentionitous as well? Always talking about her?

the fact that he knows it’s making you uncomfortable and is doing nothing about it unfortunately tells you all you need to know

In this situation I would try to spend more time with them both to make a group friendship, if they are both uncomfortable by this then you know the answer.

He's choosing to ignore your hurt feelings and prioritise his own.

It's time for you to start doing the same. I would slowly withdraw, talk to a solicitor and make yourself an exit plan. You don't have to take it - but knowledge is power.

ugh been there, got the t-shirt and guess who STBXH is now living with - because it isn't me!
I definitely agree it sounds like he's checked out and he's getting something from that 'friendship'.
What sort of position are you in if you realise at some point you don't want to be second best or he pulls the plug first?

The thing is though that he is generally a good, kind man, I don’t know why he is being like this. A great dad too.

I have had a male friend at work for 13 years. We get on great and I counted him as a friend. We have jokes, did a number of work trips together. However, he met my husband, I met his wife and we know each others children. There is trust in my marriage and my husband never had to worry. But if he ever raised a concern like you have, that friendship would be over, because I love him more than my friend.
im sorry your dealing with this situation.

Hmm. Do you know anything about her marriage? Usually men with ‘she’s just a friend’ work colleagues go for unattached women, not just because they don’t have to worry about a DH but because they seem to love being rescuers.

Of course, that doesn’t mean nothing’s going on but it’s something to bear in mind. But even if she really is just a friend, your DH shouldn’t be making you feel second best like this. I wouldn’t raise it with him again. I’d keep quiet, watch and think. You could try to rekindle the spark with your DH. Not easy if their mind is elsewhere, but, if nothing else, a chance to prise him away from this woman for a bit.

All i can say op is you need to recover your life. Connect with friends, go out with friends, take yourself out on your own. Remove your constant support from his life and focus on putting it into your own

I think I’m beginning to realise where I stand. I don’t think he can really love me anymore if he is still choosing her

I’m someone that works in a male dominated industry so I have colleagues that are men and they are close friends. My husband has female friends too, one of which he runs and cycles with. This is normal for us.

However, what you describe OP, is clearly not your normal and it’s making you unhappy. Your husband is putting his friendship with this woman above your feelings and I’d be very suspicious that he’s hoping for something more.

Except he isn’t kind, not to the person who should matter the most to him.
if he valued your feelings then he would listen to you, show that he is sorry for making you feel this way and actively do something about it.

I’d be asking to see his phone messages with her tbh, and see what his reaction is. That will tell you all you need to know.

He is being like this because he is emotionally detaching from you. Im sorry .

Oh op, I’m so sorry. Your H has checked out of your marriage I’m afraid. You can’t change his feelings and actions, only your own. I think you need to take control, find your anger, and see a lawyer.

This and I think a frank, calm discussion is required. He needs to understand that this isn't fair or appropriate and your marriage is at risk.
Take care OP, very difficult time

This, 100000%, do not be fooled by a ‘kind man’, sorry @Teaandbiscuits123456 but I would urge you to get your ducks in a row and take control of this situation. His disrespect towards you is unacceptable

Your pain is coming across in every comment you write and I feel so sad for you. He's eroding a 20-year marriage for the sake of a few laughs with this woman and the worst thing is, he knows he's doing it and doesn't seem to care. Have you told him that his prioritising this friendship is damaging how you feel about him? Would he consider couples counselling?

This happened to me. More than once. I’m now divorced. Sorry op. It’s horrible feeling like that.