DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

'that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does...'

Did you ask him to articulate those feelings OP?

Sorry op he’s checking out if he can make such an effort with her then your marriage is in trouble especially the dm it’s crossing boundaries in your life the more effort he makes with her the least he’s doing with you his wife. She’s become his important friend and he’s happy to let you suffer he’s probably confiding to her. Personal question do you still have affection & sex? If not might be worth getting your ducks in a row he’s being ridiculously selfish tbh.

Ye. He maybe thinks he’s in love but remember everyone has a 🧠 brain until they fall
in love… he’s certainly in infatuation.

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this @Teaandbiscuits123456

When he says he loves you he means he loves being comfortable with you. And he also loves being stimulated with his lady friend.

I agree with @SalmonOnFinnCrisp . Withdraw all domestic services, get your finances lined up, and talk to a solicitor.

I’m increasingly feeling as though I want him out the house. Let him stay with her and her kids and husband. Let him see the reality.

Odds on this is a woman 20 years younger!! It’s never 65 year old Julie in admin with arthritis.

Could you give him an ultimatum he chooses his wife or friend because you sound like you’re ready to. Op this situation is not sustainable he’s with her talking etc. he wouldn’t be like this with a male friend.

Just be careful and clever. Because when she eventually rejects him he will come crawling back.
I made a massive mistake in hanging around for another 4 years whilst my ex was waiting for her work colleague to finish with his partner and commit to her.
He rejected her and stayed with his girlfriend
😂
If you're really set on divorce get your finances sorted whilst his head is still turned.

Oh sorry OP. Seems you know more than you think. It’s not on what he’s doing at all. Tell him to leave and go stay at her and her husband’s house if they’re such “good friends” I’m sure her husband would be pleased… Don’t let him be the one to make all the decisions, it’s your life too and you deserve happiness and peace without worry!

Ultimatums are not the way to go.

Absolutely. They’re never ‘really good work friends’ with overweight Dave from accounts or Doris who is coming up to retirement and has 14 cats
It’s always a younger attractive ‘work wife’ that they prioritise over their long term partner and kids.

They really are as predictable as fuck.

This thread is very similar to your situation, the OP had very good advice on this thread and a second follow on thread.

One point that struck me was the cognitive dissonance shown by the husband. He knew himself to be a good dad and husband, therefore what he was doing with the OW couldn't be that bad. Despite the fact that his wife was unhappy.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

Mine too. A little more sugar coating but he said 'I'm not going to stop seeing her' when I said their friendship was beginning to make me uncomfortable. As soon as her marriage broke down he was gone.

My advice? Leave him on your terms.

Oh what a fucking cliche he is . Been there heard the life is boring she listens to me blah blah blah. Let her have you then and do your washing and buy his family presents and shop for the kind of cheese you like . So infuriating. As if the wife at home is thrilled with the reality of domestic life . Normal life - with kids and cleaning and all the mundane things that make a secure and loving home for your kids and your family. But women aren't so selfish . Or stupid enough to throw it away for a ego boost .

Can't really say much about his colleague as we don't know for certain what has happened. Bet she likes the attention though and the flirting. Getting dressed up for work then going home to oblivious husband .
If you think he would go quietly, kick his pathetic arse out . Otherwise plan your exit , see what is best for you financially. Get your documents ready and be prepared to take half of joint account money .
I know what you mean about feeling different. Knowing he is probably making a tit of himself makes him hugely unattractive to you . Prick. LTB

Can I ask what does it take from you?
If the friend was male and the same connection was there would it bother you.
My dh had work relationship that make me a little jealous but mostly because I wasn’t feeling good about myself.

This is what I think will most likely happen.
Just sad that her young kids are going to be caught in all this too.

I agree with this. he needs a cold sharp shock and a reminder of what he stands to lose. Currently he has you keeping everything ticking over at home and his cosy friendship with this woman at work. I would stop doing everything for him and tell him I'm re-evaluating our relationship. the fact that he doesn't really plan anything with you or want to do anything fun with you is because he's getting his need for fun met by her. That's outrageous. You must be so lonely 🙁

And there’s your answer OP 😞 he’s checked out of this relationship already regardless of whether he is in a relationship with this other woman. Sounds most likely he’s keeping his bed warm at home hoping another option becomes available to leave.

You say it's not an affair but it sounds like an emotional affair to me.

I guess I’m not feeling good about myself because I know how much another woman means to my husband and one that he sees for more hours in a week than me

Who says she wants a relationship with your husband beyond what it is at the moment?

She may see it differently than he does. She probably has no intention of ending her marriage.

Maybe not, I’ve seen them together and she was very attentive and hanging on his every word

It’s like I don’t have the energy for it all anymore. So tired with trying to get him to ‘pick’ me and feeling anxious.
I found out last week that he’s going to a conference with her and they’ll be away for 2 nights.
found out that he didn’t really have to go but offered as they needed someone else

I’m so sorry Op.

brace yourself and go see a solicitor - end it on your terms and see his head spin. What a knob he is - good luck!

Stop being a doormat and walk out..