DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

It seems to me that you are struggling to come to the decision that all of us, including yourself, know to be the right one.

I think that whilst you are in close proximity the cognitive dissonance caused by the disparity between what he says and what he does prevents you from thinking clearly and making the right decisions.

Is there a way you can take a break for a couple of weeks either staying with a friend or family or sending him somewhere to allow you the clarity of thought you so desperately need?

I'm sorry @Teaandbiscuits123456 , my ex did similar, made me watch him fall in love with his "friend" who made him laugh and feel wanted while he mostly sulked and complained at me. Previously would have claimed to be a good guy. Then one day he announced our 25 yr relationship was over, no discussion. Blamed me. Didn't mention her. Obvs I knew and told him so. Ex started seeing her physically immediately. She put in for her own divorce. We lived together for more than a year while negotiating house/split. He refused to move out. I assume they are still together. She's welcome to him but I'm still traumatised by the betrayal. I hope you are ok.

while i understand this premise, all distance will do is give him the opportunity to crack on with this relationship entirely unhindered, and/or give OP even more opportunity to wonder how much messaging is going on when she won't know if he's on his phone or not.

distance might be useful if the DH had given even the slightest inkling that he was concerned about the impact of his actions.

as it is, the likelihood is he'll interpret it as time and space for OP to come around to his way of thinking, so he can continue to have his cake and eat it....

I’m so sorry you’re living through this.

But, for many of us it seems (myself included), there are two options:

• take your time to review your circumstances, get ‘your ducks in a row’ and do something definitive. You most definitely do not have to leave him if that is not what you want. But, when you make your move, you must be prepared to standby what you have said / ultimatum given and act on it.
• Do nothing (like many of us), but accept that this situation will simply carry on indefinitely. You will have to accept that and find a way to live with it - it will not change as you are effectively complicit. He knows there are no consequences.

If you make a stand and he goes - it will simply mean you have saved yourself months / years of waiting for it to happen. You can start to regain you confidence and happiness moving forward.

I am so sorry to be harsh, but I wish I had taken my own advice and got on with ‘living’ - rather than limbo.

Good luck in whatever you decide - but doing nothing is ultimately still a decision with consequences.

@Teaandbiscuits123456 there was a letter? Oh my dear OP, they’re having an affair. What is he doing that is so wonderful? These are the things people in a romantic relationship say to each other. He’s given you every reason to snoop, a locked phone is unacceptable in these circumstances.
She said she would stop messaging but just ignored her promise to you and messaged him anyway elsewhere. He’s locking you out of his phone, out of his hidden activity and out of his relationship with this woman.
As scary as it is please start considering options and having a plan to protect yourself. One day a complaint from you about her, or you doing some snooping, will be used as an “I can’t take this any more! I’ve been unhappy for months and it’s all your fault!” outburst, because he’s finally ready to take the affair further.
It could be a physical and emotional affair or still an emotional affair, either way that’s irrelevant. He’s having an affair and there are now two choices, because he’s clearly not going to stop just because you ask him to. You either turn a blind eye and grow old with his affair continuing under your nose, or at least turn a blind eye until he walks out because the affair has progressed , or you decide you don’t want to live like this and a man like this will be torture to grow old with and start planning Plan B. I’m so sorry OP but there are no nicer alternatives now. He’s having an affair.

What do you want to happen, OP? In your best case scenario? Is it that he ends contact with this woman, apologises for the harm he's caused, and commits to working on improving your marriage? That's what I would want as a minimum.

You don't need proof of an affair, you don't need to know beyond a doubt that he's cheating. You have your own experience to prove to you that he is not giving you and your relationship what you need and deserve.

If I were in your situation (and I know it's easier to say it than do it, so please don't think I'm judging you, I'm not) I would tell him what I want. I would say something along the lines of, "I am really unhappy with the way things are between us. I've told you lots of times that your relationship with this other woman makes me feel disrespected and betrayed. I am not accusing you of anything. I am telling you that I cannot continue in this marriage unless you stop being in contact with her, admit to and apologise for the harm this has caused, and commit to working on our marriage. That's the bare minimum I require to keep going. If you can't do that, then I can't carry on in the marriage."

And I would mean it. Because I would not want to stay feeling so out of control and just waiting for him to decide my fate. I would take it into my own hands. You too have that power.

He may have been a good husband in the past, but he's not being a good husband now, and you deserve better than his lying, gaslighting, and cheating.

Alternatively, you stay in the marriage for your own reasons, but emotionally detach from him so that you no longer care about his cheating. I guess that's an option for some women. I wouldn't be able to do it, but I wouldn't judge someone else for staying. Just don't sacrifice your happiness and peace of mind so that he can enjoy himself with someone else.

This rings true for me. I’m not sure I can stay in a marriage where I am being told I have to be happy or at the very least, okay, about something which is causing me a lot of sadness everyday. When I point these things out, the response is that I’m making him feel bad again. That my reaction is punishing him.

I get it. And you end up questioning yourself and whether you even have a right to your feelings. So your attention is taken up with proving you're right, proving you're not going mad, or trying to convince yourself he's in the right, etc.

I think you can take some power back by really just focusing on how YOU feel. Like, it doesn't matter about the details of his affair/not-affair, not really. What matters is how you feel and what you want. And you have every right to tell him that. "I don't want to keep pretending everything is fine when actually I feel very sad and hurt. I want to see that you are listening and respecting my feelings, but I haven't seen that from you in any of this. You can say it's all in my head or it's all on me, and maybe that's true [it's not] but at the end of the day, I'm not happy with this situation and I need it to change. It can change by you starting to listen to me and take this seriously. Or it can change by us breaking up. But we're not going to continue in this situation because it's sad and exhausting and I deserve better."

You can say all these things, but obviously you have to mean them. You can't give an ultimatum and then back down or it will be so much harder to get back up again. So if I were in your situation, I think I would be really focusing on myself, asking myself what I want, what I'm prepared to compromise to stay in the marriage, what I'm not prepared to compromise, what I want the rest of my life to look like, and be really clear in my own head that 'here's my standard, here's my boundary'. And the thing about boundaries is that they are to protect you, not control the other person. You're not saying 'you can't keep talking to this woman'. You're saying, 'If you choose to keep talking to this woman, it will be the end of our marriage.' The choice is his, ultimately. Although, maybe you might think that even if he wants to put everything right, the hurt and harm he's caused might already be a dealbreaker.

Sorry for the long message. I think just put yourself first now and decide what is right for you. I don't remember if you mentioned a friend you can talk to in real life? If there is someone you trust, maybe now would be a good time to confide in them.

Please do not give a thought to what he feels.

YOU have to push through it and make that stand as so many wise women on here have said.

OP - I get it. You want him to hear you. I can tell you now, he wont hear you unless you make it absolutely clear. It is YOU or HER. It cannot be both. No room for anything else. If he wants to remain married to you, then he has no choice. If he doesn't want to remain married to you there is nothing you can do at this point.

Hold that head up - you have done nothing wrong and you have more power than you know.

He isn’t going to stop and he knows you’re not going to leave, so if it was me I would make a new life of my own (whilst still being married to the little piece of shit that he is) and get a hobby, make new friends male and female and I would mimic his own actions and words

Telling someone how you feel isn't punishing them. If you tell him that his behaviour is making you unhappy, and that makes him feel bad then that is his guilt, and the obvious question is, why doesn't he do something about that?

The real answer is that he doesn't want to stop, so for him, it's best if you say nothing, so he can carry on with his hurtful behaviour but without having to hear about how much it is hurting you.

Gosh he’s well and truly gaslighting you. He’s having an emotional affair at least!

So very sorry you are still going through this.

Even though I have been through similar, I will still never understand this from the emotional affair person’s point of view. The underlying driver I guess that the your H thinks there’s a possibility the grass may be greener. It’s just so lacking in understanding and insight of both himself, the stages of relationships, of the importance of family life and just so ignorant of reality to elevate and prioritise this little fantasy.

If your DH and colleague think each other are so great … if they make each other feel they really can reinvent themselves- well then why don’t they just get on with it and leave. If they really think it’s worth all the hurt and cost then action it ( only, in all likelihood, to end up in worse relationships than the marriages they are in now.)

If it’s just a really great friend they’re so overwhelmed to have made at work, [ oh yipppeee a new friend how exciting] then invite this great colleague and their partner around for drinks and let the two families become friends.

Its the secrecy, guarding, weekend texting, protecting and prioritising of the ‘friendship’ that’s so protracted, shabby, unnecessary and torture for everyone else.

I can’t really explain. It’s just so cowardly, shabby, spineless of the H in these situations - either action this great new fantasy or work on your marriage.

Sorry if I sound cross for you OP but It’s just so feckless.

Hi op I can’t believe your shitty husband is still doing this to you. You say he’s a good man but he’s not he’s having his cake and eating it you don’t trust him now so how will this get better for you? He doesn’t care enough to stop so you are playing second fiddle to his work colleague she obviously feels something for him and him her not sure if it’s enough to split up but you’re not even on his mind when she is. If you stay with him you are never going to be sure he might not leave at some point. Emotional affairs are bad for a marriage just as much as physical affairs. Only you can decide what to do but your going to go drive yourself mad with all this insecurity and his lack of respect he’s got no intention of stopping and he’s stopped you from looking at his phone that in itself is trust issues for both of you, I feel for you as I think it would be easier to know than not to know. She has no respect for you either so it’s you against them 2.

I wouldn’t normally suggest this but as he’s not budging and she’s still behaving like this then I’d contact her husband. Tell him to keep his powder dry and not forewarn her but look at her phone when he gets the chance. Then tell your husband your next stop is HR who will not take kindly to official systems being used im appropriately. The ship has sunk. May as well make sure it doesn’t bob along and goes right to the bottom. It’s time to get angry IMO.

Op 🫂 as some know on here ive just been through hell with this and you are going to have to do something and show him like really show him you are not tolerating this any longer. I did and H moved out 2 week ago. I feel exactly like you do with him. Ive since had all the changes off him, scared him, alsorts has gone since, it has worked anyway doing it, its extremely difficult at the moment. I know you will be scared if you did this he will go running to that ow, you have to let him if this happens (in my case it hasnt happened it doesn't always) and focus on YOU . The emotional strain of all this crap, is not right and you have to show him the damage this has caused to your marriage. People told me this for weeks and I finally snapped. You need to find that anger. I would even go as far as potentially messaging her husband now if shes still married and still wont leave him alone, dont tell your H but he is the one who should be cutting her off, and should of to start with, I wouldnt normally suggest messaging her husband but if my H ow was still married and I was still where I was weeks ago, I think i would of, sending huge hugs xxxxx

Just wanted to add sorry if ive repeated myself as ive replied to a few similar threads recently 🫂🫂🫂

@SaltyCara said it best, I think.
He doesn't deserve your love or your loyalty.
He's certainly giving none of that to you, is he? 💐

Please re-read your post as if it had been written by your daughter, your sister, or your best friend. Then ask yourself if that is what you'd want for them.

They wouldn't deserve that disloyal, disrespectful treatment and neither do you. Please love yourself more than you love him. It sounds like he's doing that for himself already, so why would you put him first anymore? 💐

have you tried ‘you will have to manage your own feelings, you have no interest in helping my feelings so why would you expect such care from me? although I think it’s a sign of hope that you feel bad, that maybe we will survive this. I know probably just wishful thinking though.’

To add : it is good he feels bad. Keep saying it, keep making him realist what kind of man he is. Stop protecting him from stariing in the mirror and seeing an asshole. You’d be better off putting a sign under the mirror saying selfish asshole who thinks marriages last without love and support and loyalty.

It may be time for an ultimatum.

On 8th June, you wrote:

' They still spend breaks together, work on projects together. Everyday. He says there’s no messaging anymore.
He’s going out to a work party soon with a small group, one of which will be her. I imagine they’ll be spending most of the evening in each other’s company (as it’s obviously so mutually wonderful 😢) He knows how upsetting I would find this so I think if he chooses to do that, I think I’m sadly done.'

when is this work party due ?

then just 5 days later you wrote

13/06/2026 09:05
I wish I could forget stuff and not still be affected by it.
We went out for a nice family meal this week but when we came home I remembered a similar time quite a while ago and just felt sad all over again.
After that particular meal (well over a year ago but it still stings) I had later discovered that he had texted her as soon as we got home that evening to say what a shame it was that he hadn’t been able to see her much at work that day and they hadn’t been able to have their lunch together (they see each other everyday anyway).
Half an hour before, we had been sitting in a restaurant as a family but he came home and chose to tell her that.

so this behaviour has been going on for over a year ?!!!

and you are still accepting it.

back to your reply on 8th June just one week and one day ago

'so I think if he chooses to do that, I think I’m sadly done '

you think or you will be done ?

or will this all go on for another year ?

OP, if you can't bring yourself to kick him out, then you could always go the route of cultivating some similarly intense male friendships. See how that goes down with your husband. He is taking you for granted. Make him aware that he does so at his peril.

You need to leave otherwise you will loose yourself always wondering what if. You cannot be happy constantly thinking about his phone use and second guessing everything - I have been there and it will drive you mad. The fact is he’s lying and hiding stuff from you and being totally inappropriate with another married woman. The trust is gone and there is no coming back from it. He is not the man you used to know. He’s hurting you and carrying it on and then gaslighting you about it making you feel guilty for looking at his phone or questioning things. If he had nothing to hide he would show his phone and not change his password.