DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

If he doesn’t want to give it up he must be getting very nice feelings from it those cosy warm ones - he must look forward to seeing her

that’s a crush or something that could become sexual

he needs to give up this attachment and refocus on his marriage

Absolutely this. Stop doing things to convenience him. If he questions you....that's just how it is now would be my response. I'd make myself cold towards him to protect myself. I'd seriously be looking at a divorce.

This is good advice. You can still be kind, but less available. Perhaps get your hair done, make sure you look lovely for you.

If he won't go to the theatre then go anyway. Don't tell him you're going alone, just see if he wants to come, quietly buy a ticket, go and enjoy it. There are friendly social groups too.

Just say you met up with some friends, and it was great. Chat merrily about it. Make more plans.

He takes you for granted. You want to be, but he doesn't value this. More fool him.

What about inviting them both round? See the dynamic. Or just ignore the whole thing, be yourself, start to make plans just in case. Squirrel money away. Buy yourself some nice things.
At this point, you have to have some gumption. Hard as it is.

I think you have two options: start divorce proceedings or build up your life and interests so that he takes less of a priority in your life. Go to the theatre, go on a trip, don't be so available to him physically or emotionally. Currently he's got 2 women to meet his needs.
This might feel unnatural to you but if he won't change his ways, and you won't leave him, try to forge a new way forward for yourself. He's not prioritising you and has likely framed your questioning of his behaviour as irritating and unreasonable. This genie isn't going back in the bottle, I'm afraid.

I wouldn’t do this - it’s just tit for tat

you don’t have to change because he isn’t as committed as you - you carry on being you - he’s the loser not you

BUT

you need to give him an ultimatum

So very sorry.

you can either properly tell him how this is ruining everything, he may switch off not listen not care I’m afraid.

or quietly sit, watch and see how things go.

in either case start getting things in place incase your marriage ends, so where you will live, howuc

Sorry my iPad froze.get things in place planning is your friend however bad you are feeling.

where you will live
what budget you need to live on
do you have any savings
do you have things you can sell
all paperwork and a case of clothes somewhere safe
cut down on things and start saving

all these things.

Time for home truths OP.

Write down what you want to say and practice saying it a few times and then tell him that you have something to say and he needs to listen. Make sure you have his full attention. Obviously in your own way, but I'd be saying something like:

I've tried to talk to you about 'Sally'. I am not (as you know) a particularly jealous person and I have no issues with you having female work colleagues you get on well with, but you and I both know that your relationship with Sally goes well beyond that. I told you repeatedly that it made me uncomfortable and rather than wanting to reassure me, your response was that you 'can't help how you feel'. For what it's worth, I actually disagree. I think we are all responsible for how and who we prioritise who gets our energy and attention.

In telling me that you 'can't help how you feel' I am afraid you have triggered something in me. I now can't help how I feel, which is so disappointed in the utter cliched patheticness of this, that I have found myself starting to lose respect for you. You have had your head turned and are caught up in some ego massaging emotional affair and you are in so deep that you have pushed everything else to the side. You are treating me appallingly and making a mockery of our marriage.

Please don't insult me with your 'just mates' rhetoric. I am an intelligent woman, I know you inside and out and I don't have the energy to will to listen to you try and defend your position. We both know where we stand so please don't insult me. So that's where we are.

I am inclined to suggest a divorce unless there is something you can tell me that may make me rethink.

Over to you....

He’s a prick and I would tell him to piss off to her.

You could also try calling her and giving her a piece of your mind. My friend did this to her husband’s OW friend, it really took the shine off their emotional affair.

It’s all about him and how he feels. What about having the conversation with him and him he needs to move out whilst you consider your options as it’s obvious he doesn’t care about your feelings. There is another thread on Netmums where a woman was exactly in this position. Can’t remember what is was called but someone may remember it. It was full of excellent advice.

I reckon you only need to say the first paragraph - less is more - then remove yourself and leave him to think

you can say the other stuff another time

Im not surprised your upset. Your husband is a selfish shit. I think its an emotional affair.

No, he is NOT "generally a good, kind man". He may have been in the past, but that was then and this is now. You have to deal with the man he is now. He looks like the good kind man you married, but he isn't - always keep that in mind.

I'd start getting my ducks in a row, financially and legally. Always best to be prepared for the worst.

Seen it a million times. He does love you, you had his children, he's comfortable with you. However, in saying what he said, he's treating you like a pair of comfortable old slippers. Always there waiting for him at the table. He knows you're upset and he doesn't care.

He is besotted with her. She's someone new, fresh. It doesn't mean he's leaving you for her (even if they do, they tend to come back, tail between their legs). But I would keep your wits about you. I've been there and it's absolutely horrible. Once they are in that zone, there's no getting it out of them.

He problem does love you but maybe isn't IN love with you anymore..
So you still hate a decent sex life or has he checked out of that?

He's enjoying having his cake and eating it and he's clearly not prepared to give up his shiny new thing. I like a PP's suggestion of inviting her and her DH around for a meal.

I’m so sorry OP 💔. Talk about show me you don’t give a sh1t without saying it territory or what!?

You’re old faithful. She’s the exciting alternative maybe in his eyes… eejit hasn’t understood in 18 year’s time he might not see it like that.

Beyond hurtful.

Alls you can do is distance and find a way to
protect yourself.

Saying ‘I can’t help how I feel’ seems VERY different to ‘oh we just really get on as mates but I just don’t fancy her at all, don’t worry about it please darling, how can I reassure you?’

Yes he’s said they’re just good friends but he should be going out of his way to put your mind at rest. I have a close male friend who DH once got a bit funny about. After much reassurance on my side and getting to know him, DH and him are also good mates and all is well!

If it’s honestly nothing to worry over, then that usually gets established quickly. But if it feels like a problem to you, then it probably is a problem!

He’s willing to upset, hurt and disappoint his wife for someone who is ‘just’ a friend? He isn’t willing to prioritise his family over some random colleague. He doesn’t sound like a decent man to me.

He’s having an emotional affair and it’s only a matter of time until it becomes physical. You’ve told him how you feel and he’s refused to listen; he can’t say that you haven’t warned him. If he isn’t willing to give marriage counselling a go, I think your only option is to get your finances sorted and put things in place for the inevitable end of your marriage.

What a stupid man
no self control
no analysis of consequences

he's in love with her isn’t he

We don't know. But at the very least, he has had his head turned.

He is prioritising their 'relationship' over his marraige.

Dont do anything
If you stop doing everything, he will blame you
Quietly detatch and go scorched earth
Quietly replace all your clothes, shoes, toiletries and buy gift cards, everything you will need for 2 years
Extract as much cash as you can and stash it

Rinse him and then file for divorce

My dh once became rather close to a female colleague. I knew almost immediately because he kept mentioning her. I had words. He never mentioned her again, but instead became better at hiding it. Still trotted out bonkers opinions and was texting like a teenager.

I said the thing was, whether it was just friends or not, the fact was, I was unhappy, and didn't want to pretend all was good. So we should divorce. Nothing to be ashamed of, lots of people do, it's very sad, but best let's get out now, before it became a war. Misery. Conscious uncoupling.

He tried to change my mind, I said no, and didn't want to discuss it. Maybe in a few days.

It wasn't so much about dh for her, in the end, as the grim fact he realised he was being a fucking idiot and wasn't going to leave his boring, chubby middle aged wife. She went apeshit. It was horrendous. No one is a winner.

does he realise how close he is to losing you or is it just irrelevant in his mind he pretends it does not exist to appease himself